Strawhat Theater 2: Our Mrs Monkey
by Andrew Joshua Talon
Summary: Wherein Nami learns that blurting things out and practical jokes might lead to happy endings... Cover image provided by AquariusWind.
1. Chapter 1

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

_Set during episode 45 of the anime, or manga chapter 95 for you purists out there. Don't take this too seriously though._

* * *

The relief and joy from Arlong's defeat seemed to spread forever in all directions like an ocean wave. Nami herself was ground zero, and as partying and merriment went on around her in Cocoyashi Village she found she could not keep a smile off her face.

Not that she wanted to. She just feared she might never be able to make any other kind of expression, especially when she saw Luffy dancing with the villagers happily. Ussop was recounting the battle to many wide eyed listeners (as he'd spiced the tale up with more than a few heroic exploits by himself), Zoro was enjoying his drink, Sanji was chatting up her sister, and Yosaku and Johnny were laughing merrily with some of the village's men and women.

Her eyes kept straying to Luffy though, and she felt as though she had a flock of butterflies fluttering around in her stomach. She shook her head rapidly, clearing her mind.

_Now now... It's not like he'd know how to reciprocate,_ she told herself. Still, his open smile, his laugh, the hat he had entrusted to her (and _only_ to her, that romantic little girl inside her heart insisted)... Well it was a very nice fantasy.

So what if he was kind hearted, decent looking, brave, trustworthy, muscular, powerful, made of rubber and able to stretch in so many... Many... _Many ways... _Not to mention easily led around, charismatic... That romantic little girl that dreamed of a knight in shining armor had dropped the Prince Charming, sure, but Luffy was... Was...

It was a nice fantasy. Very nice. Something she'd hide away, deep inside, never bring up, maybe peek at every now and then-

"Hey Nami, I-" Luffy began, standing over her.

"Marry me," Nami blurted out.

The music screeched to a halt, and Nami felt every eye on her. She heard Sanji's cigarette hit the ground underneath him, Zoro choke on his beer, and Usopp just kind of fell over.

Luffy blinked as Nami's skin seemed to turn _bright red. _The rubber captain then shrugged.

"Okay!"

"... I didn't mean to... That is to say... I meant...!" Nami sputtered.

"UWAH! WHY NAMI-SWAN, WHY?" Sanji cried, and the conversion returned in greater force. Nami found herself being pulled up and hugged by her sister, while Genzo was congratulating Luffy loudly. Jonny and Yosake were slapping Luffy on the back all the while.

"Yes sir, young man, you'll make the finest husband for Nami..."

"I'm so happy for you sis!"

"No, wait..." Nami tried. Sanji's loud wails ended as he pushed through the crowd and got right in Luffy's face. The rubber man blinked.

"Uh, Sanji-"

"Listen you bouncing bastard! You break Nami's heart or even _think_ about breaking her heart, I'll turn you into my finest delicacy and serve you to the sharks!" The cook growled.

Luffy grinned. "Would I be delicious at least?"

"DON'T YOU MOCK ME!"

Sanji turned to Nami, tears pouring from his eyes.

"Nami-swan, I tried so _hard_ to win your heart!" He sobbed. He then stood up, fist clenched, the very image of a responsible man. "But," he said, "I _will_ let you go, if this is truly your decision!"

"Sanji, I-!" Nami tried again, but now Genzo was hugging her and laughing happily. Nami looked to Zoro hopefully-Maybe the infamous bounty hunter could interject his cold reality into this sudden burst of insanity...

"This is the most wrong thing in the history of the universe," Zoro opined. His eyes widened. "Oh _God_, I just imagined the _kids..."_ He tried to drown himself in beer.

"AH! Do not worry, Luffy and Nami! I, the great CAPTAIN USOPP, can bind your hearts together!" Usopp sobbed, fist clenched and held high. "I once married the Prince of Earth and the Princess of the Moon in the most beautiful ceremony-!"

"No, hang on," Nami tried again but she was being shuffled off. Frankly she was kind of numb from embarrassment and her usually quick mind was befuddled from making such an egregious error. She got a bouquet shoved into her hands and a veil put over her head. She was shoved up in front of Usopp, soon joined by a confused Luffy (who now sported a bow tie), with Sanji huffing behind the captain with the most melodramatic expression imaginable. The rest of the village crowded around them. Someone started a wedding march.

"Where's the best man?" Shouted one.

"We need a maid of honor!" Shouted another.

"Like there's any other choice!" Nojiko laughed, wrapping her arm in Nami's.

"Hang on a second-!" Nami tried again, as Luffy scratched his head.

"Hey, best man? Do I get to choose that?"

"I will be best man!" Sanji cried. "After all," and here he shot a roguish wink to Nojiko, "the maid of honor can't do the ceremony alone~."

Nojiko was giggling over Sanji. _Nojiko._ Oh God, this was a dream. Some kind of terrible dream. She was lying in a pool of her own blood right now, at Arlong's feet, and this was all some sort of horrible pre-death delusion.

"No," Zoro said flatly, walking up to Luffy's other side. "An idiot like you couldn't be a best man, when _I'm_ the _best_... Man," Zoro finished with a smirk. Sanji growled.

"The hell are you saying, Mosshead?"

"Whatever I want, Shitty Cook! Besides, I've known Luffy longer. I might as well get him through this farce without him making an ass of himself..."

"Ha! Rich coming from the king of asses!"

Luffy looked back and forth between the arguing Zoro and Sanji, looking almost as helpless as Nami herself felt.

"You can _both_ be best man!" Genzo said, exasperated. "Come on Captain Usopp! Let's do this!"

Usopp cleared his throat, holding a copy of the bible to his breast. He looked up at the night sky, and raised a hand dramatically.

"Ahem!" Usopp began. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to get through this thing called _life_-!"

"Hang on," Nami said, beginning to get her bearings. Luffy's stupid grin helped her a great deal on that count. That annoying, infuriatingly stupid grin...

"Electric word, life. It means forever and that's a mighty long time..." Usopp droned.

A grin she might have to wake up to for the rest of her life...

"Hold up a second..."

And his eating, his stupid ideas, his annoying laugh...

"Are we gonna let de-elevator bring us down, oh, no, let's go-!"

"_**HOLD IT!"**_ Nami screamed. The music stopped. Nami turned around and glared at the villagers and her crew. "I didn't _actually mean _I wanted to _marry him!"_

"Oh thank God!" Sanji cried, throwing his hands up and cheering.

"Women, figures," Zoro muttered.

"Oh, right, of course!" Genzo laughed.

"You don't even have a ring, Big Sis!" Yosake said.

"Yeah! We forgot the ring!" Jonny shouted, smacking his forehead.

"Maybe she stole a ring-"

"Can we look in your loot for one-?"

"NO!" Nami shouted. "I mean I just _blurted it out!_ It-It was a slip of the tongue!"

Luffy blinked. "Ya mean, like when Usopp lies?"

"NO! No!" Nami shouted. "More like... Like... When you say anything not related to food or nakama or being a pirate or-"

"Can I still eat meat when we get married?" Luffy interrupted.

"YES! LIKE THAT! EXACTLY!" Nami shouted.

"That wasn't-"

"LUFFY!" Nami growled. "You can only talk if I call you when you raise your hand!"

"But I-"

"_YOU'RE NOT RAISING YOUR HAND_, _LUFFY!"_ Nami screamed.

"Wow, she's already got him whipped," muttered Hershey, the village busybody.

"That'll make children easier later," Mr. Frumple, the town carpenter, muttered just as loudly.

"NO! No, look!" Nami shouted, taking deep breaths. She removed the veil and scowled at the entirety of the town. "I didn't mean I _really wanted to marry him!"_

Luffy blinked. He raised his hand. Nami sighed.

"Yes Luffy?"

"Do I get to still eat meat if we're married?" Luffy asked.

"We're not _getting_ married!" Nami shouted.

"You didn't answer my question," Luffy said.

Nami groaned, holding a hand over her face. "Yes, yes you do..."

"Oh, okay!" Luffy said cheerfully. "I don't have any problems with it then!"

"I DO!" Nami shouted. Luffy frowned.

"Why?"

"Oooh, cold feet," Usopp said. Zoro snorted.

"Figured she'd be the kind..."

"NO! No, look! I didn't _mean_ it!" Nami said. Luffy frowned and raised his hand. "Yes Luffy?"

"So... You don't like me?"

The village stared intently. Usopp held his breath. Sanji was even now trying to decide who needed his "support" more-Nami or Nojiko. Zoro grumbled.

"I... Of _course_ I like you," Nami said earnestly, smiling at Luffy with genuine warmth. "I... How could I _not_ like you?"

"So, we can get married then?" Luffy asked.

"NO! NO WE'RE NOT GETTING MARRIED!" Nami shouted. "I don't like you _that_ much!"

"Oh," Luffy said, blinking. He raised his hand again. Nami sighed.

"Yes Luffy?"

"Can we still like, have wedding food? Because every wedding I've been to has had great food and I was wondering if we could still have that even if we're not getting married."

Nami sighed and bowed her head. "... Yes."

Luffy smiled. "Okay!"

Very embarrassed, the villagers dispersed back to where they were before the impromptu wedding. Genzo's pinwheel spun as he went to a beer and drank it down quickly. Nojiko was still being chatted up by Sanji. Usopp, looking quite contrite, shot her a look and headed off with the Bible still in his hands. Zoro grumbled and headed back to his table.

This left herself and Luffy standing in the middle of the village square, more than a little awkwardly. Luffy blinked a few times, then looked down at his bowtie. He grinned.

"Well, at least I got this! A bowtie!" Luffy said happily. "Isn't it cool?"

His earnest smile got a chuckle out of Nami. "A bowtie? _Cool?"_

"Yeah! Bowties are cool. I'm wearing one, I'm cool, therefore bowties are cool," Luffy said, nodding almost sagely. "It's like, mathematics."

Nami sighed, and let out another giggle. "Come on Luffy, let's go eat," she said. Luffy grinned.

"Sounds great to me! I am a little disappointed though..."

"Mm?" Nami looked up at him as they walked back to a nearby table. "Why?"

"Well..." Luffy said, crossing his arms and looking thoughtful. For him, anyway. "I heard that marriage was a kind of adventure, once..." He frowned. "And now I'm not gonna find out what kind of adventure that is... And if I needed anyone for an adventure like that," and here he looked seriously into her eyes, "it'd be a navigator... Right?"

Her cheeks burned bright red, and those butterflies were back again. Nami squelched them, and looked away.

"Ah, um... Well... Heh... I guess you would," Nami said with a bit of bite, "especially given _your_ sense of direction."

Luffy laughed, and so did she. And the happiness of triumph and freedom soon overrode the awkwardness of before.

The future was bright and full of possibilities once more...

* * *

**Loguetown**

"Right, we'd like to apply for a docking permit," Nami said to the man at the office. The man hummed as he looked over their papers, nodded, stamped them and returned them.

"That'll be one hundred berries," the man said. Nami paid the modest fee, and the dock officer nodded. "Very good."

He smiled at her. "Please enjoy your stay in Loguetown, Mrs. Monkey."

Nami felt the blood drain out of her cheeks. "Ex-Excuse me?"

The man continued on, heedless. "I'd also like to congratulate you on your recent marriage." He smiled and winked. "Hope you make the most of it."

"How... Why would you...?"

"_Oh don't worry Nami! I, the great Captain Usopp, will easily forge the needed documents for us to dock! I've got it all under control..."_

Nami clenched her fists and snarled.

"Longnose, you are _dead!"_

* * *

_Just a bit of silliness I've put together due to a lack of new Pony episodes for inspiration. I instead have returned to One Piece, and I hope you enjoy!_


	2. Chapter 2

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

* * *

_Set right after Laboon, Mr. 9, and Miss Wednesday..._

"N-Nami, now now, let's be reasonable," Usopp said, in as reasonable a tone as he could manage as he cowered in the corner of the _Going Merry's_ hold. Nami was standing over him, her staff raised as the rage she'd had to put aside for several days returned, full force.

_I might have escaped, too,_ Usopp thought miserably. _If not for our damn passengers...!_

"_Hmph," Miss Wednesday snorted as she glared across the dinner table at Luffy. "Can't you eat with proper manners?"_

_"It's really disgusting isn't it?" Mr. 9 said, watching in fascinated horror as Luffy gobbled down food like a starving man. Luffy gulped down his latest bite and just grinned._

_"I just love to eat! Food is the best thing ever!"_

_"You're going to be hell on your wife," Mr. 9 chuckled. He then laughed mockingly. "Hahahah! Oh who am I kidding? Like a bean pole such as yourself could get a woman in the first place!"_

_Luffy frowned. "What are you talking about? I'm already married to Nami!"_

_"Oh, well that's-WHAT?" Cried both criminals. Sanji, working at the stove, twitched violently and growled. Luffy grinned and rubbed the back of his head. Nami and Usopp entered the mess, chatting about repairs to be made to the ship. Their conversation ceased as Luffy grinned and waved._

_"Hey Nami! Hey Usopp!"_

_Both Mr. 9 and Ms. Wednesday looked over at Nami, putting the pieces together. The blue haired woman was the first to break._

_"You're married to HIM?" She asked. Nami's eyes widened._

_"What? No! I didn't-We aren't-!"_

_"It's all official and stuff!" Luffy laughed. "Usopp filled out the forms himself!"_

_Usopp gulped as he literally felt like he was about to burst into flames from Nami's rage. He turned and grinned nervously._

_"Uh... Eheheh... I was kind of hoping you'd, er, forgotten that..."_

"_Oh you poor dear!" Ms. Wednesday said, taking Nami's hand and patting it with almost genuine sincerity. "Did your life experience make you set your sights so low?"_

"_Good on you kid," Mr. 9 whispered to Luffy, "she looks like a screamer!"_

_Which is when Mr. 9 was sent smashing into the bulkhead courtesy of Sanji's foot. The cook glared death at Usopp, who gulped._

"_Usoppppp...!" Nami snarled._

_Usopp took his chance to escape, running for his very life. Nami screamed bloody vengeance and ran in pursuit._

_Luffy just shrugged, and continued eating._

"_Hey Sanji, can I have more bread?"_

"_Fuck you captain!"_

_"Eesh, touchy..."_

_Why, why, why didn't I escape when I had the chance? Drowning would be preferable to this!_ Usopp thought frantically. "L-Look! LOOK! Hear me out Nami! Maybe being married to Luffy won't be so bad!"

"Be... So... _Bad?"_ Nami snarled. Usopp gulped and tugged at his non-existent collar.

"W-Well, by that I mean, um... Think about it! Has Sanji hit on you at all lately?"

"Well... No," Nami said. She glared. "I _kind_ of liked it though!"

"Luffy's listening to you more!" Usopp countered.

"_He has to listen to me anyway because he's a freaking moron!"_ Nami shrieked, swinging her staff for his head.

"AHHH! Y-yeah, but think about it! Think about it!" Usopp managed as he flung himself out of the way of Nami's strike. " We're criminals anyway! It's probably not legal!"

Nami paused, considering. "... Yeah, but Luffy's going to tell everyone we are _thanks to you!"_

"And? So? M-Maybe you can twist it to your advantage?" Usopp suggested. "I-I mean, he's forbidden fruit now! You can use him to guide in gullible women or something!"

Nami frowned, and slowly lowered her staff. She nodded.

"There are... Possibilities, I guess," Nami admitted. She laughed. "And it's not like it's official or anything! The Marines probably confiscated all our paperwork for evidence!"

Usopp laughed. "Yeah! It's not like Luffy's, I dunno, grandpa is an admiral in the Marines!"

Nami laughed harder. "Hahahaha! That'd be the day!"

The two shared a good laugh, Usopp congratulating himself on escaping unscathed for once. His little lie would have no serious repercussions whatsoever!

* * *

_Elsewhere..._

Monkey D. Garp was crying tears of joy as he looked over the paperwork the Marines had intercepted in Loguetown. He turned to one of his lackeys.

"You! Get this filed post-haste, stamped, and approved! My grandson's _married!"_ He held up Nami's wanted poster. "And she's _hot!_ That's my boy, _that's my boy!"_

He growled and smashed his desk into splinters. "And he didn't even invite _me?_ I swear, there had better be a grandchild on the way when I find him or I'll beat him black and blue...!"

And on the Grand Line, Monkey D. Luffy shivered.

* * *

_Some time later, at Drum Island..._

After a little... Incident with the locals and her marital status, Nami had taken Luffy aside with a serious look on her face in a booth in the inn. The party went on around them, loud but forgotten, as Wapol's fall was greeted with joy.

However, all Nami could think about was how after her recovery, she'd gotten _every_ compliment in the world on her _husband._

"Luffy, you really need to stop telling people we're married," Nami said, exasperated. Luffy blinked.

"Why? Are you ashamed of me?"

"What? No! That's not it! We're fake married! By USSOP! You can't tell people we're married if we're not really married!"

Luffy frowned, and shrugged.

"Well, couldn't be make ourselves real married? I mean, it'd be great!"

"Luffy, we are completely and totally _wrong_ for each other to start with," Nami said, dead serious. Luffy blinked.

"We are?"

"Yes! You have no clue about how love or romance works! I mean, we're nakama, sure, but... But real love and affection isn't something you get!"

Luffy blinked. "It isn't? But that's what you've been giving me."

Nami punched Luffy in the head. "NO I HAVEN'T YOU IDIOT!"

"Owww... See? Like that!" Luffy said.

"That's not affection Luffy!" Nami growled. "What, are your _enemies_ being affectionate?"

"No, they attack me cause they're bastards," Luffy said stubbornly. "When someone who cares about you beats you up, that means they love you!"

"How could you come to that conclusion?" Nami demanded. Luffy shrugged.

"My grandpa and foster mom did it."

That took all the wind out of Nami's sails as she stared at him. She lowered her arms. "Wha...?"

"Oh yeah! My grandpa tossed me down into this deep dark canyon when I was little and made me climb up!" Luffy said cheerfully. "Then tied me to balloons and let me fly into the sky! Then he dumped me into the sea, and made me swim for my life from sharks!"

Nami's eyes began to swim with tears as she looked into the utterly sincere face. "Luffy..."

"And he hit me a lot, all to toughen me up!" Luffy said. "And so did my foster mother! She was a mountain bandit, made me fight wolves for my meat! I can't remember how many nights I didn't get any food!" He smiled brightly.

"Wha... When you had your rubber powers, right?" Nami asked.

"Nope! Didn't get those until I was seven!" Luffy said. He smiled brightly. "So... All this hitting me means you care about me, right?"

The patrons of the bar around them were treated to the sight of Nami wailing loudly and hugging Luffy to her chest, bawling like a child. Luffy just blinked, looking very confused.

"... Something I said...?"

* * *

The other members of the Strawhat crew were unable to ignore the scene nearby. Sanji, naturally, was the first to respond.

"My god! He's molesting her!" Sanji gasped.

"She's hugging HIM to HER chest. Calm down," Zoro said flatly.

"What's going on?" Usopp cried.

"No clue. One minute she's hitting him and shouting at him like usual, the next she's hugging him to her," Zoro sighed.

"Maybe she's mad at him? Could that be it?" Chopper suggested. Sanji stared at him in disbelief.

"Why would she be mad if she's hugging him to her _chest_?" Sanji demanded. "Her sweet, wonderful chest~..."

Vivi nearby hummed thoughtfully.

"Well, Nami always shows her affection by hitting people, doesn't she?" She asked.

"Oh come on!" Usopp said flatly. "No way!"

"Haven't you noticed? She hits him the _most_, especially when he's been doing something dangerously stupid!" Vivi insisted.

"I guess so," Zoro said carefully.

"I still don't buy it!" Usopp huffed.

"No, no, no... Vivi-swan is perfectly correct," Sanji said. "The lovely Nami ALWAYS shows her affection through violence."

"Not ALL the time... right?" Chopper asked, concerned about this band of pirates he may or may not be joining.

"You know, they might on to something," Usopp said, looking thoughtful. "I mean uh, anyone else notice Luffy tends to... I don't know how else to put it delicately..." He tapped his fingers together, trying to find a nice way to put it.

"He _likes _getting hit," Zoro said bluntly. Vivi giggled as Usopp nodded.

"Yeah! Exactly!" Usopp said.

"Well, he _can _bounce back from almost anything, and she _does_ show her affection through violence, so..." Vivi trailed off and giggled again.

Sanji burst into melodramatic tears. "They're _perfect_ together!" He wailed.

"I don't get it," Chopper said.

"I can't deny it anymore... she really is meant for Luffy. I cannot give her the perfect target that she desires. No one can take a hit like our dear Captain!" Sanji cried.

"... you're going to be crying into your beer all night aren't you?" Zoro asked flatly.

"Shut up, Mosshead! Leave me to my grief!" Sanji sobbed. He lifted his mug of beer. "Here's to you, you stupid lucky rubber bastard!"

Chopper shivered, and began having second thoughts about joining this crew of weirdos...

* * *

_16th Marine Branch HQ, East Blue_

_Purupurupuru... Purupurupurup..._

Captain Nezumi grumbled a bit as he heard the call of his Den Den Mush, and he reached over to take the receiver from the transponder snail. A month after his humiliating defeat and his bruises _still_ hurt...

"Yes, what do you want?" He demanded, quite rudely.

"_This is Vice Admiral Monkey D. Garp,"_ growled a voice every Marine was familiar with, "_who the hell is this?"_

"AH! V-Vice Admiral! Sir!" Nezumi backtracked, quite spectacularly. "I-I'm so very sorry, I didn't know it was you! Th-This is Captain Nezumi, 16th Branch East Blue! I just wanted to say I've always been a huge admirer of you and your great deeds this is an _honor_ and I'd be more than happy to-"

"_CAN IT!"_ Garp bellowed. Nezumi gulped.

"Yes sir!"

Oh God, this was it. He was going to die. He was going to be strung up. Garp the Hero was calling, and that would be the end of him!

"_Now listen carefully, Captain... Jezumi,"_ Garp said.

Nezumi almost corrected the legendary hero, but caught himself.

"_I called your worthless ass for one reason, and one reason only,"_ Garp said.

Nezumi closed his eyes, trembling in terror.

"_I want a picture of my granddaughter-in-law!"_

A beat. Nezumi's eyes popped wide open.

"Ah? What?"

"_Nami of Cocoyashi Village. This village is in your jurisdiction, is it not?"_ Garp asked flatly. "_Get in contact with the locals and get me a picture of her!"_

"Your... She's _your_ granddaughter in law?" Nezumi squeaked. Oh he was really in it now! Not only had he been skimming off the top of pirates, he'd screwed over the _granddaughter-in-law_ of _GARP THE HERO!_

Was Garp playing a game? Was he the cat to Nezumi's mouse, enjoying him squirm? He was doomed, doomed, _doomed!_

"_Yes... Now get me some pictures of her! Current ones! A wedding photo would be perfect if you could get me one since THEY DIDN'T BOTHER TO INVITE ME AND-Zzzzzzz..."_

Nezumi stared at the receiver. "Uh...?"

"_Zzzzz... Zzzzz...-uh,_ _ahem, sorry," _Garp apologized.

"It's fine! _Totally_ fine!" Nezumi cried. "Anything, _anything_ you want Vice Admiral I'll get you! Anything at all! My congratulations to your grandson and granddaughter I'm sure they're a wonderful pairing and I wish them many years of happiness-!"

"_JEZUMI!"_ Garp roared. Nezumi trembled.

"Y-Y-Yes sir?"

"_I'm so glad you're being cooperative,"_ Garp said. "_Given the unsavory things I've heard about you, I assumed you'd give me the runaround like the stinking rat you are!"_

"... T-Thank you sir?"

"_That wasn't a compliment,"_ Garp growled.

"Yes sir! Thank you sir!" Nezumi babbled.

"_In any case, get me pictures of my granddaughter-in-law,"_ Garp said flatly. "_According to their paperwork they were married in Cocoyashi, so that's where you can get the pictures."_

"Uh, Commodore, that might not be possible," Nezumi tried. "The village is... Is... Um... Very treacherous! Yes! The way there is fraught with... With peril!"

"_What sort of peril?"_ Garp asked. Nezumi looked out at the clear, sunny skies and blew on the receiver.

"Fsssh! Storms! Fsshhh! Oh my God, it's as bad as the Grand Line! Fsshh! Impossible! We're all going to drown, ahhh! Fsshhh!"

The nearby wall was knocked down by a single fist, and Nezumi screamed like a little girl as he jumped onto the desk. _"_AAAHHHH!"

The reason was quite obvious-Garp the Hero was standing in the hole he'd made, a handheld Den Den Mushi in his hand. Garp grinned as he advanced on the trembling Captain.

"Yes... Quite the fierce storm," Garp agreed with a grin. He grabbed Nezumi by the collar and held him up. "Now... We are going to get pictures of my grandson and granddaughter-in-law's wedding."

"S-Sir... Please... I have no idea... I had no idea she was part of your family!" Nezumi squeaked. "She didn't even come b-b-back to Cocoyashi until recently! I don't even know who she married...!"

"FOOL!" Garp boomed. "How could you _not_ know, when _you set out his first bounty?"_

Nezumi's eyes darted to the wanted poster of his nemesis, but he couldn't see from this angle.

Fortunately, Garp helped him out by shoving his face into the wall... And through it.

_Maybe I should have taken that early retirement,_ Nezumi thought miserably.

* * *

_Buggy's Ship_

As the morning paper was delivered, Captain Buggy was feeling a bit low. Losing Monkey D. Luffy over a month ago had been humiliating. It was as though God Himself had interfered in his execution of the flashy rubber brat! And with the Marine presence in the area it was tough to get any serious pirating done. They'd had to hide out in some obscure lagoon where the fishing wasn't even any good! And to top it all off, he had food poisoning from a batch of bad apples... Which he'd thrown into his men due to a crack about the resemblance to his _nose._

Well, maybe it wasn't a crack. Maybe his crewman had just held the apple up to his nose to sniff it too long _but it still pissed him the flash off!_

"Grahhhh! Why can't anything go my flashy way?" Buggy demanded of the heavens, shaking his fists at them. "That flashy brat and his flashy crew! I'll string 'em all up! I'll burn them to cinders! I'll-"

"A-HA!" Alvida's voice sounded over the deck of the ship. Buggy turned his head to see his ally perched on a pile of pillows. The newspaper was before her and she laughed softly at it. Buggy narrowed his eyes.

"What's so flashing funny?"

"Oho! He was so resistant to my charms... I thought he was just a fool, but it turns out he had another reason to resist me. How very chivalrous! Ohohoho, I admire you all the more Monkey D. Luffy," Alvida laughed, holding a hand to her cheeks.

"What? Show me, what's all your flashing crap about?" Buggy demanded. Alvida handed over the newspaper, and Buggy yanked out the latest stack of wanted posters. He shuffled through them, sniffing disdainfully at the newest crop of punks.

"Bah, who does this fool think he's fooling, bright orange flashing hair. He's not fooling anyone, the poser!" The next poster. "What kind of stupid hat is that? Looks like he skinned a snow leopard! Yeah right, a Doctor my flashy ass!" The next poster. "Huh, sexy thing. But who names a kid Jewelry?"

"This from a man named Buggy," Alvida teased.

"BUGGY IS A VERY FLASHY NAME WHERE I COME FROM!" Buggy roared. He flipped to the next poster... And his jaw dropped.

"_WHAT?"_

The poster was of Luffy and Nami, standing before some long nosed kid holding a bible. Nami was wearing a veil, holding flowers, and looking confused, while that damn Luffy was wearing a bow tie and grinning for the camera.

_"'Strawhat" Monkey D. Luffy and "Burglar Cat" Monkey D. Nami-Double Bounty for the nefarious pirate husband and wife?'"_

Buggy screeched. "That's not fair! _Double bounties aren't fair!"_

"Ah, a married man. So devoted to his wife he didn't even recognize me," Alvida sighed. "So noble..."

"NOBLE NOTHING!" Buggy shrieked. "HE'S THE DUMBEST FLASHING SACK OF CRAP IN THE SEA!" He shook his fists. "_A double bounty?_ Just for _being married?_ It's not flashing fair!" He turned to Alvida, rubbing his chin. "Of course, we could match them easily if we-"

"Don't even think about it, Clowny."

"Just a thought!"

* * *

_Yep, still writing for this. Hope you guys don't mind though._


	3. Chapter 3

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

* * *

_On the way to Alabasta..._

"Eh?" Usopp grunted curiously, adjusting his telescope. He could see an object on the horizon closing on the boat. "Hey! We've got incoming!" The sniper yelled.

Zoro perked up. "Hm? Is it an enemy?" The pirate hunter called. Usopp frowned.

"Looks like a bird!"

"Ah? How big a bird?" Chopper cried, recalling the giant seagull that had buzzed them not too long ago. Luffy grinned as Sanji, Vivi and Nami all made it to the deck.

"No! It's a small one, regular sized..." Usopp lowered his telescope as the bird came in for a landing. "Ah! It's a mail bird!"

"About time! I was starting to think we couldn't get mail out on the Grand Line," Nami said with a smile. The bird held out a newspaper, and Nami gave the bird a coin. The bird cleared its throat and glowered. Nami grumbled, and gave it a little extra. With a flap of its wings, the bird was off. Nami opened the paper, and a wanted poster among a few other papers slipped out. "Hm?" She stooped down, picked them up, looked them over... And her eyes widened.

"WHAT?" She shrieked.

"What is it?" Luffy asked, hopping up to the second deck of the superstructure and reaching for the papers. Nami turned away.

"It's nothing!" She said. "Luffy can I have a word with you in private, please?" She asked through gritted teeth.

Luffy blinked. "Will I see the-"

"YES YOU WILL!" Nami cried.

"Can we see the-?" Sanji tried, but Nami shot him a deadly glare.

"NO YOU CAN'T!" Nami grabbed Luffy by the wrist and yanked him into her room. The door slammed shut behind them. Sanji blinked, and sighed as he turned away.

"Ah, the wonderful, unknown ways that woman's mind works," Sanji sighed happily. He then noticed the other members of the crew trying to eavesdrop, and angirly he kicked them off the railing.

"UWAH!" Usopp shouted as he hit the deck.

"GAH!" Chopper cried. They both slammed into the deck hard, as Sanji glared down at them.

"Don't pester Nami-swan while she's in a meeting!" He swore.

"Vivi though can eavesdrop just fine, huh?" Zoro asked dryly. Sanji looked over at the princess, who blushed from her position at the door.

"Well, um..."

"Of course she can!" Sanji said cheerfully. "Vivi-swan can do _anything_ she likes!"

"Hey! That's not fair!" Usopp cried.

"Yeah you jerk! Why aren't you letting us listen?" Chopper demanded.

"Now what could they be talking about, I wonder?" Sanji muttered, bending down with Vivi to listen in. Usopp and Chopper's jaws dropped.

"YOU HYPOCRITE!" They shouted, and they fell upon the cook in a dustcloud of limbs. Vivi laughed, and then pressed her ear to the door to listen.

"... can't believe you didn't tell me that your _grandpa_ is a _freaking admiral!"_ Nami shouted.

"Vice-admiral, actually, it's like an admiral but not as-OW!" Luffy explained, but was cut off presumably by a blow from Nami.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Nami demanded.

"You never asked!" Luffy said. "I mean, this marriage isn't getting off to a good start if you don't ask me anythin-GAH!"

"WE'RE NOT MARRIED, LUFFY!" Nami shouted.

A beat.

"... Yes we are-"

"NO WE'RE NOT!" Nami cried. "Just-Just because the documents were _really_ processed doesn't mean we're _married!_"

"Well why not?" Luffy asked, and Vivi could imagine him pouting at the redheaded navigator.

"B-Because we don't... I don't..." Nami tried.

"So we're married. What's wrong with that?" Luffy asked.

"Do you even know _how_ marriage works, Luffy?" Nami asked flatly, and she sounded like she had a hand pressed to the side of her head like she did when she had a headache.

"Sure. It's like being nakama, only different," Luffy said.

"That's not all there is to it, Luffy!" Nami said in exasperation. "I-I mean, when two people get married-"

"They do it because they love each other and want to spend the rest of their lives together," Luffy said, as though reading off of something. "Well, isn't that us?"

"W-What?" Nami gasped.

"Well, I love you," Luffy said, "and we're gonna be together forever-"

"You-You shouldn't say that so easily," Nami said, sounding unsteady. Vivi blushed a bit, and imagined the similar tint was on Nami's cheeks.

"Why not?" Luffy asked. "I do!"

"Yeah, like you love everyone else on the ship right?" Nami asked.

"Sure! I do! I wouldn't say that to them though," Luffy said. "Too mushy, ya know?"

"So you're mushy for me?" Nami demanded.

"Yep! That's what you are for your wife," Luffy said happily. "Like this!"

"Ah? Luffy, wh-what are you doing?" Nami gasped. Vivi's blush darkened, and she covered her mouth as she heard Nami giggle. "Hahahah-Heehehe-St-Stop it! Stop that, I'll kick your ass, ahahahaha!"

"Oh wow," Usopp muttered, listening through a glass. "What the heck are they _doing?"_

"I wanna know too!" Chopper said.

"That bastard, I should kill him," Sanji snarled.

"Oh quit your bitching, you were fine with them being together at Cocoyashi," Zoro snorted.

"Eh?" Vivi cried, seeing that now the _entire_ crew was eavesdropping. "What are you-?"

"Shhh!" They shushed her. Vivi relented and resumed listening.

"L-Luffy!" Nami said, sounding like she'd gotten control again. "Luffy, look... We didn't actually... I mean, I don't..."

"Nami," Luffy said, "so we're married. So what? It's a journey, right?"

"It's not a _literal_ journey, Luffy," Nami said, exasperated.

"But we're on a journey, so why not?" Luffy asked.

"You don't know everything there is to know about-about marriage and I... I don't know if I want to be married," Nami admitted softly.

"Do you?" Luffy asked.

"What?"

"Do you know everything there is to know about marriage? I mean, you're a navigator and it's a journey-"

"Not _that_ kind of journey, Luffy! And no, I don't!"

"So how do you know you don't want to be married?" Luffy asked.

"The way his mind works is frightening, isn't it?" Usopp muttered.

"Tell me about it," Zoro sighed.

"Nami-swannn," Sanji sobbed. "I can't believe this...!"

"The hell's your problem? What woman _isn't_ yours in this world?" Zoro asked in disbelief.

"_All_ beautiful women are mine!" Sanji growled. "They just don't all know it yet!"

"Selfish bastard!" Usopp hissed. "Save some for the rest of us!"

"Never!"

"Ahem?" Vivi said flatly. Sanji looked at her with hearts in his eyes.

"Am I being too forward, Vivi-darling?"

"Just a bit," the princess replied with a scowl. "Now shush!"

"I-I just," Nami tried. "I mean..."

"Look, we're on this journey together, right? So let's see what happens!" Luffy said cheerfully. "It's like an adventure! And you trust me, right?"

"I... I do," Nami admitted.

"And I trust you," Luffy said. "So what's the big deal?"

"... You really are an idiot, you know that?" Nami said with a sigh, and Vivi imagined the soft smile on the navigator's face. It was the same expression she wore around Luffy when she was sure he wasn't looking.

"Yeah, but that's why I've got you," Luffy said.

Sanji was crying, unable to decide if he should be smiling or gnashing his teeth so he did both and looked a bit like a dog trying to chew a chocolate toffee.

"Hmm... He seems _smoother_ than you, Sanji," Usopp said with a grin."Who knew?"

"Take that back, you Longnosed bastard!" Sanji snarled. He grabbed Usopp and began choking him, as Chopper, Zoro and Vivi tried to haul him off.

"Let go! You're gonna kill him!" Chopper gasped.

"No sense in jealousy, shitty cook!"

"YOU'RE NEXT!" Sanji snarled.

"Sanji, pleassse!" Vivi cried, hugging Sanji from behind. Sanji grinned and his eyes exploded into hearts.

"Vivi-channnnn~!"

"AAAHHHH!"

He kicked off in excitement, and sent the entire crew crashing through the door into the charting room.

Nami glared down at them, while Luffy was hugging her. She sighed in disgust. "I knew it," she said flatly.

"Nami-swan, please believe me, I didn't want any part of this-!"

"It was all Sanji's idea, and Chopper's!" Usopp said quickly.

"HEY! DON'T GO PINNING THIS ON ME!" Chopper said angrily.

"I was trying to keep these idiots from doing anything-!" Zoro said.

"I'm really sorry Nami!" Vivi said.

Nami sighed, and pulled away from Luffy. The rubber man released her, and grinned.

"Hey, can I show 'em?" Luffy asked. Nami rubbed her forehead, smiling oddly at her captain _and_ husband.

"Sure," she said with a sigh. Luffy grinned, and held out a wanted poster.

Upon it was a picture from the almost wedding on Cocoyashi-Nami and Luffy at the altar. Luffy was grinning, and Nami looked bewildered.

_"'Strawhat" Monkey D. Luffy and "Burglar Cat" Monkey D. Nami-Double Bounty for the nefarious pirate husband and wife?'" _The crew read aloud. Sanji wept loudly.

"Nooooo!"

"I _knew_ someone was taking pictures!" Usopp said with a grin. He groaned. "But they cut off my head in this one!"

"Well maybe you shouldn't have been standing on a box, huh?" Zoro said dryly.

"Ooh! Double bounty, neato!" Chopper cried. "I can't wait until I get a bounty!"

Vivi stood up from the tangled pile, walked over to Nami and hugged her. "Congratulations," she said. Nami sighed, hugged Vivi back, and looked over at her husband who was now poking his crew and laughing.

"Yeah, lucky me," Nami said dryly.

She couldn't quite keep a smile off her face though, Vivi noted.

* * *

Later that night, Nami had finished plotting their final course into Alabasta. She nodded, satisfied, and turned to head for the hatch.

It opened, and standing there was Luffy with a pillow and blanket. Nami scowled.

"Luffy, what are you doing here?"

"Vivi told me that it wasn't right for you to bar me from our room since we're married," Luffy said. He frowned. "And Sanji agreed."

Nami growled. "That perverted lech! I'll-Wait, what about everyone else?"

There was a loud banging.

"DAMNIT SHITTY COOK, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR!"

"GO SLEEP OUTSIDE MOSSHEAD! I'M NOT LETTING A BUNCH OF SCOUNDRELS LIKE YOU SLEEP NEAR PRINCESS VIVI!"

"YOU'RE THE SCOUNDREL AROUND HERE!" Zoro retorted.

"AH! SANJI, COME ON! MY 'CAN'T-SLEEP-OUTSIDE-ILLNESS' IS ACTING UP AGAIN! HAVE A HEART!"

"I'LL CONFIRM THAT! WE'VE ALL GOT THAT!" Chopper added. "I'M A DOCTOR AFTER ALL!"

"NOW YOU REMEMBER?" Usopp and Zoro bellowed.

Nami groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "Great..."

* * *

The next few days were hectic, and the marriage situation didn't come up save for a few jokes from Usopp and Zoro, Sanji's crying, and Vivi's giggles. After a narrow escape from the Marines, the subject reared it's ugly head out from the port of Nanohana where the Strawhats had recently escaped Captain Smoker's pursuit. Along the way, they had picked up a new passenger.

A new, extremely handsome passenger who did not wear a shirt, much to the joy of the female crewmembers.

"So Luffy," Ace said, sitting on a barrel on deck with a smile. "Been getting into trouble, I've read."

"Oh yeah! You know me!" Luffy laughed, rubbing the back of his head. Ace nodded and then adopted a scowl.

"However, I've also heard something else," he said in an almost dangerous tone. Chopper gulped and Usopp began to back away from Luffy's general area. He'd seen part of Ace's battle with Smoker, and he did _not_ fancy the idea of getting fried.

"Something you've been keeping from me," Ace continued flatly. "That you should have told me about sooner..." He stood up and _moved,_ so fast that Nami couldn't track him. He put Luffy in a tight hug and laughed loudly. "You lucky jerk! Why didn't you invite me to the wedding?"

"Eh?" Nami cried, throwing her arms up. "H-Hey, hang on, we didn't-!"

"Oh, few months ago," Luffy said obliviously. "It just kind of happened! I didn't even know we were married for a while!"

Ace laughed, as though this was entirely expected. "Hahahah! Figures that's how it would happen, little brother!" He looked between Vivi (who was giggling) and Nami. "So, who's the lucky girl?"

"She is," Zoro said, pointing to Nami.

"ZORO!" Nami shrieked. "EEP!" Ace's strong arm wrapped around her and yanked her into a tight group hug.

"Hahaha! Welcome to the family!" Ace laughed. "You must be some kind of girl to make Luffy go the extra mile!"

"She sure is!" Luffy said cheerfully.

"Luffy! Stop!" Nami groaned and looked at the rest of the crew. "Look, it's not-We _aren't_ really married! Tell 'em!"

"Oh no! There's no need to hide it!" Usopp chuckled, his eyes glinting evilly. "Why, these two loves birds-Half the time we can't keep them apart!"

"They're so affectionate sometimes it's sickening," Zoro said nastily.

"Eh? I thought they slept separately?" Chopper said, scratching his head. "Shouldn't they sleep together if they're married?"

"It's for crew morale," Sanji growled through his bitter tears. "To try and lessen some people's desire to poison his food..."

Vivi just kept laughing.

"I WILL MURDER YOU ALL IN YOUR SLEEP!" Nami shrieked. Ace raised his eyebrows.

"You sure landed yourself a feisty one, little brother."

"Oh that's okay," Luffy said cheerfully, "I know how to handle her."

Ace gaped in disbelief... And then sighed with a happy smile before mussing his brother's hair.

"And here I was starting to worry about you..."

* * *

Needless to say, when Ace headed off again it was something of a relief...

However, the journey across the desert was taxing and difficult, and it was not helped by Luffy eating some cacti that caused hallucinations.

"CROCODILLLLE!" Luffy bellowed, enraged, as he swung his fists at the air. "YOU BASTARD! I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS! CROCODILLLE!"

"Ugh! This is going to slow us down even more!" Nami groaned. "All right," she turned back to the party. "I think it's only fair if one of us stays behind to keep him safe. And that should be-"

"Nami," Zoro said.

"Nami," Usopp voted.

"Nami," Chopper moaned from the litter the crew had cobbled together.

"WHAT? LEAVING NAMI-SWAN ALL ALONE IN THE DESERT WITH A HALLUCINATING LUFFY?" Sanji demanded. "WHAT ARE YOU, BARBARIANS?"

"Hrrf!" Eyelash voted no, which got him kicked in the face by Sanji.

"PERVERTED CAMEL!" Sanji bellowed.

"Well Nami," Vivi said, smiling softly, "you _are_ married."

"Sickness and health, after all!" Usopp said.

"WHAT ABOUT YOUR DEBT TO ME?" Nami screamed, shaking her fists.

"What about your husband?" Zoro asked, pointing behind Nami. Nami looked back over her shoulder, and saw Luffy was running off.

"CROCODILE! YOU BASTARRRD!"

"What about your CAPTAIN?" Shouted Nami as she turned back. The rest of the crew was now some distance away. "HEY! YOU BASTARDS!"

"Sorry Nami! Payback's a bitch!" Zoro taunted.

"See you when you catch up!" Usopp shouted, waving. Sanji was tied up and lying over Vivi's lap, as Eyelash reluctantly carried the squirming, furious man.

"Drink plenty of water but save it! Good luck Nami!" Chopper shouted, waving adorably.

"I WILL TURN YOU INTO A RUG! I SWEAR!" Nami shouted. She looked back and saw that Luffy was getting even further away. With a sigh she rushed after their wayward captain, grumbling.

_Marriage fucking sucks...!_

* * *

Luffy was, unfortunately, very fast. Nami soon lost track of him, and her anger mixed with very real fear. She panted for breath, and risked a sip of water.

"Where did he go? Come on Nami, think! How can I get him back?"

"_CROCODILLLLE!"_ Luffy screamed in the distance. Her eyes widened... And then she smirked. She cleared her throat.

"LUFFY!" She shrieked at the top of her lungs. "LUFFY, HELP! CROCODILE'S ATTACKING ME!"

Luffy's head popped up over a nearby sand dune, and he ran over the dunes with his fists swinging.

"_**CROCODILE! YOU BASTARD! I'LL BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOU! HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY WIFE YOU BASTARD! RAWRRRR!"**_ He leaped high into the air above Nami, and the redhead's eyes widened.

_No... He won't... Not to me...!_

"**GUM GUM...!"**

"LUFFY!" Nami screamed, now in genuine fear. She ducked down and covered her head, closing her eyes.

"**GATLING GUNNN!"** Hundreds of blows rained down, all around her, kicking up sand into a dustcloud around her. She trembled as felt the ground shake from the power of the strikes. Any second now, a blow might land on her head and shatter it like a watermelon...!

The blows stopped, and Luffy landed right in front of her. His eyes were crazed as he looked around frantically.

"CROCODILE! YOU FUCKING BASTARD! GET OUT HERRRE! NAMIIIII!"

Nami lunged for him, and tackled him to the ground in a tight hug. "I-I'm here! I'm here, you idiot!" She clutched at him with all of her strength, and he soon stilled. He reached up to hug her tightly, and she squeaked.

"Nami... Where's Crocodile?" He growled.

"He's NOT HERE, you idiot!" Nami cried. "You're hallucinating!"

"Eh? But he's here...! That bastard!" Luffy growled. He hopped up, and Nami yelped as she fruitlessly clung to him. He threw his arms back, eyes narrowed in fury.

_I've got to stop him! But how? I need to distract him, get all his... Attention..._ She shook her head. No way! Luffy may have been happy about marriage, but _that..._

"**GUM GUM...!"**

_Not a lot of choice...!_ She pulled herself up and planted her lips against his.

**"Mmph?"** She kissed him deeply, her arms wrapped tightly around his neck and her legs going around his waist. She pressed herself fully against him and buried her tongue in his mouth.

A moment later, Luffy wrapped his arms around her, and his tongue was working against hers. Nami's eyes widened.

_Oh my... He... He's responding...?_ He wasn't clumsy with his tongue, he wasn't slobbering all over her mouth-No, he was _dancing _with her tongue. Passionately enough to make her knees weak. And even with the heat of the desert sun she felt hotter still as his hands began to roam and...

He dropped her abruptly, and she landed on her butt hard.

"Ah?" Nami gasped. She glared up at him. "What the _hell-?"_

"SANJI! LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!" Luffy yelled, shaking his fist at the air. "DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY WIFE YOU BASTARD! I DON'T NEED YOU TELLING ME I SUCK!"

Nami stared up at Luffy, as her captain/husband leaped over her and ran after his latest hallucination. "I FOLLOWED ALL YOUR INSTRUCTIONS TOO! NAMI THINKS I'M GREAT! STOP BEING A CANTALOPE! RAWRRRR!"

Nami sighed, and held hands to her bright red cheeks. She then lowered them and formed them into fists.

"Marriage sucks, but it can't be as bad as _widowhood,"_ she snarled as she got up and chased after Luffy.

As for Sanji... She'd decide whether to kill him or thank him depending on how she was feeling when they caught up...

* * *

And they managed to catch up to the Sandhats just as night was falling. They had set up camp at the ruins of the town called Yuba, and waiting to greet them was Sanji, who waved with hearts in his eyes.

"Nami-swan, my darling!" He cried. "I'm so glad to see you're safe! Those bastards were just so willing to leave you behind just like you have and-"

"SANJI!" Luffy bellowed, shaking his fists and charging for Sanji. "YOU BASTARD!"

"Eh?" Sanji blinked, and narrowed his eyes. "Oh? This is the thanks I get, you jerk?" He grinned darkly as he flexed his legs.

"I'M GOING TO BEAT YOU UP! YOU CANTALOPE!" Luffy yelled.

"WELL YOU'RE A POORLY PREPARED SIDE OF BEEF!" Sanji shouted back. "BRING IT ON!"

"I'LL BRING IT ON EVEN MORE YOU MELON HEADED-BWAHK!" Luffy's face slammed into the desert, thanks to a blow from behind. Sanji smiled, looking relieved.

"Ah, Nami-swan, I'm so glad you interven-URK!"

_"Sanjiiii..."_ Nami snarled, cracking her knuckles in preparation for another hit. Luffy slowly looked up, spitting sand out of his mouth.

"Eh? Nami?" He asked, looking aghast. "Why're you hitting Sanji?"

"I'll tell you later Luffy, now go into camp and get some food," Nami said with a smile. Luffy grinned and threw his hands up.

"Oh boy! Food! Works for me! Thanks Nami! I love you!" He ran off into the ruins of the town, leaving a lightly blushing Nami and a confused Sanji. He looked up at her and smiled disarmingly.

"Now Nami-swan, I don't think it'd be right to be the other man in this relationship. I mean, as much as I'd like to-"

"Can it," Nami growled. "Luffy told me about some _lessons_ you and he have been having." She grabbed Sanji by the lapels and shook him. "Just what kind of lessons were they, huh?"

"Ah! Oh! N-Nami-swan, wait! Please, let me explain!" Sanji said. He took her hands and pulled them away gently. He took out another cigarette and lit up, calming his nerves. "You see... Actually... Luffy sought _me_ out for lessons."

Nami blinked. "I... What?"

Sanji nodded. "Oh yes..."

* * *

_"Hey Sanji!" Luffy said, looking small and cross-eyed. "I have somehow, by the grace of God and entirely unfairly, gotten a girl who is wayyyy too good for me and would be far better with you. But I want to know how to make her tolerate my mere existence!"_

_"Ha!" Sanji said, shining like a god. "Despite how utterly pathetic you are, I, Sanji, World's greatest lover, will instruct you in the ways of pleasing women! As I would be doing with Nami-swan right now if not for you!"_

_"Durrr... You're right Sanji!" Luffy sighed. "I'm just no good compared to a dynamo like-"_

* * *

Sanji's reverie was interrupted by Nami's fist to his face.

"Stick to the facts, _please,"_ Nami growled.

"Ah, Nami-swan is so discerning with her beautiful-"

"SANJI!"

"Oh all right," Sanji sighed.

* * *

_"Hey Sanji?" Luffy asked, standing in the galley door. Sanji looked from his cooking at the oven with a raised eyebrow._

_"Luffy, food's not going to be ready for another-"_

_"I'm not here for food," Luffy said, looking unexpectedly serious. Sanji's jaw dropped, his ever present cigarette dropping from his mouth. His cooking utensils fell from his hands._

_"I... It... What?" Sanji managed. Luffy looked right in Sanji's eyes, piercing and solemn._

_"I want to know... How to be a good husband for Nami," he said. Sanji blinked rapidly._

"_Why should I help you?" Sanji asked flatly._

"_Because I promised to never make her cry," Luffy said with absolute seriousness, "and I know you don't want to see her cry either. So please... Teach me how to be a good husband!"_

_Sanji was silent, warring internally. He closed his eyes. In all honesty, his hostility towards Luffy over this was instinctive now, not meant seriously. And Nami _did_ seem to like Luffy, more than she'd admit. She was that kind of woman, after all._

_A bit of pride emerged in his heart. The captain, Monkey D. Luffy, _asking him _for advice about girls! It was unheard of! Incredible! Unbelievable! Not only had he gotten the lovely Nami as his wife, he hadn't the slightest clue what to do with her and yet... Here he was, asking..._

_Him. Despite everything. He was some kind of kid._

_He took out a fresh cigarette, lit it, and took a long drag off it. _

_He slowly nodded._

_"Okay Luffy..." His eyes narrowed. "Let's start with our first lesson then."_

* * *

"Just like that?" Nami asked in disbelief.

"Nami-swan, for you, I would even teach Luffy how to be a man," Sanji said earnestly. He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "It was _not_ easy though..."

* * *

_"DAMNIT LUFFY! NAMI'S BIRTHDAY IS NOT CHRISTMAS!"_

_"Why not?"_

"_IT'S CHRISTMAS YOU IDIOT!"_

_"Well how am I supposed to remember-"_

_"YOU'RE HER HUSBAND! YOU HAVE TO REMEMBER!" Sanji took deep breaths, and several drags off his cigarette. The soothing nicotine hit his system, and he released his breath out in a large, calming cloud. "Okay... Let's try this _another _way. What numbers do you remember about Nami?"_

_"37, 21, 33," Luffy said automatically._

_Sanji slowly nodded. "All right, that's a good start..."_

* * *

"MY MEASUREMENTS?" Nami cried, blushing brightly as she punched Sanji again.

"It-It was easy for him to remember?" Sanji offered. His eyes turned into hearts again. "As they would be for any man~!"

Nami huffed indignantly, wrapping her arms around her chest.

"That... That doesn't explain how he... He..." She went bright red and it was _definitely_ not because of the sun. Sanji blinked, and rubbed his chin.

"Hmmm? What'd he do?"

"He... Um... Well, to stop him from going crazy during his hallucination, I had to... Um..."

* * *

_"Oh Luffy, my husband," Nami sighed, opening her robe a bit to show off the tiniest bit of skin, "the only way to cure you of your madness is..." She bit down on a fingernail and looked at Luffy with a rose tinted backdrop. "My body... Please, take me!"_

_"NAMI-SWANNN!" Sanji cried with hearts for eyes while wearing an extremely poor Luffy disguise._

* * *

_THWACK!_

"It wasn't like _that_!" Nami shouted. "I just... I kissed him to make him stop rampaging... And he kissed me back, and um..."

"Owww... Nami, your love hurts far too much for any man but Luffy," Sanji sighed, tears running down his face as Nami glared down at him.

"Sanji!"

"Right, well... I had to use some... Aids," Sanji said. "That he would understand."

* * *

_"Here," Sanji said, holding up two melons. "Hold these... Carefully."_

_Luffy held them, mouth watering, but before he could chomp them down Sanji hit him. "Ow!"_

_"Pay attention!" Sanji growled. "With a woman, you have to take things slow, at first, and then speed up! You can't just gobble them down!"_

_"What? Why not?" Luffy asked._

_"Because women have feelings, food does not," Sanji said. "You don't want to hurt Nami's feelings, right?"_

_Luffy again wore that strangely serious face. "No! I don't!"_

_"Good... So consider this training," Sanji said._

_"Training?" Luffy asked._

_"Luffy," Sanji said, holding a hand on Luffy's shoulder and stretching his arm out to the far horizon. "Throughout history, there have been men who could fight and defeat even the strongest opponent all because of the love of a beautiful, wonderful woman! Men who could risk it all and fight to the death if only for the chance to come back to their beloved!"_

_"But I'd fight and win for any of my nakama!" Luffy protested. Sanji grinned and clapped Luffy on the shoulder._

_"I know that Luffy, but with a wife, it's a little different. Not more important than your nakama when it comes to fighting and or dying for them, but with a wife, well... It's like your soul is bound to hers, and hers to yours!" His eyes seemed to glow. "True love between a man and woman allows a man to do anything! Absolutely anything! And the more you invest in your marriage, the more you get out of it!"_

_Luffy gasped. "So you mean... Being a good husband is... Like training?"_

_Sanji grinned as he saw absolute comprehension in Luffy's eyes. He'd found his in! The way to teach this thickheaded moron!_

_"Yes! To become pirate king requires you to master all aspects of your life, Luffy! Including being... A husband!"_

_"YOSH!" Luffy cried, fire in his eyes as he held the melons aloft. "THEN I WILL BE THE BEST HUSBAND EVER!"_

SQUISH!

_Luffy blinked and looked up at his hands, now covered in melon juice. He looked over at Sanji, who was trembling. He laughed a bit nervously. "Oops... Um... Guess I need to train more, huh?"_

_"Those... Were our last... pieces... of Fruit..." Sanji's entire body seemed to burst into flames as he spun around. "_**YOU LITTLE-!"**

* * *

"So that's why there was a new hole in the bulkhead when I woke up," Nami said dryly. Sanji slid to his knees and clasped his hands together, tears running from his eyes.

"Please Nami-swan, believe me! It was _all_ for you! No matter what it takes, I will make sure Luffy makes you happy even if I myself _cannot!"_

Nami blushed brightly, something that had been happening regarding Luffy a _lot_ lately. It pissed her off a bit, how easily this stupid rubber man and this crew of morons could slip through her defenses, but... She'd left that entirely cold, cynical bitch behind in the ruins of Arlong Park.

"Thanks Sanji," Nami said. Sanji rose and smiled back.

"You're welcome, Nami..."

"... One thing I don't get," Nami said with a frown. "Why would he hallucinate you criticizing his... Kissing technique?" She raised an eyebrow.

Sanji coughed, and turned away. "There are some things, Nami-swan, that must be kept between men," he said. He then shuddered, and developed a thousand yard stare.

"Yes... _Totally between men..."_

Nami stared at Sanji, her imagination running wild.

_"Luffy," Sanji said, surrounded by bishonen sparkles, "kissing you is as close to kissing Nami as I will ever get!"_

_"Ah, Sanji, I don't know how any of this is supposed to work! I'm so innocent and ignorant of the ways of men and women," Luffy, looking quite bishonen as well, whimpered. Sanji reached over and touched Luffy's cheek._

_"Don't worry Luffy... Just leave everything to me-"_

"IT WASN'T REMOTELY LIKE THAT!" Sanji yelled, shaking his fists.

* * *

Later that night,Nami had just slipped into a wonderful sleep when she felt a hand shaking her shoulder. She slowly awoke, the intense desire to kill someone fueling her rapid return to the world of the living.

"Hmmm...? Mwah...? Wha...?"

"Nami? Hey, Nami?" Luffy whispered. "Hey! Wake up! Wake-MMPH!"

Pulling back her fist, Nami gave Luffy a scowl as she sat up. He laid on the floor before her, a bruise on his cheek.

"Luffy, what the hell are you waking me up for in the middle of the night?" She asked, her eyes dark and dangerous as Luffy got back on his feet. Luffy gulped, but seemed to steel himself and looked Nami in the eyes with a deadly serious look.

That took her aback briefly-Luffy? _Serious_? "What is it? Everything okay?" She asked urgently.

"No," Luffy said. He rested a hand on hers. "Nami? I don't like it when you hit Sanji."

Nami gaped. "Eh?" She then scowled. "Why not?"

"I don't like it when you hit him. Or any other guys," Luffy continued. "I don't..." He frowned, and shook his head. "_Like_ it."

"And why not?" Nami asked flatly.

"Because..." And here Luffy looked right into her eyes. "I don't want you hitting any man but _me_. Unless they're trying to kill you or hurt you or REALLY piss you off or something. Okay?"

Nami felt her jaw slacken, and she found herself giggling. Luffy was... _Jealous?_

"Hey! This isn't a joke, I'm serious!" Luffy insisted. Nami continued giggling, and hugged him.

"All right... I'll keep the hitting between us," Nami said, keeping her laughter down. Luffy smiled brightly.

"Really?" He then seemed to realize he was grinning, and then adopted a serious expression that reminded Nami a bit of Sanji.

"I mean... Good." He nodded.

"Relax," Nami said earnestly. "There's no one I like hitting more than you, Luffy."

Again Luffy brightened, and again he became serious. "Oh. Good! Ahem."

Nami punched him into the floor, face first. "So don't wake me up again unless it's something _really important_!" She hissed.

"Ow. Okay!" Luffy said, sitting up with a victory sign and a grin. Nami grinned back.

"... Would you two get a room already if you're going to keep this up?" Usopp asked, annoyed. "I'm trying to sleep-BWAH!" He was soon eating Nami's fist. The redhead glared down at the felled sniper, before she heard Luffy clear his throat. She looked back and smiled sheepishly.

"Sorry..."

"You're hitting me _extra_ hard for this tomorrow," Luffy said.

"I'll remember," Nami sighed, shaking her head in some disbelief.

* * *

_Not sure how in depth to go into the Alabasta arc itself, but there will be a scene for after Crocodile is defeated. This is primarily a comedy series after all._


	4. Chapter 4

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

* * *

_Alubarna_

Luffy's stomach rumbled, and he slowly awoke. He still ached like hell from the battle with Crocodile, but this warm soft bed and a warm soft body were making things much better.

He opened his eyes, and looked down. Nami was sleeping next to him, her arms wrapped around his waist. Luffy smiled happily. Someone hugging him in bed was nice, but Nami being the one to do it was... _Extra_ nice. He didn't know where they were, he just knew it was very nice-A white and pink room with big windows that let in a lot of sunlight, several beds in a row, and a few neat curtains hanging down. His hat was sitting on a side table, so that was taken care of. Judging from the view of Alubarna, he guessed they might be in the palace.

_Awesome. Kicked Crocodile's ass and now I'm in a palace! Now all I need is food..._

"Oi, Nami," Luffy said, gently shaking her shoulder. Her eyes fluttered, and she yawned as she awoke. She looked up, blinking... Her eyes then widened and she smiled.

"Luffy!" She gasped. "You're awake!" She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him, and he hugged her back. She pressed her lips to his, and a hot flush seemed to shoot through him.

Wow! Now he knew what all the fuss was about!

"Ha! Yeah!" He said cheerfully as she broke the kiss. "I'm also hungry, so could you get me some food?" He frowned.

Nami then punched him. "Ow!" Luffy cried, rubbing his cheek. "That hurt!"

"Idiot!" Nami snarled, hitting him again. "Idiot!" And again. "IDIOT!"

"Owowow! Nami, Nami what'd I do?" Luffy cried, genuinely bewildered. It only got worse when she kissed him again.

"Idiot!" Nami cried, hugging him tightly and burying her face in his chest. "You have any idea how worried I was? You've been out for _three days!_"

"Three days?" Luffy asked. "That's... Fifteen meals!"

"MORON!" Nami shouted, punching him even harder. "We... We nearly...!" She sobbed and hugged him again.

Luffy blinked._ "_Ah... Sorry about that," he said. "Had to kick Crocodile's ass."

"Y-Yeah... Yeah, I know," Nami sniffled, still hugging him. "It still... I..."

"Mm? What?" Luffy asked. Nami looked up, sniffling as tears and snot ran down her face. He smiled a little. "You're gonna need a handkerchief!"

"Idiot!" Nami said in an odd kind of growl and laugh. She kissed him once more, very briefly. "Mm... When we found you, you were so... So cold..."

That warm fuzziness again... Man, he was going to have to do this with Nami a _lot_ from now on. Maybe she'd let him sleep with her from now on so he could kiss her any time he wanted? Oh, wait, she was still upset. He should probably pay attention to that. Sanji had said that he should always pay attention to Nami, and he hadn't steered him wrong yet.

"Even in the rain you were freezing and I..."

"Well I'm not anymore-"

"And I could barely feel your heartbeat, and your fever was so high they said you were _poisoned_," Nami went on, babbling now, "and I-I thought-I thought for a second you were..." She kissed him, and then hit him again. Luffy wondered if that's how kissing was really supposed to work. "Idiot!"

Luffy blinked a few times as his wife hugged him, still sobbing. He then grinned.

"Shishishi..." He sat up slowly, and rested a hand against the back of Nami's head. He turned her head, and pressed his chest up against her ear. "But I'm not... Listen!"

Nami trembled, but seemed to calm down as she listened to his heartbeat. Her arms tightened their grip around his waist, and she sighed.

"See? I'm alive," Luffy said, stroking his hand through Nami's short hair. It felt very nice, like stroking a kitten. Nami nuzzled his chest, and looked up at him.

"Yeah... Yeah, you are," she said softly. She scooted up to sit in his lap, facing him. Her cheeks were flushed, and she was very, very warm... He let out a gasp, and she looked down. Her eyes widened.

"Oh, sorry," Luffy apologized. "It does that a lot..." He grinned. "Mostly when I think of you!"

Nami's entire face went bright red.

"Oh... Oh, I-I forgot," Nami said softly. Luffy blinked as she ran her fingers down the buttons of his pajamas.

"Nami?"

She looked back up and kissed him again, this time pressing her tongue into his mouth. He responded as trained, wrapping it around hers. His hands started to slide around as Nami pushed him onto his back. She broke the kiss long enough to discard her top, and Luffy's eyes widened.

"Buh... Buh..." He winced. "You're not gonna charge me for looking, are you?"

"Idiot," Nami laughed, wiping her eyes, before unbuttoning his pajama top, "of course not..."

* * *

"Are... Are you sure he can eat _all_ of that?" Igaram asked, staring in disbelief at the huge pile of food atop the cart. Sanji smirked.

"If he can't, then we'll know he's in _real_ trouble," he said. He sighed and clasped his hands together. "Besides, Nami-swan is in there and she'll need my tender loving care after staying with him all night long!"

"You don't think they...?" Usopp began, before shaking his head. He was still heavily bandaged, but Chopper's medical skills had made it so he could at least walk around. Sanji growled.

"What? No! Never!"

"Heh. I bet they did," Zoro said with a smirk nearby. Sanji growled.

"You take that back! He wouldn't lay a finger on Nami-swan! He wouldn't know how!"

"But haven't you been teaching him, Sanji?" Vivi asked with a wide smile, arriving with her father Cobra. Zoro smirked.

"Guess you only have yourself to blame, shitty cook."

"Shut the hell up, mosshead!" Sanji snarled. "I'm only doing this to make Nami-swan happy!" He rubbed his chin. "Though if they _were_ doing... It..." He immediately shoved the cart down the hall. "WAIT FOR ME, NAMI-SWANNN~!"

"HEY! WAIT UP!" Usopp shouted, charging after him. "YOU PERV!"

"I WANNA SEE TOO!" Chopper cried.

"Wait for me!" Vivi laughed, running after them. Zoro sighed and looked over at King Cobra, who coughed.

"I do want to be there when he wakes up," the king said, and he ran after his daughter. Igrama cleared his throat.

"Quite the crew you've got," Igaram observed. Zoro shook his head and ran after them.

"Believe me, you have _no_ idea..."

* * *

Nami kissed Luffy furiously, her hands going all over his body. To have him so warm and so alive underneath her was almost indescribable.

It also helped that Sanji had made him a _very_ good kisser and his hands were gentle all over her body. She felt him down below, and he groaned pleasurably in her ear... She broke the kiss and pulled back, panting.

"Haa... Haa... H-Hey," Luffy said, looking at her in confusion, "is-is everything okay...?"

"Ah... Y-Yeah, it's just that, um," Nami felt her arms going over her breasts, "well... This isn't a good idea."

Luffy blinked. "It isn't?"

"W-Well, right now, if we... If we do anything," she said, not meeting his eyes, "well I'm... I'm ovulating."

A beat.

"... Ovu-what?"

Nami sighed, and lightly hit her idiot husband over the head. "It means, if we do... _That,"_ and here she blushed furiously, "we-we might... I might get pregnant."

"Oh." Luffy hummed. "Would that be a bad thing?"

"I... O-Of course it would...!" Nami tried to get out, but seeing him _alive_ and under her and _alive_ made it hard for her to speak. His hand rested on her abdomen, and she stopped breathing.

"Why?" Luffy asked. Nami again found herself unable to speak, but managed to take a few deep breaths to calm herself.

"I mean... I-I'd like to, but..."

Luffy reached over to the side table, and picked up his hat. He pressed it down on her head, and she felt herself go bright red at the implication. He smiled.

"So why don't we?" He asked. He hugged her tightly, and grinned at her. "Let's make a baby, Nami!"

From any other man, those would have been the corniest, least sexy words ever uttered. But from Luffy... She felt like she was on fire. Nami kissed him deeply, and found herself moving down, and _down_-

The door burst open.

"NAMI-SWAN! I'VE GOT BREAAAAHHHHHHH?" Sanji screamed.

"Hey guys what's-WOAH! WOAH! HOLY CRAP I WAS RIGHT!" Usopp shouted.

"What? What's the big deal, why are you covering my eyes Usopp?" Chopper asked.

"NEVER YOU MIND, CHOPPER! NOTHING'S GOING ON!" Usopp shouted.

"Oh my!" Cobra cried. "I-It-Excuse me-! I'm very sorry, we'll just be leaving-"

"Just as I figured," Zoro sighed. "Cook, why the hell are you crying?"

"DAMN YOU LUFFY! WHY MUST YOU BE SUCH A GOOD STUDENT?" Sanji sobbed.

Nami very slowly turned her head, her eyebrow twitching dangerously. All of the males in the room swore they heard ominous chanting as hellfire shown from her eyes. She reached for her Climatact.

"**GET... THE HELL... OUT!"** She roared, smacking all four of her fellow crewmates and the King of Alabasta and finally blasting them down the hallway with a Whirlwind Tempo.

"AAHHHH! NAMI-SWAANNNN! WHYYYY?" Sanji cried.

"NOT AGAINNNNN!" Usopp shouted.

"WHEEEEEE!" Chopper shouted.

"WHAT THE HELL DID I DOOOO?" Zoro yelled.

"MY APOLOGIIIIIES!" Cobra bellowed.

Vivi had dodged out of the way, and smiled apologetically at the furious Nami. "S-Sorry," she said, bright red herself. Her eyes wandered to Luffy in the bed. "Um, if we'd known I'd..." She covered her mouth. "Oh my..."

"VIVI! STOP OGLING MY HUSBAND!" Nami shouted.

"SORRY! SORRY!" Vivi shouted back, giggling all the same. She pushed in the food cart, which had miraculously not been blow away too, bowed, and ran for the door. "W-We'll talk later!"

Nami sighed as the door nearly shut. "Vivi! If you don't get out I'm going to double the contract!"

The door clicked shut. Nami sighed and rubbed her forehead, turning back to Luffy.

"Luffy, I..." She blinked. "Wasn't there a food cart there...?"

"Oh. So that's why all that fruit was so crunchy," Luffy said, rubbing his jaw. Nami sighed, and laughed a little.

"Why am I not surprised?" Nami asked flatly. Luffy grinned at her.

"So! Are we gonna try to make a baby now?"

"Luffy," and with her head clear she was able to say it, "I-I would love to... Some day, but not now," she said. Luffy blinked and then smiled.

"Okay!"

"Just like that?" Nami asked in some disbelief. Luffy grinned.

"Well, a baby is a nakama that two people have to agree to meet later, right?"

Nami found herself giggling at his description as she sat down on the bed next to him. "Yeah, pretty much..."

"So, until both of us agree, we won't meet him," Luffy said.

"Or her," Nami replied.

"Or her," Luffy agreed. "But we're gonna meet them someday, so..." And here he grinned. "No rush!"

Nami sighed, and hugged him tightly. "... Stop trying to make me change my mind, idiot," she mumbled.

"Huh?" Luffy asked, blinking.

"Nothing..."

* * *

"Ahhh! Nami-swan, flushed with love and wearing nothing but Luffy's hat!" Sanji cried, rising from the floor as he thrust his fists into the air. "She is the very image of feminine beauty!"

"I will never be able to look at that hat the same way _again,"_ Usopp groaned.

"I'm more worried about how much debt she's going to pile on us," Zoro grumbled.

"I bet she'll quadruple it... _So_ worth it!" Sanji cried.

"You're pathetic," Zoro sighed.

"SHUT UP MOSSHEAD!" Sanji cried, kicking Zoro down the hallway.

"ERO COOK!" The swordsman yelled as he bounced off the walls into an adjacent room.

"What's everyone so excited about?" Chopper asked. "What the heck did you guys all see? What were they doing?"

"Uh, just forget it Chopper," Vivi said, running up with a blush to check on her father. She handed the reindeer a piece of candy. "Why don't you go to the kitchens and get some more food for all of us to eat, huh?"

"Well, okay," Chopper said with a sigh, running off. Vivi took a deep breath, and looked to her father.

"Father? Are you all right?"

Cobra Nefertiri groaned as he rose. He rubbed his nose, a bit of blood leaking out of it.

"Well... Now I know why that young man fought so hard to live," he said wryly. Vivi blushed.

"And why she did too," she mumbled.

"Alas... I've created a _monster!"_ Sanji cried, shaking his fist at a cruel and sadistic God. "He's even gone where I... Uh..."

"Where you... What?" Usopp asked. Sanji lowered his fist and coughed, looking aside. Usopp's eyes widened.

"Oh my God, you're a _virgin!"_

"NO! I'm not! I've been with doze- HUNDREDS of girls! I've sexed up and down the sea!" Sanji shouted furiously. "I AM A CASANOVA TO END _ALL CASANOVAS_!"

Usopp stared at him with the most deadpan expression imaginable.

"That is such an obvious lie it hurts my professional pride."

Sanji gave Usopp a dark look that portended a life of pain and misery. "If you _think_ about telling Zoro I will personally-"

"Oh please," Zoro snorted, walking back up the hallways. "No one who is as interested in sex as you are could possibly be anything BUT a virgin."

"Yeah, so? Like you can talk!" Sanji growled. Zoro was silent. Sanji's visible eye widened.

"Oh god," Sanji said, and he began to blubber melodramatically.

"I'm _not_ going to say anything," Zoro muttered.

"You _aren't?"_ Usopp gasped.

"It's no big deal," Zoro said with a shrug.

"This explains _so much_ now," Usopp muttered.

"About?" Zoro asked.

"Sanji. But you also," Usopp said.

"How about you?" Zoro and Sanji shouted, pointing at Usopp.

"What _about_ me?" Usopp asked.

"Have you-?"

The long nosed sniper coughed, stood up and placed his hands upon his hips with a jaunty laugh.

"Oh yeah, I've been with doze- HUNDREDS of girls! Sexed up and down the seas, Captain Usopp has left a vast trail of broken hearts in his wake! Ahahahaha!"

"... Well, that does make me feel a lot better," Sanji said, lighting up a cigarette and relaxing. Usopp sighed, depressed. "Still, I would like to know-"

"Never telling," Zoro said flatly.

"Oh come on!" Sanji growled.

"Nope," Zoro said.

"Please, save such conversation for another time!" Cobra said. He lowered his voice. "Like when my daughter isn't listening."

"Father!" Vivi cried, laughing and blushing... And strangely enough, _not_ looking Zoro's way.

* * *

The escape from Alabasta had been desperate and emotional. Being chased by warships to a tearful goodbye from Vivi (who, sadly, was not coming along) could not be anything but. However, the _Going Merry_ was able to escape, the wind fully in her sails as she set course further down the Grand Line.

However, they were taking something extra along...

"Hey guys! Look what I found!" Chopper cried, coming up from below decks with a box. "It's a package! And it's addressed to you and Nami from Vivi!" He said, looking at Luffy. Luffy, who had been moping moments before, came to life and grinned.

"Yeah! Presents!" Luffy shouted, jumping down to the main deck and tearing it open. Nami scowled and ran down the ladder, smacking Luffy over the head.

"Idiot! Let me look too!" She said.

She pulled out a box with a letter attached, and opened both. Within were two rings, both gold plated. One bore an amber gem, smoky and seductive, with a ring of green emeralds and what looked like diamonds. The other was a plain gold band.

"Oh wow, shiny," Luffy gasped.

"It's incredible!" Usopp gasped, as Luffy yanked the shiny ring up and examined it. Nami scowled and yanked it back.

"Hey! It's mine!" Nami said.

"What? But it's shiny!" Luffy complained.

"Idiot! The woman gets the shinier ring," Sanji said flatly, with a bop to Luffy's head for good measure.

"Owww! How come?" Luffy complained.

"So she knows she's special, idiot!" Sanji growled. "Come on, didn't you learn anything from me?"

"I'm amazed he didn't become dumber," Zoro quipped.

"SHUT THE HELL UP YOU BASTARD!" Sanji roared, and the two descended into a fight. Luffy scratched his cheek, and looked to Nami who was still reading the letter.

"What does she say?" Luffy asked. Nami looked over at her husband, and then at Usopp and Chopper who were also looking intently. She sighed.

"She wishes us many years of happiness, and enjoyment of our gifts," she said with a sad smile. "And to enjoy these gifts..." Her eyes widened. "Which include _painite_ in _my _ring, a gemstone _rarer and more expensive than diamond?"_

"Oh yeah, didn't see that one coming," Zoro said dryly. "OOF!"

"Don't get distracted, asshole!" Sanji snarled.

"Well, if that's the case then," and here Luffy smiled as he took Nami's ring and slid it onto her ring finger, causing her to blush, "here ya go!"

Nami trembled and looked over at Luffy. "I... Thank you," she said.

"Just as long as I get to look at it," Luffy said, staring in wonder at his wife's ring's shinyness. "So... _Shiny..."_

"Yeah," Chopper and Usopp sighed. Luffy then looked down at the box and grinned.

"I'm gonna put the other one on-"

"No, wait," Nami said, grasping his wrist. "Let me do it."

Nami smiled and took the other ring up from the box. She took Luffy's hand and slid the ring onto his finger. He smiled back and looked at it in the sunlight.

"Wow... That's shiny too!" He said cheerfully. He dug into the box and pulled out a book. "Huh? A book?" He asked in disbelief.

"Open it up! It was a gift from Vivi!" Usopp encouraged.

"Did she leave anything for us?" Sanji asked with a bright grin.

"I thought she already gave you her gift," Zoro said flatly. "Ya know, food, some clothing, putting up with you?"

"SHUT YOUR FACE BASTARD!"

"MAKE ME ERO COOK!"

Luffy opened the book and his eyes widened. "Oh wow... It looks like the stuff in Sanji's books!"

"Sanji's books?" Nami asked, turning the book to look at it. She saw a series of sexual positions on the pages, and her face turned bright red. "VIVI!"

"Wow... That looks funny!" Luffy said with a smile. He stood on one foot and stretched his other foot up high, before twisting himself into a knot. "Oh! Maybe I could make a great attack out of this!"

And thus Gum Gum Fireworks was born, though nobody knew that at the time.

"Ooh... Some of these look anatomically risky..." Chopper commented, flipping through the pages. Nami, steam rising from her head, snatched the book away and shut it tightly. "Hey! I was reading that!"

"Well, I guess she does want you to have a good marriage, after all," Usopp said with a laugh. "OWWW!" A laugh that turned into a yelp of pain as Nami smacked him over the head. "What was that for?"

"Rrrr!" Nami growled, squeezing Usopp's nose. "Any more cracks like that and I'll make it so _no one can tell you're lying ever-"_

"Nami!" Luffy said with a scowl. "What did we talk about?"

Nami coughed, let Usopp go, and punched her husband hard. "That better?"

"Ow! Yeah, it is," Luffy said.

Sanji and Zoro had ceased their fighting, and were watching the other four crewmates on the deck. Sanji sighed, and shook his head.

"He'll be fine," Sanji said, lighting up another cigarette. "We'll all be fine..."

"You two?" Zoro asked dryly. Sanji smirked.

"Of course... As long as Nami-swan is happy, _I'm_ happy." He turned to look out at the ocean, the smoke curling from his nostrils. "That is _true_ love, after all..." He sighed. "I'm going to miss Vivi-chan though..."

"Yeah. Me too," Chopper sighed.

"Me three," Usopp added.

"Me four," Nami hummed.

"Me five," Luffy said. They all pouted as one, and Zoro stared.

"Huh?"

"WE MISS HER!" They cried.

"All of these gifts remind me of how _much_ I miss her!" Usopp sniffled.

"If you wanted her to come, you should have taken her! By force if necessary!" Zoro argued.

"Ah! Barbarian!" Chopper cried.

"Bastard!" Sanji snarled.

"Jerk!" Nami added.

"Three sword style!" Luffy accused.

"No, Luffy, that's _not_ an insult," Usopp said flatly.

"... Four sword style!" Luffy cried.

"No, _that's_ not the problem!" Usopp insisted. "For an insult you need to attack something particular to an individual, a _flaw_ or _negative_ feature..." At Luffy's blank look, Usopp just sighed. "Go back to your gifts."

"Yeah!" The rubber man said happily, rummaging around in the box. Luffy then frowned and held up a particularly _racy_ bit of blue and white underwear he had found in his search. "Woah! I don't think I can wear this."

"LUFFY! YOU BASTARD!" Sanji snarled, being restrained by Zoro. "I'LL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB, YOU'LL NEVER EAT AGAIN!"

"Ah, so _this_ is love," Zoro said dryly.

"L-Luffy!" Nami said with a deep blush, yanking the lingerie out of his hands and tucking it against her chest.

"I think it looks cute," offered Nico Robin, emerging from a hatch nearby with a smile. Nami nodded.

"Well yeah, but it's still embarrassing!"

"What? You wear less when we sleep," Luffy said. Nami blushed and hit him.

"Idiot!"

There was dead silence. Every one of the Strawhats turned to look at Nico Robin, who was smiling at them.

"Good afternoon," she greeted them, politely.

"WAAAAAAAHHHHH?" Was the response of the Strawhats.

* * *

_Denver Comicon has taken up most of my time, but I was able to put this together. Hope you enjoyed. The Skypeia and Bellamy arcs have some opportunities for chapters for this story, but for the most part the events of canon would be unchanged. So I might write a short chapter detailing some events there, but only briefly._

_Besides, I want to get to Water 7. For the simplest reason of all: Garp catches up to them._

_And he's not too happy..._


	5. Chapter 5

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

* * *

_Right after our heros first meet Bellamy and Blackbeard..._

On the _Going Merry's _poop deck, Chopper was tending to Luffy and Zoro's injuries courtesy of Bellamy and his gang. Well, he was trying to tend to Luffy's, but Nami had taken that job so she could berate her husband for his stupidity.

"Really, you just stood there and took it! Where's your pride, they just laughed at me! You stupid moron, what the hell is wrong with you?" Nami growled, swabbing alcohol into a cut on Luffy's neck. The rubber man hissed, but kept smiling.

"It's not so bad Nami, really!"

"Idiot! You're supposed to defend my honor, too! I just asked about Sky Island and they all _laughed_ at me!" Nami snarled, now jabbing the cotton ball into Luffy's neck. The captain winced a bit as Zoro looked on with a deadpan expression.

"I can't help but notice she doesn't seem to care about my pride..." Zoro commented. Usopp sighed and shrugged.

"She probably doesn't," he said. The swordsman stared at the sniper, who smiled a bit.

"Be fair. She's married to him."

"Ah," Zoro said with a sage nod.

"WE ARE NOT REALLY MARRIED!" Nami growled, moving her fingers up to Luffy's cheeks. Zoro sighed.

"Married, not married, make up your mind about it!" Zoro said wearily.

"Kind of feel sorry for the guy, all that grief," Usopp murmured back. Zoro nodded sagely.

"Mm. He has to take it into his own hands, like a man."

"Own hands?" Luffy asked.

"Don't pay attention to them! I'm not done yelling at you!" Nami snarled. Luffy looked up at his wife, and to her hands on his face. He took hold of her wrists, and pulled her hands to his lips. He kissed them, and Nami froze as though shocked.

"W-w-w-w-what was that for?" Nami gasped, trying to pull her hands away. Luffy grinned.

"Your fingers are bruised," he said.

"From dragging you assholes back from the bar, yeah!" Nami growled. Luffy kissed her hands again, and her cheeks became red. "St-Stop that! Why are you doing that?"

"Aren't you supposed to kiss boo boos to make them better?" Luffy asked, almost playfully, as he continued to kiss each finger in turn.

"I don't think that work-" Chopper tried, but he was shushed by Usopp.

"Just watch," the sniper said with a wink. Nami's blush became deeper, as Luffy kissed the backs of her hands.

"No! That's not how that wo- that doesn't-," she stammered out, before huffed. "WILL YOU STOP KISSING MY HANDS? IT'S REALLY DISTRACTING!" She cried.

Memory of what they'd been up to in the room in Vivi's palace came to Luffy's mind. It had been a week since then, and Nami had acted standoffish in the extreme. Frankly, he couldn't find a reason _to_ stop. But he did anyway... He just wrapped his arms around her waist and planted a kiss to her neck.

"I like distracting you," he said, his voice low and-dare she say it?-sensual. Nami trembled, as Luffy continued to kiss up and down her neck. "And I think you like it too," he murmured, teasing her.

Teasing her... _He was teasing her..._ She felt so warm.

"N-no I don't and you're still not... you... so annoying... and... I don't have bruises there..." Nami whispered. She was barely aware that Zoro was ushering Chopper away with a finger to his lips, and he had also dragged Usopp with him despite the sniper's silent protests.

"Yeah, but you like it," Luffy said with a grin up at her. Nami trembled and growled, regaining some control through her anger even as her fingers brushed through his hair.

"I am _trying_ to talk-talk seriously with you, idiot!" Nami growled.

"Yup, and I'm listening," Luffy said, pressing his tongue to the side of her neck and dragging it up to her ear. Nami gasped softly, and her gripping fingers moved to his shoulders.

"N-No you're not!" She hissed, well aware of how warm and solid he felt. He'd pulled her into his lap-When did _that_ happen?-and his hands were sliding down to her rump. She bit back a moan when she felt him grip her bottom. "Mm...! Y-You're doing... That," she whispered.

"What?" Luffy asked.

"T-Touching me," she murmured, and he kissed his way up to her lips. "Mm... Kissing me..."

"Yup," Luffy confirmed, a devious smile on his face and in his eyes, "but I'm still listening."

_Must... Do... Something nice... For Sanji for this,_ Nami thought, as she closed her eyes and pressed her lips to Luffy's...

"Nami! Everyone? I'm back!" Robin called. Nami's eyes popped back open, and she shoved Luffy away onto the deck.

"WELCOME BACK!" Nami cried in far too high a pitch. She rushed down the ladder to greet Robin. "How is everything? Don't you look well? What did you buy?"

Luffy sat back up, staring in disbelief at his wife as she hurried Robin below deck. Sanji watched them go... And was unable to resist a smirk.

_Serves you right, rubber bastard... I would've had to clean up!_

* * *

_I've decided to go the route of random snippets for this story, as chronological order isn't too difficult for anyone to follow. Enjoy!_


	6. The Wedding Part 1

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

_Set right after Enies Lobby..._

* * *

_Water 7_

The Marines had come out of nowhere and completely surrounded the Strawhats. Luffy growled as he looked around at his foes, and readied his fists. Nico Robin, recently rescued from Enies Lobby, held her arms aloft. Nami readied her Climatact, eyes narrowed and focused. Sanji lit his cigarette, and cracked his neck as he stood akimbo. Zoro rested his hand upon his swords, eyes shadowed. Chopper held a Rumble Ball, ready to bite down and fight. Franky cracked his knuckles, the sunlight glinting off his sunglasses.

Out of the crowd of Marines came a great hulking figure. And Luffy gaped as Nami growled.

"Grandpa? You again?" Luffy gasped.

"LUFFY!" Garp growled. He crossed his arms over his chest and glared. "You can't get away this time, Luffy! Not after what you pulled!"

Luffy glared back defiantly. "Grandpa... I did it to save my nakama!" He flexed his rubbery wrists-Reluctant, but willing to fight. "I'd die before I let even one of them be executed!"

Garp sighed deeply, closing his eyes. "I thought as much... You're as stubborn as your father, brother, mother... But I've got a foolproof trap for you, Strawhat Luffy! That not even you can escape!"

"Oh yeah? What?" Luffy demanded.

Garp glared. "YOU OWE ME A WEDDING!"

Silence fell over the pirates and Marines alike. Nami's jaw dropped, before she glowered.

"What the HELL?"

"That's right, Strawhat Luffy!" Garp boomed. "You owe me a wedding, since you didn't invite me to yours!" He motioned back behind him. "I even brought my granddaughter-in-law's family along to see it!"

"Hey Nami!" Nojiko said, waving. Genzo also sat there, looking a bit nervous as his pinwheel turned. Nami's eyes took on a red color.

"You... Dare... To kidnap... MY FAMILY?" Nami roared. Garp was actually intimidated enough to take a step back, but he kept up his smile.

"Uh, Nami, calm down," Luffy tried.

"Seriously! Cool it!" Zoro insisted.

"Kidnapped? BWAHAHAHA!" Garp laughed. "Of course not! What do you take me for, a pirate?"

"HEY!"

"Um, sir?" Coby asked, the short pink chief petty officer said, "we did kind of take them against their will-"

"Like I said, what do you take me for, a pirate?" Garp growled. Coby coughed, and looked to the side.

"Aye sir!"

"Anyway! This brilliant trap can only be escaped if you get by me," Garp growled. "And that's not gonna happen!"

"Oh yeah?" Luffy demanded, clenching his fists.

"... There will be cake and meat," Garp said.

Luffy blinked, hummed, considered...

"How much?"

"LUFFY!" His crew screamed.

"Oh come on! You're not seriously falling for this crap, are you?" Nami demanded. "A wedding? Really?"

"I've already had your wedding dress made up," Garp said, and a few hapless marines showed a beautiful white dress off. Nami stared in shock.

"Are those... Sea diamonds?"

"The very same," Garp said.

"I helped model it, since we match so closely!" Nojiko called.

"Nami, don't fall for it!" Sanji warned. "Come on, it's not worth it!"

Nami frowned and looked up at Garp. The vice admiral looked back, gaze still stern... And then he winked.

He winked.

"... Well, I guess we're captured," Nami said, shrugging. She looked over at Luffy, who stared at her... And then smiled back.

"Yep! Guess we surrender!"

"WHAT?" Screeched the rest of the crew.

"Luffy's lost his mind! Someone snap him out of it!" Franky shouted. "COMMON SENSE BOOSTERRR!" He shook Luffy frantically. "RELEASSSSE!"

"WAHWAHWAHWAH-St-STOP! STOP! I know what I'm doing!" Luffy growled. He looked at the rest of his crew. "This isn't going to be easy..." And here he grinned. "But I've got a plan."

"Don't just announce it in front of the Marines you moron!" Sanji snarled.

"Mwahahahaha! Good! Now, let's get this thing rolling!" Garp boomed.

"Uh... Does this seem like a strange kind of trap to you?" Helmeppo asked Coby. The pink haired chief petty officer gave Helmeppo a wry look.

"Considering our commanding officer?"

Helmeppo nodded. "Good point..."

* * *

Sanji took charge of the Marine kitchen and soon the "prisoner" had a fine wedding feast churned out. Genzo served as father of the bride, and Garp shanghaied Luffy to fix him up in something "respectable" with Coby, Helmeppo, and Zoro drafted as groomsmen. Nojiko and Robin quite happily took up maid of honor and bridesmaid positions, and despite Sanji's best protests he was not allowed to join the wedding party nor serve as best man.

Chopper and Franky both volunteered for the job, but Chopper was regulated to ringbearer, while Franky was given the task of bouncer.

After he "bounced" Marines out of the wedding and Water 7 entirely, he was demoted to "flower girl", which was in his words "NOT SUPER!" Nevertheless he carried out his duties. Weapon Left and Right were modified to fire flowers, which he tested on a group of Marines.

Franky was hence demoted from flower girl to flower pot, with bouquets stuffed into his disabled arm cannons.

Luffy tugged irritably at his jacket as his grandfather fussed over his tie.

"Grandpa, seriously! I can tie all sorts of knots!" He wrapped his arms together and tied them into a knot with a grin. "See?"

"IDIOT!" Garp growled, punching Luffy in the head.

"OW!"

"Don't wrinkle that suit! It was your father's," Garp grumbled.

"Right, sorry," Luffy said. "Hey, why isn't he here anyway?"

"When I tried to invite him, he smirked like the annoying shit he is and ran off while a thunderstorm went off," Garp said. Luffy looked a bit downcast.

"Oh."

"Relax," Garp said, "he'll probably show up binging at the snack table."

"Oh cool! Hey, what about Ace and Shanks and Dandan and everyone else?"

"Do you want the whole force of the Marines coming down on us?" Garp growled. He coughed. "I mean, I extended invitations but they'll probably just crash it."

Which would allow Luffy and his bride to escape... Not that Garp was going to mention that part, of course.

"Cool!" Luffy grinned.

"Now Luffy, tell me honestly," Garp said with a glare. "How... Far... Have you gone with Nami?"

Luffy blinked. "How far? Well, to Water 7 at least-"

"NO! I mean..." And here Garp faltered a moment before steeling his resolve. "How... Close are you?"

"Well, we're husband and wife so I guess we're close, but she said that seeing her before the wedding was bad luck so I don't really know how far away, I could measure-"

"HAVE YOU HAD SEX YET?" Garp finally just bellowed, exasperated.

The groomsmen, resting outside the room, all went pale.

"I did not just hear that," Zoro muttered.

"That makes two of us," Coby moaned.

"I am going to stab myself, no one stop me," Helmeppo said, holding up a knife.

"Um... No, we haven't," Luffy said, scratching his head. He grinned. "We've gotten close though! She keeps saying she's 'repaying' me when we do touchy feely stuff. Not sure why, she doesn't need to repay me."

Garp's jaw fell to the floor as tears poured from his eyes.

Nooo! How could i have misjudged her? I didn't know she was THAT kind of woman!

Garp shook his head. No, you saw her fire. So what if she's used to taking money for... That. There's a good way to fix that...

"Luffy," Garp said sternly, "on your wedding night, you must absolutely do these things..."

* * *

"You said you were repaying him?" Nojiko gasped. Robin giggled nearby, as Nami finished admiring herself in the mirror.

"Well... Um... Yeah, a little," Nami admitted. She looked down at the floor. "I mean, it's not as if he doesn't deserve it-"

"Would you listen to yourself Nami?" Nojiko huffed. "Your own husband you keep at arms length!"

"I-I just... It makes it easier that way," Nami said weakly. "We haven't actually... Done it, you know..."

"Still Nami, given the importance of weddings as rituals of change and affirmation," Robin said, smiling, "you might want to... Change that."

"Yeah... But um..." Nami worked her hands together nervously. "I'm... I'm just not sure..."

"Relax," Nojiko said, resting a hand on her sister's shoulder, "we'll tell you what to do..."

* * *

As Luffy and his party made their way down the aisle to nearby the podium, the Strawhat captain sighed.

"What's wrong, Luffy?" Garp asked.

"I just wish Usopp could be here," Luffy said. "You did try to track him down, right?"

"Given his lack of a bounty, it was difficult," Garp said.

"Unless he comes begging for forgiveness, we're better off without him," Zoro grunted.

"Sorry Luffy," Coby said, patting his shoulder. He grinned. "Still, if you need a best man-"

"Nope," Luffy said.

"But I'm-I've known you-!"

"Nope."

"But I just-!"

"Nope."

"Damn," Coby grumbled.

A familiar theme song began to play over the speakers, and everyone looked around.

"Eh? What's that?" Luffy asked.

Zoro groaned and held a hand to his forehead. "Oh no... Not him..."

Smoke exploded in front of them, and as it cleared it revealed the form of...

"SOGEKING! COOL!" Luffy shouted.

"Yes! I, Sogeking, have arrived!" Sogeking cried, posing dramatically. "I'm very sorry, but Usopp the Mighty could not be here today! Instead, he sent me, the King of Snipers, to fill in!"

"Wanna be best man?" Luffy asked.

"Certainly, Captain Luffy!"

"AWESOME!" Luffy cheered. "This is the best wedding ever!"

"I got passed over... For that?" Coby asked, dumbfounded. Zoro patted him on the shoulder.

"What can I say, life sucks kid..."

"He didn't even think of asking me!" Helmeppo cried. "Vice-Admiral sir, can't you do something? I..." He sighed as he saw Garp was sleeping again, a snot bubble poking out of his nostril.

"Damnit..."

* * *

Meanwhile at the buffet table.

"I knew you'd show up." Garp said gruffly.

"No, you didn't." The man in the hood smugly replied as a piece of ham disappeared into his cowl.

"Sure I did. It's not like you were going to miss your own son's wedding."

"You might be overestimating my sentimentality." The hooded man replied.

Now it was Garp's turn to sound smug, "Nope."

The hooded man looked up just enough to meet Garp's gaze. "He looks good in my old suit."

"Sure does. His bride's a cutie too."

"Why the rush, though? Did he knock her up?" A grin was now visible under his hood, "Am I a grandpa yet?"

Garp gave a disgusted huff, "Naw. They ain't gotten that far. Tonight though, probably."

Dragon nodded. "Here's hoping he does end up doing a better job than I did with him if he does knock her up."

"You planning on sticking around til the actual wedding?"

"Maybe. Not anywhere where you can catch me, though, old man."

Garp made an indignant grunt, but the hooded figure was gone.

So was the entire massive ham that had been on the table.

Garp gave a disgruntled sigh and suddenly felt a sharp blow to the back of the head.

Sanji roared at him, "I don't care who you are! You do not eat the food before the rest of the guests are ready!"

* * *

_For those of you wanting to see Sanji be badass, there you are. He one-shotted Garp himself over food. Just so you don't think I'm picking on him._


	7. The Wedding Part 2

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

_Set right after Enies Lobby..._

* * *

_Water 7_

"I don't see why I have to flashing disguise myself for this!" Buggy growled as he and the rest of his pirates took their seats. The wedding was being held outdoors, and the invitations had ranged far and wide. Fortunately, the bird that was to deliver Ace's invitation had made a brief stop at Buggy's ship, and hence they'd gotten wind of where the Strawhats were.

"Obvious, isn't it?" Alvida said, dressed to kill in a sleek, red dress that caught the eyes of many men. "With all these Marines around, getting Strawhat isn't going to be easy. To say nothing of the other guests."

"Yes, Vice Admiral Garp," Buggy agreed, shivering a bit. He still couldn't believe the brat was related to not one but two legendary figures! What were the odds?

Then again he was a crewmember on the Ore Jackson and he didn't get nearly as much press as that flashy Shanks did...!

"Just relax. The proper opportunity will present itself. Luffy and his crew bring chaos anywhere they go, and that chaos will be their undoing," Alvida said, laughing sexily. "Mm, that poor girl's going to be a widow before her wedding night!"

"Hahahaha! What a flashing shame! Bet we're saving her a bad night though-He probably doesn't even know how it works!" Buggy chortled.

"Mm... He's quite creative though," Alvida said, brushing her nails over her cheek. "And made of rubber... If that girl's got even the tiniest brain, she'll think of ways to make him... Entertaining."

"Bah! He wouldn't know what to do with a woman if she fell into his lap! Not like me!" Buggy said, grinning as he pointed his thumb at himself. Alvida raised an elegant eyebrow.

"Lime green suits big where you come from?"

"Of-Of course!" Buggy said defensively, tugging at his sleeves. "I got all the babes I wanted with this flashy ensemble!"

"Are you sure they weren't blind?" Alvida asked, laughing softly.

"OH FLASH YOU!" Buggy bellowed. A man in a cloak bumped into him. "Oh, sorry."

"Quite all right," the stranger said with a smile. "Just making my way to see the groom."

"Oh? What's your relation to him?" Buggy asked.

"Why," and the grin was visible even in the shadow of the cowl, "he's my brother, of course."

"Oh, that's wonderful! Give him my regards," Buggy said. The cloaked man walked away.

"Three, two, one," Alvida counted down.

"Wait a minute-WHAT THE HELL AM I BEING SO NICE FOR?"

* * *

"And so I... Like that?" Nami asked, in disbelief.

"It's not that hard," Robin said, laughing gently. "You know how to lead men around, after all."

"Sanji is easy. Any hot woman could tell him to jump in a lake and off he'd go," Nami sniffed.

"Mm, he's trying too hard," Nojiko said with a laugh. "I think he's a little afraid. It'd take quite the woman to break him." She grinned at Nami's glare. "What? I wouldn't mind~."

"Is this really all you talk about behind closed doors?" Nami asked flatly.

"Oh like you didn't get into this with Vivi," Robin said, laughing softly. Nami blushed.

"That's different! We weren't a pair of... Of... Dirty old women!" She huffed and rubbed her face. "Even for our life this is ridiculous. This whole thing just started because of a slip of the tongue and here I am... I... What am I doing...?"

"Dos Fleur~," Robin called, crossing her arms. A pair of arms emerged from Nami's sides, and squeezed her breasts.

"AH? WHAT? I DIDN'T MEAN THE OLD WOMAN THING LITERALLY! EEP! QUIT IT ROBIN!"

Robin laughed, and proceeded to tickle Nami.

"AHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHHA-ST-STOP IT! I'LL KILL YOU AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Robin at last relented, and released Nami. The redhead panted for breath, looking down. Robin's hands took hold of her chin and lifted her face. Robin smiled down at Nami.

"This is a special day for hopes and dreams, not insecurities," Robin told her. "Be the brave pirate you are, and face it head on."

Nami stared up at Robin, and smiled back.

"Thank you... I will," she said.

Nojiko joined Robin and hugged Nami. "You'll be fine," she said. Her smile turned a bit... Naughty.

"And of course, if you run out of ideas, that special underwear should help things go... Smoothly."

"Sure, if I want to get eaten alive," Nami retorted.

"Rubber tongue~..."

"ROBIN!"

"Ahem," Genzo grunted outside the tent. "If you'd think about an old man's heart...?"

"My apologies sir," Robin said. "Are we ready to begin?"

"Looks like!" Genzo said. He peeked in, and smiled. "My God... You look wonderful, Nami. Belle-Mere would be proud."

"Thank you Genzo," Nami said, impulsively hugging him. He hugged her back, and she let him go with a sigh. "All right... When the fireworks start, just remember-"

"Take cover, stay out of the way," Nojiko said with a nod. "Don't worry, we're not about to get killed by the wedding crashers."

"Think it's that likely?" Genzo asked.

"Do bears walk up mountains with pickaxes?" Nami asked dryly.

* * *

"Um... Captain Smoker?" Tashigi asked. "I have a question..."

Smoker sighed. "If it's about this wedding trap business, no, I don't buy it either. I think the Vice-Admiral's just set up an elaborate hoax to cover his ass when his grandson inevitably escapes."

Tashigi opened her mouth again, but Smoker interrupted her smoothly as he looked over the buffet table.

"As to why we're here... It's to keep an eye on Strawhat and company, and be ready to contain the damage that will inevitably erupt. Our first priority is people's lives. Let Garp handle the pirates. If he wants to take the heat for this thing, we'll let him."

"Um, that's not what I was going to ask, sir," Tashigi said.

"Then what?" Smoker asked.

"... Do I really have to wear something this revealing?" Tashigi demanded, indicating the very low cut blue dress she wore. A slit ran up to her thighs, the back was cut down nearly to her backside and the straps on her shoulders were barely there.

Smoker stared at her for a long moment, dressed in his usual: A jacket, jeans, gloves, boots, jutte, bandolier and nothing else.

"Yes."

Tashigi sighed. "Yes sir."

* * *

"Ace!" Luffy said happily as he spied the familiar face underneath the cloak. Ace held a finger up to his lips.

"Shhh... Luffy! I'm surprised at you!" Ace grinned. "You didn't even ask me to be the best man?"

"Well, Sogeking asked first, and he's like a superhero!" Luffy said enthusiastically. Sogeking posed, his cape waving in a breeze that kicked up out of nowhere.

"Indeed! No hard feelings, as we are both here to fight for LOVE'S SAKE!" Sogeking cried, posing dramatically. Ace stared for a moment, before he burst out laughing.

"Hahahahaha! You're right! Can't compete with that!" He wiped his face and chuckled. "Ah well... Mind if I sit in the back though?"

"Eh? Why?" Luffy asked, tilting his head.

"Closest seats to the banquet tables," Ace said with a grin.

Zoro sighed. "They're brothers all right."

"One's just better spoken," Coby moaned.

"Damnit man, put on a shirt or something!" Helmeppo squawked.

* * *

"Is it me, or are there a lot of people wearing cloaks in this wedding?" Chopper wondered aloud from where Franky was standing by the banquet tables.

"Your imagination," said one such individual, munching on some ham as he went by.

"Oh, okay," Chopper said, smiling as he held the pillow with the rings on it. "I was worried that there'd be-BWAH!" He jumped, and the rings went sailing off... Into the hand of the mysterious man.

"Here, hold onto these," he said in a gravelly voice as he handed the rings back to the small human-reindeer. "Don't want to spoil everything for your captain, do you?"

"N-No! Thanks!" Chopper said with a smile.

"Good, zehahaha," he said as he headed off with a grin. Chopper watched him go and hummed.

"I wonder who that was..."

* * *

"Damn you mosshead," Sanji growled from the front row, as the seats began to fill up. "I should be a groomsman!"

"You're the cook, as crappy as your food is," Zoro grumbled. "And it wasn't up to me!"

"STILL!" Sanji growled. "When you're a groomsman, you get to walk one of the beautiful bridesmaids down the aisle! I COULD HAVE WALKED THE BEAUTIFUL ROBIN OR NOJIKO DOWN THE AISLE!" He sobbed bitterly. "But no! Cruel fate chose you, ya asexual bastard!"

"Fate didn't choose me, Garp did!" Zoro growled. "And who are you calling asexual? LUFFY'S the one who's asexual!"

"HE'S THE ONE GETTING MARRIED MOSSHEAD!"

"SHITTY COOK!"

"Huh," Ace said dryly as he looked over at his little brother. "How long have they been married?"

"THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE YOU BASTARD!" They bellowed at him.

"He raises a good point though," Garp said. "We need another bridesmaid." He looked into the crowd, mostly Marines there for "security", but also several "guests" of various reputation. He locked onto Smoker's pretty second in command-Tashigi, wasn't it?

"Hey! Officer Tashigi!" Garp barked. "Get up here! We're short a bridesmaid!"

"Ah? Me? B-B-But-!"

"Get up there Tashigi," growled Smoker. The swordswoman rose, blushing furiously, and walked up to join the groom's party at the back of aisle. Zoro stared at her, Coby blushed, Helmeppo was openly drooling and Luffy and Ace just smiled.

"Um, hello again," she said. Oh God this is awkward...

"Hi! You're that nice Marine lady! Nice of you to make it!" Luffy said cheerfully. He waved. "HEY SMOKEY GUY!"

"Don't call him that!" Tashigi growled, as Smoker facepalmed. She then glared at Zoro. "What are you looking at, Pirate Hunter Zoro?"

"Nothing!" Zoro said quickly, averting his eyes. Sanji sighed as he rose and took Tashigi's hand.

"Oh, what a vision of loveliness before me!" He crooned, bringing his lips to her hand. "My lady Marine, you are a vision of justice no man could resist!" He looked up at her with a roguish wink. "Please, allow me to be your pirate prey so that I might steal away your heart!"

"Ah?" Tashigi was turning bright red. Really, even if he was a pirate it was incredibly flattering...

"Back off shitty cook!" Zoro growled, a sword out and leveled at Sanji. Sanji growled and glared death at the Pirate Hunter.

"Who are you to become between me and my love?"

"Common sense for one! She's a Marine you idiot!"

"So? You saying she's not lovely?" Sanji gasped. "Or maybe..." And here the cook smirked. "Maybe you do have a heart in there somewhere."

"What?" Zoro growled, his cheeks burning red. "Shut up! It's not like that you bastard! You're going to get us killed!"

"Hey, don't I have a say in this?" Tashigi asked, affronted.

"NOBODY ASKED YOU!" Zoro growled. Tashigi growled back and drew her sword. Zoro growled and drew all three of his own. Sanji gasped.

"You bum! You'd fight a woman?" Sanji gasped.

"I've been wanting to cross blades with you since we met, Pirate Hunter!" Tashigi snarled. "I'm going to carve you up like a turkey!"

"And I'm gonna make that dress a little more revealing!" Zoro growled back.

"Wh-What?"

"I-I mean I'm going to kill you! A lot!" Zoro sputtered.

"GO FOR IT ZORO!" Sanji cheered. "YOU'RE MY HERO MOSSHEAD!"

"SHUT UP YOU PERVERT!"

Smoker abruptly appeared in front of them in a cloud of smoke, and glared at his subordinate and the pirates. "We got a problem here?"

"Ah... No, no sir," Tashigi said quickly, sheathing her blade but still shooting Zoro a dirty look. Zoro hesitated, and slowly sheathed his blades as well.

Smoker nodded, and walked over to where Luffy was waiting at the podium with Ace and Sogeking. "Good. Make up with your boyfriend Tashigi, this is a very tense situation."

"He's not my boyfriend!" Tashigi protested.

"Whatever."

* * *

The wedding party was properly organized, and as the music started courtesy of the Marine Standard Issue Organ player, they walked down the aisle. Zoro and Tashigi were paired up, and they shot dirty looks at each other the whole way down. Coby escorted Robin, the young chief petty officer blushing furiously as the dusky woman just smiled. And Sanji escorted Nojiko, as Helmeppo had mysteriously ended up kicked into an unconscious pile.

Chopper scurried up the aisle with the rings, and Franky (despite being told otherwise) pranced up the aisle while firing flowers from his arm cannons into the air. Everyone would later agree the display was almost as horrifying as when Admiral Kizaru forgot his pants for an entire day and literally flashed most of the Marine bases along the Grand Line.

Luffy waited, staring intently at the cake, as Sogeking stood stoically by his side, and Garp checked his watch.

At last, Nami emerged from the tent with Genzo on her arm... And Luffy's eyes, much to the shock of everyone, were fixed solely on his bride. She locked eyes with him, blushed, and smiled. He smiled back, looking suddenly nervous and goofy.

"Er... Is she supposed to have that glow?" Luffy asked.

"Oh yes she is," Sanji sighed, clasping his hands together.

"It is the shine of love that makes her so lovely, Captain Luffy!" Sogeking intoned dramatically. "Cherish it and her to the end of your days!"

"I officially like looking at Nami more than food and shiny things," Luffy sniffled with manly tears.

"AH! HE'S SICK!" Chopper cried. "SOMEONE CALL A DOCTOR!"

"You ARE a doctor!" The entire wedding party (and much of the audience) cried.

"Oh yeah!"

Genzo and Nami reached the podium, and Genzo handed the women he held a dear as his own daughter to Luffy. The rubber man smiled goofily at Nami, and she smiled back, just as nervous and excited as him.

They looked forward at the podium... Only to realize there was nobody there.

"Eh? Aren't you supposed to have a priest?" Luffy asked, scratching his head.

"Where's the priest?" Nami cried.

All eyes turned to Garp, who had woken up. He blinked, and scratched his head.

"... Knew I forgot something."

"YOU IDIOT!" Nami shrieked, as pretty much everyone fell over.

"Garp the Hero indeed," muttered Buggy.

"I can't believe this, such poor planning! That's what happens when you leave this sort of thing up to men," Alvida sniffed.

"HEY! IS ANYONE HERE A PRIEST?" Luffy shouted.

"Zeehahahahaha... No, but you will accept your final judgment anyway!" Laughed that great hulking cloaked figure Chopper had talked to earlier. He rose, and threw off his cloak revealing himself to be none other than-

"BLACKBEARD!" Gasped Tashigi. Marshall D. Teach, better known as Blackbead, laughed as the rest of his crew revealed themselves.

"Fate has smiled upon me this day," the infamous captain laughed. "For it has handed me not only Monkey D. Luffy, but his brother Ace!" He grinned. "Hey! You Marines! You want both their heads, don't you? Well I'm going to deliver them to you, along with Monkey's pretty little bride!"

"What? You bastard!" Luffy bellowed, shaking his fist.

"You're not laying a hand on Nami-swan!" Sanji shouted.

"You're not going to lay a hand on my little brother or his wife!" Ace growled, his cloak burning away as he activated his powers.

"INDEED! I WILL BE DOING THE LAYING OF HANDS!" Buggy shouted, throwing off his own disguise and rising with his own pirates. "Monkey D. Luffy is MINE!"

"Zeehahahahaha! Fool! You're just a big nosed paramecia, what could you possibly do to me?" Blackbeard laughed. Buggy's eyes flashed red.

"WHAT THE FLASH ARE YOU SAYING ABOUT MY NOSE YOU FAT BASTARD?"

"Oh just great," Nami sighed. "Who's next, Eneru?"

"That'd actually be kind of cool," Luffy said. "OW!"

"NO IT WOULDN'T!"

"Yes dear."

"Ohohoh, well trained already," Robin laughed.

Smoker rose, his jutte ready. "Nobody do anything stupid," Smoker growled. "You're surrounded on all sides by Marines, and right now I'm inclined to side with the bride and groom."

"Hey thanks Smoke Guy!"

"That's Smoker, Strawhat!"

"Thanks Smoke Guy!"

Smoker growled and glared at the bride and groom, before regaining his composure and returning his gaze to the hostile pirates. Blackbeard laughed again.

"Zeehahahahaha! Oh, this is going to be good," he said. "You want a fight, you got one! It'll just make things more enjoyable!"

"I'll try to make your death as painless as possible," Ace growled, "but I can't make any promises."

"MEN! And Alvida. KILL THE FAT BASTARD FIRST!" Buggy snarled. "We'll save Strawhat for later!"

"Three against one? This'll be fun, zeehahaahahahaha!" Blackbeard cackled.

"Hey! It's four against one, you jerk!" Luffy shouted. "GUM GUM-!"

Garp punched his grandson in the head as he rose, and cracked his knuckles. "Damage that suit and I'll kill you."

"But Grandpa-!"

"No buts!"

"Awww!"

Before a fight could break out, there was a commotion behind the stage the podium was sitting on. A moment later, a massive pirate ship bearing the symbol of the Red-Haired Pirates upon its sail crashed through the backdrop. The Marines screamed and many a weapon was raised as a familiar figure jumped off the prow and landed on the stage.

"SHANKS?" Screamed Buggy. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE YOU BASTARD?"

"Hey Luffy!" Shanks said with a broad grin. "Sorry I'm late, we had to take some detours!"

"SHANKS!" Luffy grinned. "Hey! It's been forever! Oh, this is Nami! We're getting married!"

"I heard!" Shanks laughed. Nami's jaw dropped to the ground.

"Luffy? You know Redhaired Shanks?"

"Yeah! He inspired me to become a pirate!" Luffy laughed. Shanks grinned and took Nami's hand. He bent his head and kissed her hand.

"I'm glad to make your acquaintance," He said with a warm smile. Nami flushed brightly, and quickly turned away.

"I'm getting married, I'm getting married, I'm getting married..."

"Shanks?" Tashigi gasped. Shanks grinned at Tashigi and nodded politely.

"Hey! You're cute!" He nodded to the rest of the Strawhats in turn, shaking hands, laughing... All the while Garp and Smoker stared in disbelief, Blackbeard gulped and tried to sneak off with his crew, and Buggy charged up the aisle.

"SHANKS! YOU BASTARD! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"Oh, hey Buggy! Long time no see! You're looking well," Shanks said with a smile.

"DON'T USE THAT 'LONG TIME NO SEE' CRAP ON ME! Why are you here?"

"Well, to attend Luffy's wedding of course," Shanks laughed. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to kill that rubber bastard!"

"Good for you!" Shanks said cheerfully.

"DON'T JUST BRUSH IT OFF!" Buggy ranted.

"Oh, and I brought some guests along too!" Shanks said cheerfully. Luffy grinned while Nami blinked.

"Guests?"

"Hi Nami!"

Nami's eyes widened as Princess Vivi of Alabasta jumped off the ship and landed on the stage in her high heels. Following her was Kureha from Sakura Island, who cackled as Chopper gasped.

"Doctorina!"

"Chopper! Good to see you!"

"Vivi!" Nami gasped. Luffy laughed and waved.

"Hi Vivi!"

"VIVI MY LOVE!" Sanji cried, as Nojiko rolled her eyes.

"I'm getting more than a little confused," Franky said. Robin laughed and patted the cyborg's arm.

"You get used to it..."

The princess ran up and hugged both bride and groom. There was a great deal of laughing (and some crying, but you'd have to excuse Sogeking for that) before an important problem reared it's head.

"Won't you get in huge trouble for being here?" Nami asked worriedly.

"Oh no," Vivi said cheerfully, "I'm a hostage!"

"What," Nami and Luffy both said.

"Yep. Shanks just up and kidnapped me," Vivi said. She sighed as she covered her cheeks. "Isn't he dashing?"

"Ew," Luffy muttered. Nami coughed.

"Ah, well... I guess that's okay. We're kind of hostages ourselves..."

"That's no way to talk about marriage, Nami!"

"I MEANT OF THE MARINES!"

"Oh, right..."

"So! Where's the priest?" Shanks asked cheerfully. Garp cleared his throat.

"He, uh, couldn't make it..."

Coby, petrified, managed to stutter in the affirmative to assist with the lie. Shanks smiled.

"You forgot him didn't you?"

"NO I DIDN'T!" Garp bellowed.

"He did," Dragon confirmed by the banquet table.

"NOBODY ASKED YOU!" Garp shouted at his son.

"Well, it just so happens I have an ordained priest with me who could sort this out," Shanks said with a smile.

"A pirate?" Garp snarled. "NO PIRATE WILL BE MARRYING MY GRANDSON!"

"Ah, but he is one of the Seven Warlords," Shanks said with a smile. He turned and looked up at his ship. "MIHAWK! COME DOWN!"

Zoro and Tashigi started. "He can't possibly mean..."

Dracule Mihawk, the most feared swordsman in the world, appeared with a Bible in hand. He sighed as he looked at Shanks with a weary expression.

"How do I let you talk me into these things?" He asked his old friend.

"Just think of the after party!" Shanks said with a bright grin. Mihawk nodded.

"Fair enough. Let's get this show on the road."

"Nothing makes sense anymore..." Tashigi moaned, covering her head. Zoro groaned next to her.

"Welcome to my life..."

"Why didn't I just call a priest," Garp sighed.

"Now," Shanks called, looking around at all the Marines and pirates, "if everyone could just hold off on the fighting long enough for these two to get married, I'd greatly appreciate it."

Blackbeard, unable to escape with his crew, reluctantly nodded and sat down. Smoker and Ace slowly followed suit, and Alvida dragged the protesting Buggy back to his seat. Nami looked over at Luffy, who grinned back at her.

"Isn't this awesome, Nami?"

"Yes... I suppose it is at that," Nami sighed. "But now our escape is practically impossible..."

"Nah! Don't worry about a thing," Luffy said. He took her hands and looked her in the eyes. "We'll get out, all of us! I promise."

"You do?"

Luffy seemed older and more handsome than his years as he nodded back. "I do."

"Oh Luffy... URK!" She started and looked to her side as Mihawk glared down at them.

"I haven't even started yet," he said, looking almost offended. "I'm the one conducting the ceremony, not you."

"Then what the hell are you waiting for? Go!" Nami shouted.

Mihawk opened his Bible and cleared his throat. "... Do you?"

"Uh?" Nami asked.

"Do you? Want to get married?" Mihawk asked, sounding almost annoyed.

"... Yes!" Nami said, exasperated.

"Do you?" He asked Luffy.

"Yeah!"

"Good. You're married. Kiss," Mihawk said, shutting his Bible. The entire congregation (Blackbeard and his pirates included) fell over. Nami was the first back up.

"WHAT THE HELL? THAT'S IT?" Nami shrieked.

"Yeah! Cake time!" Luffy cheered. "OW!" He looked at Nami with a smile as he rubbed the bump on his head from her latest blow. "But Nami, it is!"

"All the better!" Blackbeard said with a smirk. "Zeehahahahaha, I'll have that brat now! DARKNESS-!"

"WAIT!" Shanks shouted, holding his hand up. "They haven't kissed yet!"

"So?"

"So they're not married," Shanks said patiently. "When they're married, the fireworks can begin. But until then," and here Shanks stared intently at Blackbeard, "stay. Put."

"Hrmph," Blackbeard grunted. "Very well." He glared at the couple. "Get this over with!"

"Remember to give her plenty of tongue, Luffy!" Ace suggested.

"DON'T BE SO SHAMELESS!" Buggy yelled. "Make it a quick one, Strawhat, I'm killing you!"

"Oh, why, why, why must he be the one to claim Nami-swan's lips?" Sanji lamented.

"Take as long as you need," Shanks said.

"I'm hitting the booze now, doesn't matter to me if you smooch," Kureha said, walking up the aisle.

"Damn you all!" Garp snarled. "I JUST WANTED A NICE SIMPLE WEDDING!"

"THEN WHY THE HELL DID YOU INVITE PIRATES?" Tashigi screamed.

Nami trembled, clenched her fists, took a deep breath...

"EVERYONE SHUT THE HELL UP!" She screamed. Absolute silence fell, and Nami was conscious of every eye there on her. She trembled... And then she felt Luffy take her hand in his. His other hand touched her cheek and turned her to face him. He smiled and pressed his lips to hers.

Shocked, she kissed him back hesitantly for a moment... Before Luffy pulled back with a bright smile.

"Okay! Go for it!" Luffy shouted.

And the wedding promptly dissolved into absolute chaos.

* * *

_Yep. That didn't take long at all, did it? Ah well, hope you're enjoying it.  
_


	8. The Wedding Part 3

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

_Set right after Enies Lobby..._

* * *

The battle raged around the Strawhats as, in a tight wedge, they ran down the center of the aisle. Bullets, swords, darts, rubber bands, fists, feet, bombs-They all flashed by as Luffy led the way, holding Nami's hand.

"Woo hoo! Hahahahaha!" Luffy laughed. "Best wedding everrr!"

"Let's get the hell out of here! Go go go go go!" Nami screamed.

"Ah? But we almost forgot-" Luffy dodged a punch thrown by a Marine, and belted him into the stratosphere, "the cake!"

"AND?" Sanji shouted. "WHAT ELSE DID YOU FORGET?" He took the time to kick a pirate from had been swinging for Nojiko away. The blue haired woman, contrary to her sister, looked to be enjoying herself as she held Sanji's hand.

"Oh! Right! Bouquet and garter toss!" Luffy said cheerfully.

"What?" Nami gasped.

"NOW IS NOT THE TIME YOU IDIOT!" Zoro shouted, fighting off Tashigi furiously.

"YOU'RE GOING DOWN PIRATE HUNTER!"

"BRING IT ON FOUR EYES!"

"DAMNIT ZORO! THAT'S NO WAY TO SPEAK TO A LADY!" Sanji cried.

"Damnit Luffy we've got to get out of here!" Nami cried. "We don't have time for this!"

"HEY YOU! FRANKY!" Shouted Jesus Burgess, as he pounded his chest. "FIGHT ME!" He sneered at Sanji. "OR YOU, BLACK FOOT! COME ON, FIGHT ME! ALL AT ONCE, ALL AT THE SAME TIME!"

"ORA! YOU CAN'T SCARE ME! FRANKY, SUPER CYBORG!" Franky bellowed back, shaking his fist.

"BAH! YOU ARE PATHETIC, METAL MAN! YOU CAN'T SMELL WHAT I'M COOKING! IT'S YOUR DOOM!" Jesus cackled.

"FOOL! YOU DEAL WITH THE METAL MAN WITH THE HOTTEST BLOOD EVER!" Franky shouted back, posing dramatically as his eyes flashed. "THE HOPES OF MEN ARE CARRIED ON MY BACK!"

"YOU AIN'T NO GURREN LAGANN, SON! NOT FROM WHERE I'M COMING FROM! AND EVEN IF YOU WERE, IT DON'T MEAN A DAMN THING TO THIS MAN!" Jesus taunted.

"They're not even fighting, they're just yelling at each other!" Chopper gasped.

"Yes! They exercise in the truest fight between two champions!" Sogeking said dramatically, "to break each other's spirits through verbal combat!"

"Incredible!" Chopper gasped, tears coming to his eyes. "To stand and fight in such a way even in the midst of a huge battle!"

"Truly this is a sport for men!" Sogeking sobbed.

"Truly!" Chopper sobbed with him.

"Idiots!" Nami screamed.

"But Namiiii... It's tradition!" Luffy whined, as Franky trash talked Jesus with equal aplomb. "Besides, I can't really cut loose in this suit or Grandpa will kill me!"

Nami scowled.

"What about us? We might die!"

"So? How is that different from any other time?" Luffy asked. He grinned. "Besides, I'm gonna be Pirate King, remember? It'll be fine!" Nami stared at him for a while, before she sighed and slowly nodded.

"All right..." She narrowed her eyes. "But we're doing this my way."

"HURRY IT UP WILL YOU?" Zoro shouted. He glared at the rest of his comrades as he locked blades with Tashigi. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO HELP OR ANYTHING!"

"Okay, we won't!" Chopper said.

"You've got it under control!" Sogeking said.

"It's marvelous you've found someone, Zoro," Robin said with a smile, negligently choking a Marine who tried to brain her from behind.

"I HATE YOU ALL!"

"Hahahaha!" Alvida cackled as she slipped through several Marines to get right up to the Strawhats. "Looks like I get here first," she said, holding her mace over her head. "So terribly sorry but it's time to say goodbye, dearie. But for what it's worth, you picked a good husband." She grinned. "And he'll make an even better widower!"

"Nami!" Luffy shouted.

Nami took out her Perfect Climatact, and spun it up as she held her bouquet over her head. She smirked.

"Don't you want to catch the bouquet first, at least?" She asked. Alvida blinked and smiled.

"Oh yes! Of course!"

"HEY EVERYONE!" Nami shouted. "I'M THROWING _THE BOUQUET!"_

That got a lot of attention and Nami grinned.

**"CYCLONE TEMPO!"**

She let loose a blast of wind, and thanks to the dial's properties it surrounded the bouquet and fired it off like a missile. Alvida raised her hands.

"I've got it, I've got it, I've-!" The bouquet slipped right through her hands, leaving Alvida gaping at her empty grasp. "Ah... It... DAMNIT!" She raged, just before a series of lightning strikes connected and sent her flying into the crowd. Nami smirked.

"I figured that anything that was going fast enough at you would slip off!" She called. She raised her Climatact sections up. "Now, here we go!" She steered the bouquet whirlwind through the crowd, blowing away Marines and pirates alike.

"COOL!" Luffy said with a grin. Nami's eyes then widened as the whirlwind headed for the banquet tables.

"Crap crap crap, come on, shift...!"

The bouquet shot right for Kureha, who was digging into a plate of beef alongside a man with strange tattoos on his face. She sniffed, and swung her legs around. "I'm far too young for marriage!" She declared, and kicked the cyclone back the other way.

"How the hell did she do that?" Nami gasped.

Vivi, taking down a pirate with a Peacock Slasher, looked up as she saw the bouquet flying. "Oh! It's mine!" She looked across the battle at Zoro, blushed, and adopted a determined expression. "**PEACOCK SLASHER**!"

Nami's eyes widened. "WAIT VIVI! DON'T-!"

The Peacock slasher connected, and yanked Vivi into the wind.

"UWAAAAHHH!" The Princess of Alabasta flew over the chaos, caught up in the whirlwind. Below, Captain Hina of the Marines looked up and scowled.

"Hey! Hina wants to catch the bouquet!" She cried. She jumped up and threw her arm around the cyclone. She grinned as it stretched and enclosed around the cyclone... Which kept going while the bouquet popped out. "Wha-AH!"

Vivi slammed into the Captain and they both went down, allowing the bouquet to tumble through the air practically right back where it came from. Finally, it tumbled into a landing in between Tashigi's arms.

"Ah?" The blue haired woman paused her attack on Zoro to look down. She blushed brightly, and shyly looked up at Zoro. The green haired swordswoman cringed even as he too blushed.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME FOR?" Zoro demanded. Tashigi looked over at Shanks, who was chatting amicably with Mihawk while drinking beer right in the middle of pitched combat. "AND WHY ARE YOU STARING AT HIM NOW?"

"I CAN LOOK AT ANYONE I WANT!" Tashigi shouted.

"This will be the first time he's ever touched a woman. Be gentle," Sanji said with a grin.

"SHUT UP!" Zoro and Tashigi bellowed.

"All right! MY TURN!" Luffy said with a broad grin. Nami lifted her skirts up, and Luffy kneeled down. He slid his hands up Nami's leg. She squeaked and her cheeks burned bright red.

"LUFFY! That's too high!" Nami cried, smacking him.

"Ow! Gotcha!" He stood back up with the garter in hand and a grin. He (carefully) twisted himself around on his waist, and coiled his arm.** "GUM GUM... GARTER THROW!"**

He released the tension, spinning into a blur, before he released the garter. Due to the sheer speed of it's acceleration, impossibly the garter was flung through the air so fast it bounced-Off of the heads of Marines and pirates alike.

When it shot for Shanks, he merely ducked and let it fly by. Buggy saw it coming and paused his fight with Blackbeard.

"It's mine! IN YOUR FACE, SHANKS-URK!" The garter shattered Buggy into pieces and continued on it's way. "Wh-Why...?'

"Zeehahahahahaha!" Blackbeard cackled. "How pathetic, Big Nose!"

"SHUT YOUR FLASHING MOUTH YOU FLASHING FATASS!" Buggy screamed, somehow getting a knife into every piece of himself and charging for Blackbeard.

"I'M NOT A FATASS, BIG NOSE!" Blackbeard roared, letting loose his darkness powers. Still, Buggy fought on furiously.

_"FATASS!"_

_"BIG NOSE!"_

_"FATASS!"_

_"BIG NOSE!"_

"Wow... Quite the petty fight," Ace commented at the banquet table. Smoker joined him, drinking some beer and hitting any pirate or marine that got too close to the civilians clustered around the food.

"They're so sensitive," the Marine captain said. "You may be a stinking pirate, but at least you're not _that_ bad."

"Thanks! I think," Ace said cheerfully.

"Pass the curry, if you please," Genzo said. Smoker blinked.

"How'd you get through all of that?"

"Went around," Genzo said cheerfully.

Smoker shrugged. "Fair enough."

Coby, having been forgotten from the start of the fight, now stood upon the podium with fire in his eyes. Helmeppo, recently recovered, had charged in to help his friend.

"COBY! GET DOWN!" Helmeppo shouted. "YOU FOOL! GET DOWN, YOU'RE GOING TO BE KILLED!"

Coby sucked in a deep breath, and grinned. "Helmeppo," he said, "I'm gonna catch that garter."

"WHAT?" Helmeppo gasped, as the garter flew through several Marines and blasted them all into the air. "YOU'LL DIE!"

"Helmeppo," Coby said with a smile, "I need to prove myself a worthy rival to the future Pirate King." He clenched his fists. "I can't do that if I run and hide!" He grinned. "Because Luffy's gonna come to my wedding, and he's _not_ gonna be _my best man_!"

Helmeppo stared up in awe, manly tears pouring from his eyes. "C-Coby..." He sniffled. "You're an inspiration!"

The garter was now heading right for Coby. The young chief petty officer steeled himself, gathered his power...

**"SORU..."** He kicked off the podium, leaving it shattered in the wake of his flight. "**GARTER...!"** He reached out with both hands. **"CAT-!"**

_BOOM!_ The garter connected with Coby, and sent him flying back at incredible speed... Right into the Redhaired Pirates' ship and through its hull.

"NOOOOOOOO!" Helmeppo screamed. "_COBYYYYYY_!"

The dust slowly settled, silence falling over the battlefield as everyone looked up. There was nothing for a long moment... And then Coby pulled himself out of the hole in the side of the ship. Panting for breath, he grinned and held up the garter.

"I... _GOT IT!"_ Coby shouted.

Silence, and then... Shanks began to clap his hand against his thigh. Others followed, as did cheers and whoops.

"COBYYYYY!" Helmeppo sobbed, falling to his knees.

"Heh... Maybe I should kill that kid, make sure he doesn't make trouble for me in the future," Blackbeard said with a grin. He took a fist to the face. "BWAH?"

"STOP IGNORING ME YOU FLASHY BASTARD!" Buggy screamed.

"Oh my," Tashigi said with a smile. "That young man..." She turned back to resume striking Zoro. "Pirate Hunter! You will pay for... For..." She stared in disbelief at the backs of the Strawhat Pirates, who were even now running for their lives. "HEY! GET BACK HERE!" She leaped over the groaning form of Jesus Burgess and ran after them.

"So Nojiko, my darling," Sanji said to his lovely companion,"would you set fire to my soul and accompany us on our heroic journey?" He winked at Nojiko, who smiled and laughed.

"I'd love to... But who would tend my tangerines? Or take care of Genzo?" She shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry, but I have to decline. Take care of everyone though, won't you Sanji-kun~?" She leaned over to kiss his cheek, and Sanji's eyes exploded into hearts.

"Hee... Haaha... N-NO PROBLEM MY LOVE~!" Sanji cried, scooping her up in his arms and swinging her around.

"SANJI! STOP SCREWING AROUND! WE'RE TRYING TO ESCAPE!" Zoro snarled. Sanji growled.

"Asexual bastard! You lose your heart when Mihawk sliced you open?"

"DAMNIT SANJI GET MY SISTER OUT OF HERE SO WE CAN GO!" Nami bellowed.

"You heard the lady," Nojiko said impishly. Sanji grinned.

"As you wish, my lady! Sit on my leg, please."

"SANJI, WE DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THAT!" Franky shouted. Nojiko playfully straddled his leg, nearly making Sanji nosebleed with her wink and smile. But he nevertheless was able to spin up, and gently toss her over to the buffet table. "HEY, SMOKER! CATCH!"

"EEEEEE-OOF!" Nojiko landed in a pillow of smoke, and was set gently on the ground. She smiled and waved, even as Smoker sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose irritably. Ace patted him on the shoulder.

"That's not helping," Smoker growled.

"Sorry."

As the Strawhats resumed running, Tashigi broke through a group of pirates (and Marines, she was sorry to say) and sprinted across the grass to catch up.

_Everybody else is occupied with the other pirates!_ Tashigi thought. _It's up to me to stop them! Even if it is their wedding day, I can't let them escape without at least a good showing!_

A tall form stepped in front of the retreating Strawhats, wearing a cloak. Tashigi skidded to a halt as she felt a strong Haki, and gasped as she looked up into the face of the grinning man.

"M-M-Monkey D. Dragon!" She cried.

"Eh?" Luffy skidded to a halt and looked back. "Dad?"

"What?" Nami gasped. "_That's_ your dad?"

Dragon grinned down at Tashigi, and then looked over his shoulder. "Luffy... Consider this my wedding present," he said. "And take care."

"I... I..." Luffy grinned back at his father, and waved. "I will, Dad! I will!"

"Also, make me a grandpa soon," Dragon said. He grinned at Nami. "You look like you've got nice child bearing hips."

"I... It... Thanks?" Nami managed.

"Might be all the extra snacks she puts away," Chopper mused.

"SHUT UP!" Nami snarled.

"Less talking, more running! STRAWHATS, HOOOO!" Franky bellowed. Luffy laughed and waved goodbye with his right hand, while his left held onto Nami's. The redhead found herself crying as she ran.

_Why did I have to marry into such a weird family?_ She asked, but she couldn't help a smile at Luffy's happy grin.

* * *

Garp yawned, stretched, and blinked.

"Hm... Nice nap..." He mumbled. His eyes then widened as he saw that the Redhaired Pirates' ship was gone. "Ah? How long was I out?"

He stood up and turned around. Numerous pirates were all in chains, including a screaming Buggy. The Blackbeards, however, were gone. He narrowed his eyes as Coby and Helmeppo approached.

"Sir, the Redhaired, Strawhats and Blackbeards have escaped, as did most of the Buggy pirates," Helmeppo reported.

"I see," Garp said. He didn't bother asking about Dragon-His son could escape quite easily. He sighed. "Casualties?"

"Fifty injured, no fatalities," Coby reported with a smile. He held up a garter. "And I caught the garter!"

"Good for you!" Garp boomed. "Now, what lucky young lady caught the bouquet?"

There was silence for a moment, before someone cleared their throat. The three men turned to see Tashigi, her dress wrecked, awkwardly holding the bouquet.

"Ummmm..."

"I see," Garp said. "Bwahahahaha! Looks like you get to put it back on her!"

"Ah? Me?" Coby gasped, red faced. Tashigi too blushed. She smiled a bit and took hold of the hem of her dress. She pulled it up over her long legs.

"Well... Um... By all means, Chief Petty Officer," she said with a smile. "Do your duty."

Coby smiled, nodded... And fainted due to a nosebleed. Garp sighed as he facepalmed.

"Still a lot of work to do with this one..."

* * *

The _Thousand Sunny_had managed to escape (with the added passenger of Ussop, who had begged from the shoreline for the chance to rejoin them and had been pulled along), and now sailed the seas bound for adventure elsewhere along the Grand Line. They'd escaped the Marines for now, but after Enies Lobby all of them were wanted pirates. And in the New World there would be dangers nobody could possibly predict, in the form of men, animals, monsters, weather, or some combination thereof they couldn't imagine.

And Nami was terrified over precisely none of that.

She sat on her bed, still in her wedding dress, twiddling her fingers. Luffy sat next to her, kicking his feet back and forth. They sat there in silence.

"... Is this really what people do on their honeymoon?" Luffy complained. "I'd much rather kiss you and do other stuff to you!"

"No! Well, yes, I... Um..." Nami rubbed her hands together. "I'm just... Trying to figure out how to go about it..." She looked up at him, and bit her lower lip.

"You have... Any ideas?"

"Well... I got some advice from Grandpa," Luffy said with a hum. Nami nodded.

"Oh?" _Okay... Okay... Maybe if I let him... Take charge,_ and she flushed deeply at this idea, _this will make it easier._

"Yeah!" Luffy said cheerfully. "I'll go get ready!" He ran into the head adjacent the cabin, and Nami sucked in a deep breath.

_Okay... Okay... It's okay, you can do this,_she thought. She kneeled down onto the deck and looked under her bed. It may have seemed a bit childish to hide things underneath the bed, but who was going to steal it? Nobody else on the crew had a reason to do so.

... And looking it over, she didn't see how anyone else could have a reason to steal it either. Still, given Luffy's mindset, it might make this easier. Despite how she acted, she'd never... With anyone before. She knew the mechanics, of course. She understood it, knew how to use sexuality as a weapon or a tool but this...! She felt like a little girl again, scared and frightened and alone...

She took a deep breath, and slipped off her wedding dress. She could do this...

* * *

Luffy finished the last touches to his face, and checked himself in the mirror. As instructed by his grandfather, he was shirtless. He puffed up his muscles a bit to make himself look bigger, and flexed. He nodded approvingly.

In all honesty, Luffy was feeling a bit nervous. He relied on his crew for so much, and he cared for them all so much... And Nami... He never wanted to make her cry. He never wanted to hurt her, but Sanji and his grandpa had said over and over again that it was easy for men to make women cry even if they didn't mean it!

"Oi!" He said to his reflection in the mirror, glowering at it. "You're not going to make Nami cry! Okay? Okay!" He nodded to himself. That would be the end of that! He just wouldn't do it!

... If he did though, he'd let her hit him repeatedly for it. That seemed to make her feel better, and he kind of liked it now...

"Nami! I'm coming out!" Luffy called.

"Just a moment!" Nami called back. Luffy waited impatiently, tapping his foot on the tiled floor. "Okay!"

"Right!" Luffy opened the hatch, and strode forward dramatically. He stopped short when he saw Nami.

She was wearing... A dress. A very _tiny_dress, colored blue, that showed off her neck and the tops of her breasts. She wore blue stockings and held a plastic wand. Around her eyes was pink glitter, and on her back were wings. She also wore the most ridiculous pair of horns on her head that glowed neon pink.

"I... Am the Bondage Fairy!" She said in a low tone that usually made Luffy stiffen in many... Different ways. She giggled. "And I'm here to grant you any wish you want!"

Then she got a good look at him and not wanting his grandpa's instruction to go to waste, he cleared his throat, and flexed his muscles manfully... As his "manly mustache" bristled.

"Ar! Prepare yourself wench, for yer booty's about to be bruised!" He growled.

They stared at each other in total silence for several seconds... Before Nami's face twitched. Luffy's twitched back.

"Pfffthahahahahahahaha!" Nami laughed, holding a hand to the side of her face as she bent over. And that was it for Luffy.

"Shihahahahahahahaha! Shihahahahahahaha!" Luffy guffawed, falling over and rolling back and forth on the deck. Nami fell over, landing on top of him as she cried tears of mirth, and Luffy joined her as he hugged her tightly against him to keep her from hurting herself.

They finally stopped laughing, and panted as they stared at each other. Nami chuckled softly, and nuzzled Luffy.

"I... I feel a lot better," Nami admitted with a snicker. Luffy nodded and hugged her.

"I made you cry... Sorry," he said.

"It's fine," Nami admitted, kissing him gently. "Mm... These tears I don't mind."

Luffy grinned back at her. Nami smiled back, and resumed the kiss.

* * *

_Outside..._

Franky towered over Nico Robin, but despite his advantage in height, the fact that hands and arms had popped up all along the backs of his own mechanical arms and legs and had him locked up in something like a full-nelson did little to add to his intimidation factor.

He groused, "OI! Nico Robin: Let us in! We want to watch!"

Robin, whose hands were gracefully crossed across her chest smiled serenely at the cyborg and shook her head.

"For crying out- aren't you watchin' them right now?" Franky roared.

Robin replied with a simple, "Yes."

"DO YOU SEE HOW EASILY SHE ADMITS IT?" Franky cried out.

"Shut up. Just give them some privacy." Zorro muttered, leaning against a wall. He didn't have much of a choice as far as position went, since Nico Robin's arms had also sprouted form that wall and were holding him fast. Admittedly there seemed to be a couple of extra hands that weren't so much holding him as running the fingertips up and down his stomach and chest under his shirt. He decided she was probably trying to tickle him into submission. Those fingers running up his ass weren't going to have much luck either.

"We should stop them!" Sanji whined, his own body rendered into a knot of bruised flesh that was pinned by a multitude of hands to the floor.

"If we burst in right this very moment, we should even be able to catch Nami-swan naked!" He paused, "Um... before! He gets her naked!"

Robin's serene little smile grew, "Oh come, now. They're married. Anything they get up to... and believe me they are really getting up to some things right this minute-"

"I don't need to know that!" Sanji sobbed, tears flowing freely down his cheeks.

"I wanna hear more about this!" Franky called out.

"You guys really should just let them be." Ussop said reasonably, as shocked as anyone else that he was the voice of reason. Unlike his fellow crewmates, he only had two hands restraining him and the hands weren't so much holding him down as holding hands with him.

Chopper, the only one who wasn't being restrained by Nico Robin merely looked perplexed, "What exactly IS going on in their bedroom?"

Zorro, Sanji, Franky and Ussop traded uncomfortable glances and as one man looked away from Chopper, ignoring his question, faint blushes appearing on all their faces.

"I want to know!" Chopper pouted.

Suddenly, Robin gasped, both hands rising upo to cover her cheeks as they reddened. The motion inadvertently released everyone, but her sudden loss of composure was far too blatant for any of them to miss.

"What're they doing?" Franky asked eagerly.

"Nami-swan~!" Sanji sobbed, chewing on a handkerchief.

Zorro grunted and covered his eyes. "Just shut up, you crappy chef."

Nico Robin who was still colored seemed to swoon slightly, which definitely concerned the rest of the crew. The normally coolly composed Nico Robin looked so... so... stunned and fluttery. Sanji suddenly shot to his feet, catching hold of Nico Robin and he spoke to her, "Are you alright? Are your clothes too tight? I can help loos-" Which found him back to being a restraintball on the deck, held by a multitude of hands.

"What happened?" Chopper asked, looking up at Nico Robin with concern.

_"Luffy..."_ Nico Robin murmured with a distinctly un-Nico Robin-like tenderness to her voice.

"I knew it! He's doing something terrible to Nami-swan!" Sanji cried from the deck, actually managing to free one of his legs from the clutching web work of arms.

Ussop winced at that then turned back to Nico Robin, "Enough building suspense already!"

"... He just told her he liked what they were doing _more than food_." Nico Robin continued, before giving an even more un-Nico Robin-like tiny squeal. Her declaration was met with stunned silence. After that, she seemed to realize that everyone was staring and did her best to get her composure back.

Sanji's eyes grew to the size of dinner plates. "My god."

Zorro rose to his feet, disbelief plainly written on his face, "Impossible...!"

Franky complained, "We still don't know what 'this' is!"

Chopper began running around flailing his tiny arms, "AHHHH! SOMEONE CALL HIM A DOCTOR!"

Nico Robin settled back into her expression of serene amusement, "But you are a doctor."

Chopper stopped. "That's right! I'll go check on them right now!" He was just about to rush off when he was picked up by Zorro by the scruff of his neck.

"They're fine. Leave them alone."

"But, but, but... that's not normal for Luffy! Something's wrong with him!" Chopper said in a panicked tone, but then slowed down and frowned slightly, "I just wish I knew what the problem was." He eyed the rest of his fellow crewmates. "Nobody seems to want to tell me what's going on."

Franky shrugged in mild annoyance, plopping down to sit cross-legged on the deck. "Nobody'll tell me either."

Ussop patted Chopper's head, "You're a little young to know."

"But...but... but... how can I treat Luffy... in fact, how can I be an effective doctor if everyone's keeping things from me?" Chopper said piteously, his eyes large and liquid, open pleading and the full force of his cuteness unleashed upon the unprepared Ussop.

The long-nosed young man flinched away from the assault and said hurriedly, with a nervous laugh, "Well! As Captain Usopp, I feel it is my duty to impart important knowledge to my crew! Knowledge that might save them in their time of need! And any good captain must know how to delegate!"

He glanced back at Chopper who was still dangling helplessly from Zorro's grasp by the scruff of his neck.

Ussop pointed sharply at Zorro, "So I elect you to tell him."

_"LIKE HELL!"_ Zoro roared.

Chopper turned around from where Zoro held him and unleashed his pleading upon the green haired man. "Pleeeeeeeease."

Zoro ground his teeth and began to blush and sweat. Even as he did, Franky, who was on the floor listened attentively even as he smirked in amusement .

Nico Robin had one of her inscrutable expressions once more and seemed to be watching him quite intently. He coughed.

Like _hell_ he'd mess this up or twist it like the perverted cook and cyborg!

He growled at his crewmates and faced the small, furry doctor and tried to explain...

"See when a... a... man. And a woman. Or a man and a man. Or two women. Or a man and a goat... just in this case it's a man and a woman, got it?"

The confused Chopper simply nodded.

"Man and woman... and see a man's got a sword. And women have a sheath and... uh... when they love each other... or their blood just gets really pumped up..."

"Like high blood pressure?" Chopper asked.

"Yeah. Sure. Let's call it that." Zoro grumbled, "Now shut up. You're making me lose my place."

"Sorry!"

"Yeah... so high blood pressure makes for a bigger sword. So there's... uh... kissing involved in there somewhere..." Nico Robin snickered behind her hand, causing Zoro to blush deeper. "... Anyway when they kissed enough and got their blood pressure high the man puts his sword into the woman's sheath. Except sometimes the sword's still too soft. Or the sheath's dry and then you gotta do this thing with your tongue and-"

Nico Robin's smirk just grew wider. Zorro sputtered and soldiered bravely on. "ANYWAY! The point is, you put it in and you gotta kinda jiggle it a bit to make sure it fits right, then you gotta stab repeatedly til... well... stabbing. To... um... relieve the high blood pressure."

Chopper stared for a long time in the dead silence of the deck. Ussop seemed... stunned. Likewise Franky and Sanji. Nico was openly smiling at him now and seemed to have a weird... speculative... look in her eye.

"You're talking about sex, aren't you?" Chopper said finally.

"You know what sex is?" Zoro shouted at chopper.

"Of course I know what sex is!" Chopper huffed indignantly, "I'm a doctor! I know all about human reproduction!"

Zoro palmed his face in frustration, "I didn't need to explain that to you then?"

Chopper rolled his eyes, "It's not like it was a big deal or anything. Like I said, I know all about sex. It was part of my medical training. Missionary, fellatio, cowboy, cunnilingus, reverse-cowboy, dee-pee, doggie, golden showers, Eifel Tower, spankings, the Dirty Sanchez, menage a troi, anal, vore, copro-" He paused then asked innocently, "Why is everyone looking at me like that?"

"Do... do you know what all of those terms mean?" Nico Robin asked slowly.

"Of course I do!" Chopper replied indignantly. "I'm a _doctor_!"

And suddenly, Kureha proclaiming herself a 'swinging single' back on then-Drum Island took on a horrifying new dimension.

* * *

_Water 7, Marine Battleship Officer's Club_

"So, that's _really_how you got your wife to loosen up on your wedding night?" Nojiko asked, spellbound, as Garp regaled the Cocoyashi Islanders (and his subordinates) with stories in the ship's officer's lounge.

Garp nodded, and glugged down a great helping of his beer before answering. "Yep! Laughter between a couple in love is the greatest way to remove the tension! The wedding night is not one for insecurity or doubt, but to let your HOT BLOOD RISE!" Garp raised his mug with a grin. "And with any luck, they will be filled with it all night long!"

"Can we please go skin potatoes for evening meal, sir?" Coby begged.

"Or clean out the sewage pipes?" Helmeppo asked.

"Nope! I am proud of you, and so I will continue to share life experiences that might help you in the future!" Garp boomed. He looked over his subordinates. Coby was blushing and making eyes every so often at Lieutenant Tashigi, who was drinking with her captain and shooting glances back at the chief petty officer every so often.

Helmeppo, meanwhile, was trying to hide behind his mug due to Nojiko's appreciative glances. Garp sighed and looked over at Genzo in some despair.

"Some need more help than others," the vice admiral admitted.

"Heh! It is the fate of the old to lament the young, Vice-Admiral," Genzo said, clunking his tankard against Garp's mug.

"Hear hear!"

* * *

_My longest chapter in a good long while! I hope you all enjoyed it, and leave plenty of reviews either praising it, or condemning it. Either way, let me know what you guys think!  
_


	9. Chapter 9

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

___On the Way to Thriller Bark..._

* * *

In the Aquarium Bar, Luffy and Nami found themselves faced by their crew as though before a tribunal. Nami immediately went with her first instinct in such a situation:

"Whatever it is, I didn't do it, steal it, or borrow it and the information will cost you-"

"THAT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR!" Zoro and Usopp bellowed.

"DAMN RIGHT!" Sanji snarled, tied up with spare chain from the anchor.

"So, why are we here?" Luffy asked. "Cause I'm hungry, and horny-GAH!"

"Damnit Luffy don't _say_that!" Nami hissed, blushing bright red.

"That's exactly why we're here you bastard!" Sanji snarled. "I'll kill you! I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Down, down Sanji!" Chopper said. He injected Sanji with a syringe, and the blonde cook's countenance changed. He smiled dreamily as he leaned back.

"Pretty sparks of light dancing with onigiri," he sighed.

"Unfortunately his metabolism is such that the sedative only works for a little while," Chopper admitted.

"Dancing in the moonlight, hey hey hey... I... It... DAMN YOU LUFFY YOU BASTARD! RAWR!"

"What'd we do?" Luffy asked, perplexed.

"Ahem," Usopp began, clearing his throat with a melodramatic cough into his fist. "Nami, Luffy, we have some concerns about-"

"Stop having sex everywhere you freaking perverts!" Zoro growled.

"I was trying to be diplomatic!" Usopp growled, shaking his fists.

"Oh come on, we're on our honeymoon and it's a small ship!" Nami protested.

"Yeah! You've only caught us a couple of times that we've actually been doing it!" Luffy said cheerfully. His wife hit him over the head for that, but he was still grinning even as the rest of the crew reacted with varying degrees of disgust (Zoro), rage (Sanji), disbelief (Usopp), confusion (Chopper), amazement (Franky), and amusement (Robin).

"Even so! Each of those times was severely traumatizing!" Usopp said. "Right?"

The crewmembers each looked away from each other. "Well..."

* * *

Franky entered the power room of the ship, a big wrench carried in his hand and a whistle on his lips.

"Fwee, fwee, fwee..."

But since he couldn't actually whistle, he was making the sound for it phonetically.

"Heehee! L-Luffy, no, not herrrre ohhhh..."

Franky blinked. He looked around the barrels of cola stored in the back of the room. His eyes widened.

"OW! Luffy! Nami!"

"FRANKY!" Nami covered her chest with her shirt and glared at him. "D-Damnit, get out!"

"Oi! This is my space! You can't go having sex in my space! Not unless you're willing to let Franky watch-GAHHH!"

"DIE! DIE! DIE!"

"Hahahaha!"

"Stop laughing Luffy! Your wife is killing me!"

* * *

"That really hurt! Ow!" Franky complained.

"I didn't really see a problem with it," Chopper said. Nami looked rather mortified, while Luffy just grinned.

* * *

Chopper entered the sickbay, his arms full of medical books.

"Ohhh... Luffyyy..."

"Eh?" Chopper gasped, lowering the stack of books so he could see over them. Luffy and Nami were on his examination table, blushing furiously. The human reindeer then sighed.

"You know, you're doing that wrong Luffy."

"Eh?" Luffy gaped.

"If you rub that..." Chopper made a motion with his hoof, "yeah, just an inch or two lower, you'll get the nerves just ri-"

"OHMIGOD!" Nami screamed.

"See? There you go." Chopper deposited his books for later reading and headed back out. "Clean up after you're done!"

There was silence for a few moments save for Nami catching her breath. Chopper then poked his head back in.

"By the way, you should really try it with this kind of motion, not _that_kind of motion."

"Oh? You mean, like this?" Luffy asked. Nami squealed.

"Yes, like that! Later!" Chopper said, waving his hoof and walking out.

"Luffy stop listening to him!" Nami cried.

"But you liked it!" Luffy protested.

"Don't listen to him WHILE we're doing this!"

"Okay, okay!" Luffy said.

"... you should've gone to him for advice instead of Sanji," Nami murmured.

"Eh?" Luffy cried.

"Not that I'm complaining!"

* * *

"Er..." Usopp rubbed the top of his head.

* * *

"WHY ARE YOU EVEN HERE ON MY WORK BENCH?" Usopp shouted. "IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE! I'VE SAT ON IT! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DO IT HERE?"

"Well we hadn't done it here yet, so-" Luffy tried, but Usopp threw them both out.

"PERVERTS! YOU'RE BOTH PERVERTS!"

"Eesh, touchy," Nami sniffed.

* * *

Sanji foamed at the mouth.

* * *

Sanji walked into the kitchen, today's recipe already in his head.

_Let's see... A nice orange sauce for that grouper Usopp caught, plus rice with a hint of lime..._

He came up short when he heard a giggle, and slowly he turned to his left.

"Oh! Hey Sanji!" Luffy said cheerfully, holding a topless Nami against himself. Nami blushed furiously, and he noted that... Parts... Of her were covered in sugar.

Tears came to Sanji's eyes. "You... How could you... IN MY OWN KITCHEN?"

"But I was hungry, and Nami wanted me to lick sugar from her-"

"DAMNIT LUFFY DON'T TELL HIM EVERYTHING!" Nami shouted.

"But we've done it several times here already-!'

"DON'T TELL HIM THAT EITHER!"

"S-S-Several times...?" Sanji asked, trembling. He looked all over his wonderful kitchen, upon every surface that Nami could have been held on, against, set atop, laying upon... And with Luffy-

"NOOOOOOOOO!"

* * *

"MY KITCHEN HAS BEEN DEFILED! THAT CAN'T POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN SANITARY!" Sanji raged.

"We cleaned up afterwards, really!" Luffy insisted. Sanji fixed his captain with a deadly serious glare.

"Luffy," Sanji said with utter sincerity, "you've been a good captain and a great friend, but now I must _kill you." _His eyes burned with fire. "KILL YOU KILL YOU KILL YOU-!"

"SEDATIVE!" Chopper cried, injecting Sanji once again.

"Haa... Jiiii... Look at my horse, my horse is amazing..."

Zoro grunted. Robin covered her mouth as she laughed softly.

* * *

"DAMNIT THIS IS THE FOURTH TIME I'VE CAUGHT YOU DOING IT!" Zoro ranted, shaking his fist at the blushing pair in his training room.

"How the hell do you keep finding us when you _can't find anything else?_" Nami shrieked.

"But we've done it like thirty times, so he hasn't caught us-" Luffy tried, but he was soon interrupted by Zoro covering his ears and yelling.

"SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"

"Oh my, such commotion," Robin tutted. She peeked into the room and smiled. "Oh, hello again you two."

"YOU CAUGHT THEM TOO?" Zoro cried.

"Oh yes, in the survey room," Robin chuckled. She smiled and leaned over to whisper in Zoro's ear.

"Don't you just think they're so very... _inspirational_when they do that?"

Zoro blushed furiously, and crossed his arms over his chest as he looked away.

"It's annoying. I'm not inspired at all."

"Oh? Doesn't it get a... rise... out of you?" Robin asked softly. Luffy and Nami watched, interested. Zoro growled.

"Well, yeah! But this'd piss _anyone_off!"

"So, this gets your blood boiling? Your... blood pressure up?" Robin asked, running a hand down Zoro's chest. The Pirate Hunter grunted, grumpy and distracted.

"Yeah it does." He glared at her. "Why are you doing that?"

Robin giggled and walked off. Zoro stared after her.

"...waitaminute..." He muttered.

"Geez, even I got that," Luffy said, shaking his head. Nami grabbed his shirt. "Ulp!"

"Less paying attention to other people flirting, more making out!" Nami demanded.

* * *

"ZORO YOU BASTARD!" Sanji screamed. "GIVE ME A BOTTLE! I'LL CUT YOU MOTHERFUCKER, I'LL CUT YOU-Ohhhh wow those happy figs dancing..."

"Chopper! Go easy on that stuff!" Usopp cried. "You might overdose him!"

"I'm open to suggestions on alternative treatment," Chopper said.

"Perhaps aversion therapy?" Suggested Robin.

"Nah, probably won't work on him-"

"THIS IS ALL BESIDE THE POINT!" Zoro shouted, shaking his fist. He pointed at Luffy and Nami. "You can't just go around the ship and have sex everywhere we can catch you!"

"Ah, but you didn't catch us in the crow's nest," Luffy said. Zoro's eye began to twitch dangerously.

"Or the gunner's nest," Nami said. Usopp gaped.

"Or the library," Luffy said. "No, wait, Robin caught us."

"Do mind the books, please," Robin said with a chuckle.

"Point is! You can't just go around the ship like this!" Franky said. "It's very distracting!" He rubbed his head. "Though if you were to let us watch I'm sure we could work something out-GAH! MY FACE!"

"DIE!" Nami screamed.

"N-Nami, we need a shipwright!"

"DON'T CARE, KILLING HIM!"

Luffy sighed, and wrapped his wife up in his arms. "Sorry, we'll be right back." He carried her off, leaving the rest of the crew to sit and commiserate.

"Don't worry," Robin said comfortingly. "This is the honeymoon. They'll become less... Affectionate in time."

"Yeah, but _thirty times?"_Usopp asked, in absolute awe. "At least?"

"We'll be running into them for the rest of the voyage," Zoro said with a sigh.

Sanji just sobbed miserably, before he clenched his fists.

"I swear... I'll get a hot babe of my own, and have sexy times with her all over the ship! THEN WE'LL SEE WHO'S LAUGHING! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHAHAHA-"

"SEDATIVE!"

"Oooh... Let's make cupcakes, Pinkie Piiiie..."

* * *

_Oh yeah, like they could resist each other. Hope you enjoyed!_


	10. Chapter 10

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

* * *

_Thriller Bark_

An invisible presence had been watching Nami. She'd felt it in the air itself since they arrived, and it creeped her out to no end. She'd stuck close to Luffy, which her captain and husband had not complained about in the slightest. However, they'd gotten separated after that freaky boar zombie had attacked and now she had no idea where she was.

All she knew was that the presence was there, and she gripped her Clima-Tact tightly. She'd felt and seen that horrible zombie Oars emerge from his freezer, and she'd tried to stay hidden by moving through broken headstones for cover.

"Nami, my dear," a smooth, seductive voice flowed over the wind. Nami looked around, trying to locate the source of the voice as she kept herself quiet.

"You can't escape me, you know," the voice continued on. "I will find you..."

Nami gritted her teeth.

"And when I do..." She felt strong arms surround her, and felt herself be yanked against a broad chest. "Got you!"

"GAH! Let me-GO!" Nami cried, trying to get a hit in on her foe but failing due to the painful grip he had on her arms.

She struggled furiously.

"Oh, I don't think so!" The monster laughed. "I am your beloved groom, Absalom! And tonight we will be wed!"

"What?" Nami shouted. "IDIOT! You can't!"

"Of course I can!" The monster chuckled. "From the moment I saw you in the shower, I knew we were fated to be!"

"WHAT?" Nami screeched. "THAT WAS YOU?"

"What is there to stop me? Your friends are weak! And we are truly meant to be!" Absalom declared.

"I'm-Already-MARRIED-ASSHOLE!" Nami managed, stomping ineffectually on Absalom's foot. The man growled like a lion and grabbed Nami's wrist, holding her hand up. Nami was able to get a good look at him at last, and she gasped-He'd growled like a lion because his _face_ was that of a lion's!

"What? Already married?" He gasped. "TO WHO?"

"Luffy of course!" Nami growled. "Now let-me-GO!"

"So... You're already a bride then," Absalom said, the frown on his face thoughtful. "Hmmm..."

**"FLASH STAR!"** Usopp bellowed, and a blinding light filled Nami's eyes. She heard Absalom roar in her ear as something hit him, and she was released. She rolled along the ground and got back up, blinking spots from her eyes as she managed to make out Chopper in Arm Point throwing punches furiously at Absalom. "Chopper! Usopp!"

"Don't worry!" Usopp cried. "I, the great Captain Usopp and his loyal assistant Tony Tony Chopper will defeat this perverted demon and send him back to hell!" He took aim with Kabuto and fired another round. "Chopper! Get out of the way before-!"

"RAWR!" Absalom swung his arm, and Chopper went flying from some kind of invisible force right through a boulder. Usopp gaped but thought quickly and pulled out an Impact dial. He held it in front of himself as a shield.

"Come on! Hit me!" Usopp taunted. "I'm right here, you can't possibly miss, come on, hit me! HIT ME! HIT-!"

Absalom vanished, and then reappeared over Usopp's head. The sniper gulped as the lion man's foot smashed down on his face.

"MeeeAAAAHHH!" He went flying off his perch and hit the ground head first.

"USOPP! CHOPPER!" Nami screamed. Absalom vanished, and Nami felt herself being lifted off the ground. She struggled furiously as Absalom reappeared, grinning.

"Well... Such a shame. The words 'til death do us part' do not apply on Thriller Bark," he said with a grin. "And your husband just lost his shadow, so I'm quite afraid you're going to be single soon."

"You bastard!" Nami snarled, kicking him fruitlessly. Absalom laughed.

"Don't worry my dear. You'll change your mind soon enough..." And with that, Absalom vanished along with his "new bride".

* * *

"... And that's what happened," Usopp finished explaining to the remaining crew. Sanji's fists clenched and his eyes burned in fiery rage.

"WHAT? That invisible SON OF A BITCH KIDNAPPED NAMI? TO MAKE HER HIS BRIDE? AFTER OGLING HER NAKED IN THE SHOWER? THAT IS _**UNFORGIVABLE!"**_ His aura exploded in flames. "I WILL MAKE HIM **PAY! RAWRRR!"**

"I think he's going to transform at this rate," Zoro commented wryly. He looked over at Luffy. "Don't you start transforming too..." He blinked. "Luffy?"

The captain's face was shadowed by his hat. Slowly, Luffy turned and walked up to Sanji as he continued his ranting.

"**UNFORGIVABLE! I WILL FRY HIM AND SERVE HIM TO DOGS! I'LL SLICE HIM INTO SANDWICH MEAT! I'LL-!"** He abruptly stopped when he felt Luffy's hand on his shoulder. The fireworks vanished. Sanji looked at Luffy's face.

"Luffy?" He asked in disbelief. The captain's face rose, and Sanji could see his eyes had narrowed into pinpricks. His jaw was set. His face was a tense mask of rage that very nearly made Sanji want to wet himself.

"Sanji," Luffy said, "everyone," he said, addressing his crew in a tight voice. "You are all my nakama. I would fight and die to save any one of you."

"Uh... Uh huh..." Sanji said. Much nodding of heads commenced. Luffy sucked in a deep breath.

"But right now... I am going to go _save my wife_," Luffy said flatly, the very air radiating from his fury. "And _kick this bastard's ass. _It might take a while, so I need you all to hang in there until I can get to you. All right?"

Zoro slowly nodded. "No problem Captain," Zoro said.

"We can handle it!" Chopper declared.

"Yosh! We'll handle it just fine, Strawhat! Ow!" Franky confirmed, saluting.

"Of course Captain," Robin said with an understanding smile.

"We've got it, Luffy," Usopp said, giving Luffy a grin and a thumbs up.

"Sanji?" Luffy asked, turning back to him. The cook... Was crying.

"Luffy... Today you become a man!" Sanji sobbed. He hugged the captain. "So... Proud... Of you!" He sniffed and held a fist up high. "I'll fight like a monster knowing that you are going to stop at nothing to save Nami-swan!"

"Sanji! Thanks!" Luffy said sincerely, smiling and hugging his cook back.

"This from the guy most pissed off that he didn't get the devil fruit that would let him see Nami naked in the shower first," Usopp muttered.

Luffy stiffened, as did Sanji. Usopp gulped.

"... I said that really loudly didn't I?" He asked.

_**"SANJI..."**_ Luffy snarled as his skin began to turn red and the sweat started steaming. Sanji gulped.

"Right! EVERYONE MOVE OUT!" Sanji bellowed, turning and running into Thriller Back. "NO TIME TO WASTE!"

"Man, he's running even faster than me," Usopp said.

"Never thought I'd see the day," Zoro said with a smirk.

"HEY!"

* * *

_This is it,_ Absalom thought as his lips drew towards the unconscious Nami's. _My bride is mine!_

And then the entire island rocked, sending everyone flying off their feet.

Absalom growled furiously at his subordinates as he got up off the floor. "That damned Oars...! I bet he pulled the chain!"

He turned to the Zombie generals. "Go and stop him! I won't let him disrupt my ceremony any longer!"

The Zombie Generals complied, running off and leaving only two zombie subordinates behind. Absalom grumbled to the unconscious Nami.

"Can't believe this... I'm terribly sorry my dear, your ultimate ecstasy will have to wait a bit," he said.

Absalom's ears twitched. He heard the sound of sandaled feet padding through the hallway outside the room. He looked up and saw Monkey D. Luffy walk past the room... And then walked right back, looking into it.

"Ah...! So Strawhat, you found me!" Absalom chuckled. Luffy walked through the door slowly, fists clenched, eyes narrowed. "I must commend your determination, but it is pointless! Without your shadows, you will all perish when the sun rises! Your best bet is to become a zombie!" He grinned evilly as Luffy continued to approach him. "Maybe I'll let you see your-I mean _my_ wife from time to time!"

Luffy stopped right in front of Absalom. He cracked his knuckles, and then his neck. "You're Absalom, right?" Luffy asked.

Absalom glared. "Of course I'm Absalom! Who else would I be, you idiot?"

Luffy nodded, and stooped down. He pressed his fist into the stone floor. "Gear Second."

"Gear wha-?"

And Absalom was flying through a wall... Then another... And another thanks to the punch that had hit him at supersonic speeds.

He groaned as he came to a stop, slumping against the last wall of the castle and falling down to the floor afterwards. He got up, snarling.

"That... Little...!" He turned invisible and rushed back through the holes made by his transit. He made it back to the room he'd been holding the ceremony in, and saw the Strawhat-wearing punk was carrying _his_ bride out the door.

"LET HER GO!" Absalom bellowed, firing off a Suke blast that knocked Strawhat off his feet. He yelped and held Nami tightly against him as he rolled, protecting her from the force of the strike. Absalom smirked.

"You might as well give up now, Strawhat!" Absalom gloated. "You can't hit what you can't see!" He further taunted.

Strawhat gently set Nami down on the floor. He then turned to face the room at large.

"You're in the room, right?" Luffy asked.

Absalom gaped. _What kind of moron is this?_ "OF COURSE I'M IN THE ROOM, IDIOT! You can't _see me!_ But I'm _clearly here!"_

Luffy nodded. He bit his thumb. "Gear Third."

"Third wha-?"

And then Absalom and what seemed like _the rest of the castle_ was sent flying.

* * *

Nami woke up, feeling dazed and confused. "Ugh... Uh...?" She felt a cool breeze on her face, and whipping at her long dress.

Wait, what?

"What am I...?" Nami gasped as she looked down at the wedding dress she wore. She looked around and saw Luffy holding her, a smile on his face.

"Hey Nami! You okay? You look kind of funny, like this," he made a face. Nami smacked him, then hugged him.

"Where's Absalom?" Nami asked. "And... For that matter, why is there a hole in..." She looked out at the devastation around them. "... Everything?"

"Oh! Well, first I hit Absalom with Gear Second," Luffy said, "but then he turned invisible and I couldn't see him. But I knew he was in the room so I used Gear Third to hit it."

"Hit what?"

"The room."

Nami stared at him. "You hit the _entire_ room."

Luffy nodded and grinned. "Yep!"

Nami sighed and hugged her husband. "Good work," she said.

"Thanks! Now we should go and help the others since that gigantic zombie woke up and has our shadows," Luffy said.

"Right," Nami said with a nod. She looked over Luffy's shoulder, and gripped her Climatact. "But first... _**THUNDER TEMPO!"**_

"GWAAAAHHHHHH!" Absalom cried, blasted from his invisible hiding place and sent flying out the hole. Luffy gasped.

"Woah! How'd you know he was there?"

"Well, I could sense the disruptions in the air he was making due to the change in air pressure thanks to this wind, which resembled barometric disruption in the..." At her husband's blank look, she sighed.

"I felt his creepy leer," Nami said with a shudder. Luffy's eyes shined.

"That... Is so... Cool!"

"It is, isn't it?" Nami asked with a grin of her own.

* * *

_I've gotten requests to do an Oars bit. I'll probably do it when inspiration strikes. So far though, it hasn't. Sorry._


	11. Chapter 11

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

* * *

"Luffy... Luffyyyy... Ohhhh GOD!" Nami trembled in bliss and laid limply in her bed as her husband grinned over her.

"How was that?" The rubber man asked with a grin. Nami sighed, planting soft kissing along his neck.

"Good... Good..." She punched him, sending him flying into the bulkhead. She growled down at him.

"Except you _forgot to pull out, idiot!"_

"Aw come on Nami," Luffy said with a whine. Nami huffed, undaunted even when Luffy moved up and wrapped his arms around her waist. He rested his chin on her shoulder and grinned. "What's the big deal? We do it like that all the time!"

"Except I'm out of birth control," Nami said flatly.

"For how long?"

"For a full _week_ now!" Nami growled. "Remember?"

"Hmmm..." Luffy hummed. "When you're naked it's hard to remember things like that." Nami covered up with her blanket, and Luffy pouted. "Awww...!"

"This is serious Luffy! I could very easily get pregnant in the next day or so," Nami said. Luffy frowned.

"That would be a bad thing?"

"Yes Luffy! We're all wanted criminals now! Is this really the kind of life we want for a child?" Nami asked, equal parts fearful and angry. Luffy hummed.

"Well... What kind of life could we give them?" He asked.

Nami frowned. "Well... I... We could... Settle down somewhere, somewhere quiet, after you're Pirate King," she said. Luffy blinked.

"... Quiet? Settle down?" He asked. "But then what? That'd be _boring!"_

"So you _want_ to bring our kids along on our journey?" Nami asked in disbelief. Luffy hummed.

"Well, yeah. Why not?" He asked with a grin.

"It's dangerous!" Nami insisted.

"Yeah, but it's also incredible and awesome and amazing!" Luffy argued. "And wouldn't it be waaaaay better than our childhoods?"

Nami opened her mouth, took a deep breath... And sighed.

"... That still doesn't mean it's a good idea," she grumbled. "We should really talk about this before we decide anything!"

Luffy pouted. "Aww... All right," he sighed. "We'll wait to talk about it..." He smiled at her. "But I... I really want to be a dad! I think it'd be awesome to have a new nakama!"

Nami flushed at his enthusiasm. "I... Well... I'm not against the idea myself... I'm just not sure we could pull it off as pirates."

Luffy laughed and hugged her.

"Relax Nami! We don't have to decide now, right? It's one more day until port, so you can take your medicine and it'll be okay!"

"I guess you're right," Nami sighed. "It's not going to be that big a deal-Eep!"

Luffy grinned and pushed her onto her back.

"Ah! L-Luffy, hang on a second! That doesn't mean we can just-jusssst...! Ahh, oh God, Luffyyyy~!"

"Mmm... By the way, where are we headed? Haa..."

"Ohhh... God, I've told you a dozen-Eep!-Times! S-Saobody, ahn, A-Archipelago...!"

"Haaa... Awesome~!"

Robin, just outside the door, turned another page in her book and chuckled softly.

Caimi, the mermaid passenger they'd picked up, blinked. "Are they always that loud?"

"Oh my no," Robin chuckled. "Sometimes they're _worse."_

* * *

_Weatheria - Several weeks later_

Nami felt her bile rise, and she covered her mouth as she ran for the bathroom. Haredas, her mentor since she'd arrived on Weatheria, clicked his tongue as he heard the sounds of Nami throwing up again.

"I've tried many different foods, but you just keep getting sick!" The old weather wizard huffed. "Over and over again! So picky, you Blue Sea dwellers, so picky!" He looked over at the bathroom, as Nami slowly, miserably walked back in. "Oi oi oi! You all right?"

"Nngh... Do I _look_ all right?" Nami snapped, slumping in her chair and pressing her head to the table. "Ohhh..." She rubbed her stomach. Haredas hummed.

"Hmmm... Perhaps... Are you... Sick over your friends and your husband?" The old wizard suggested, his eyes drifting to the newspaper detailing Ace's death that Nami hadn't let out of her sight. Nami sighed and sat up, rubbing her cheeks.

"Maybe..."

"I also notice you have not had a menstrual cycle since you came here," Haredas said. Nami whacked him over the head with her Climatact.

"WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU PAY ATTENTION TO THAT?" Nami shrieked.

"Urgggh! S-Science only, science!" Haredas groaned. Nami sat back and sighed, rubbing her temples... She stopped and looked up at him.

"Haredas... We need to make a stop over a city..."

* * *

Haredas tapped his foot and waited outside the bathroom door. Really, it was _his_ house! And he had to use the bathroom now!

"Are you done yet?" He called.

"I... Almost..."

"You bought many tests," Haredas observed. "Do you really need that many?"

"You're a scientist, right?" Nami demanded. "Don't you need to have repeatable results?"

"Ah," the old wizard said with a nod, "Touche'."

He heard her gasp, and something fall. He frowned and knocked on the door.

"Nami? Nami, what's wrong? Are you all right?"

* * *

The tests all said what she'd suspected... What she'd dreaded...

She held a hand over her stomach as she slid to the floor, tears in her eyes and a smile on her face.

And also what she'd secretly hoped for.

"Stupid idiot," she muttered, looking at the newspaper photo of Luffy with a sniffle. She ran her fingers over the image. "I... Here I was worried I'd never see you again, and hoping I'd have something... Some part of you for myself..." She sobbed and wrapped her arms around her knees. "How stupid...! Stupid stupid stupid...!"

Well, that was one more curveball thrown into their lives... Just like her husband was, really.

She sighed again, and looked up at the ceiling.

"... I guess it'll be just one more surprise for you when we meet again," she said softly.

* * *

_Well, you might say that this is one rubber who fails to protect against pregnancy even if he doesn't break. AHAHAHA-Ow! Okay, I deserved that._


	12. Chapter 12

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

_Saobody Archipelago - Two Years Later_

* * *

Luffy arrived at the _Thousand Sunny_ hauling his massive backpack and his ass at top speed. He waved with a grin as he saw the crew on deck.

"HEYYYY! EVERYONE!" He shouted. He cleared the last bit of distance with a Gum Gum Rocket, landing in a heap atop Usopp, Chopper and Franky. Sanji and Zoro were not far behind.

"GO! GO! GO!" Sanji shouted.

"AHHH! LUFFY!" Chopper cried, hugging his captain.

"LUFFY!" Usopp also sobbed manly tears.

"LUFFY-MECHA!" Franky cried, his nipple lights going off. What that meant, nobody cared to speculate. Luffy got up from the group hug, laughing happily... And suddenly stopped when he saw a certain redheaded navigator with a little cloud floating next to her. He grinned brightly.

"Nami!" He cried, stretching out his arms and grabbing Nami around the waist. The surprised woman was yanked into Luffy's embrace, and a sloppy kiss. "Mmph!"

"WHAT? HE KISSED HER!" Sanji cried. "I'LL KILL YOU LUFFY! DESPITE OUR FRIENDSHIP YOU MUST DIE NOWWW!"

"Idiot!" Zoro cried. "He's seen them do it before!"

"Sanji has a short memory!" Franky said.

As Franky and Zoro held Sanji back, Nami broke the kiss and laughed as she hugged Luffy back.

"Luffy! Great to see you!" She laughed.

"I hated not being able to see all of you!" Luffy cried, pressing his face into Nami's cleavage. "But I _really_ missed you"

"Good work Luffy, that's how a husband should act-I'LL CASTRATE YOU WITH A RUSTY CARVING KNIFE!"

"Down Sanji, down!"

Nami pulled away and gave Luffy a little, nervous smile. "Er... There's someone else for you to meet."

Luffy blinked. "Eh?" He looked around, seeing his complete crew as the _Thousand Sunny_ took off with Usopp at the wheel. "But... Everybody's here."

Robin began laughing softly, as Chopper rubbed his face. Brook laughed heartily.

"It's quite the surprise, yohohohoho!"

"What? What surprise?" Sanji asked.

Zoro frowned. "Yeah, what surprise?"

The little cloud floated up to Luffy and Nami. Nami, still smiling nervously, waved her hand and the cloud seemed to unfold. Within, wearing a little red shirt and a cute pair of white shorts was a little black haired girl, no more than two years old. She yawned, and sat up. She stared at Luffy, and Luffy stared back.

"Eh? Did you kidnap a girl, Nami?" Usopp gasped. "Or did you adopt a girl? AH! WE CAN'T ADOPT CHILDREN, WE'RE PIRATES! WE'RE KIDNAPPERS!"

"Ahhh..." Nami tapped her fingers together. "Luffy, this is Ace." She looked intently at him. "Your daughter."

Luffy's eyes widened as he froze dramatically, as did everyone else as though suddenly being given dramatic closeups.

Luffy was silent for several long seconds, and Nami began to fidget. Maybe she shouldn't have come back, maybe she should have just hid in Cocoyashi Village, maybe she should have-

"...YEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Luffy cried, throwing his hands up. "I HAVE A DAUGHTER! WOOOO! NEW NAKAMA!" He hugged his daughter, and surprised, Ace began to cry.

"Waaahhhh!"

"A... A... Daughter?" Sanji asked. He threw his hands up. "WHYYYYYY?"

"Don't tell me," Zoro groaned as he facepalmed. "We're bringing a _kid_ along?"

"Who names a girl 'Ace', anyway?" Usopp muttered.

"Hahahahaha! Hahahaah-Oh, wait," Luffy said, freezing as Ace continued to cry. "I wasn't there for her birth." His eyes widened more. "I wasn't there for her growing up!" His eyebrows twitched. "AAHHHHH! I'M A BAD FATHER! I ABANDONED HER LIKE MY DAD DID ME!"

"No! No, Luffy, stop!" Nami cried, waving her hands. "You're not bad, it's okay! It's okay!"

"I'M A TERRIBLE FATHER! A HORRIBLE ROLE MODEL! AAAAAHHHH!" Luffy continued to bellow, tears running from his eyes.

"NO! YOU'RE A GREAT ROLE-Pfft, okay, even I can't say that," Usopp sighed.

"YES! DROWN YOURSELF! DROWN YOURSELF YOU BASTARD!" Sanji shouted.

"DON'T DO ANYTHING RASH, LUFFY!" Chopper screamed.

"YOUR WIFE AND DAUGHTER NEED YOU, LUFFY-MECHA!" Franky shouted. "BE A MAN AND STAY WITH HER!"

"STOP SHOUTING YOU IDIOTS! YOU'RE NOT HELPING!" Zoro bellowed.

"DIE! DIE OF SHAME!"

"_ESPECIALLY YOU SHITTY COOK_!" Zoro screamed.

Robin just continued to laugh, as did Brook.

"I AM TERRIBLE FOR ABANDONING-Ora?" Luffy's nose was seized in a tight grip, and he found himself being flung into the mast. He hit it with the ringing of a gong, and slid down.

He sat up, and looked back at his daughter, still holding his rubber nose. He then grinned brightly.

"OHHHH! SHE'S STRONG!" He cried happily, snapping Ace up in his arms and hugging her. The toddler giggled happily as Luffy swung her around.

"The hell have you been _feeding her?"_ Zoro cried.

"She's Luffy's daughter all right," Franky chuckled.

The captain swung his way back to Nami, and wrapped his other arm around his wife with a loud laugh. "Hahahaha! This is the best day ever! Our crew's bigger! I'm a daddy!"

Nami, looking more relieved than she could say, sighed and hugged him back as their daughter continued laughing.

"Oi! You can't be serious!" Zoro shouted, smacking the back of Luffy's head. "You're gonna bring your _daughter_ along?"

"Well... Yeah, why not?" Luffy asked.

"We're _pirates!"_ Usopp shouted. "It's dangerous!"

"Yes! Very dangerous!" Chopper shouted.

Luffy scratched his head. "But we can't leave her alone somewhere!"

"Absolutely not! I refuse!" Nami agreed.

"But-But our lives are in constant danger!" Usopp insisted. " She might get kidnapped! She might get poisoned or worse! Maybe she could stay with your family? Somewhere safe?"

"Hmmm," Luffy said thoughtfully. "Well, I suppose we could leave her with my grandpa-"

"_**NO."**_

"Eh... Eheh..." Luffy slowly turned his head to look at his wife, who was a study in fear incarnate. "B-But... Nami, he'd-"

"_**NO."**_ Nami growled. Luffy gulped and nodded quickly.

"Ah, a mother's instincts," Robin sighed.

"D-Defense Point!" Chopper squeaked, now a protective furball. Ace laughed and clapped her hands together at the sight.

"W-W-Well, why not at Cocoyashi Village?" Usopp suggested. Nami snorted.

"Who'd protect her if there was trouble?"

"Er... Yosake and Johnny?" Usopp suggested, a mental image of the two appearing in a thought bubble over his head. Nami whacked the thought bubble, and both former bounty hunters went down instantly. "Er... Maybe you're right..."

"Oi! The safest place for her is right here!" Luffy said, holding his fist up. His eyes narrowed in determination. "Anybody who tries to hurt her, I'll beat them up!"

Nami smiled brightly at her husband.

"Otherwise Nami would do something even _worse_ to them," Luffy said with a sage nod. Nami sighed happily.

"He knows me so well~," she said as she nuzzled his cheek. Zoro groaned and rubbed his temples.

"Still wishing you were in Luffy's place, Sanji?" Franky asked. Sanji wept bitterly.

"More than ever!"

"So glad to be home," Usopp sighed, a sweatdrop prominent on the back of his head.

* * *

_On the way to Fishmen Island..._

The Marine bombardment had ceased thanks to the intervention of Boa's vessel, and all of the Strawhats crowded on one side of the deck to get a good look at this woman. Nami took the scope, and her eyes widened when she got a look at the Pirate Empress.

_"_That's... Her?" She asked, blushing a bit despite herself. Luffy grinned and laughed.

"Ah! Boa Hancock!" Luffy said cheerfully. "Yeah! She got me to Impel Down, and helped me during Marineford, and fed me and gave me all that food and helped me for the last two years!" Luffy pointed to his massive pack, still sitting on the deck. Nami, holding Ace-chan, clutched at her daughter a bit more tightly.

"She did... All that for you?" Nami asked quietly.

Luffy nodded with a smile. "Yep! Even brought me here to see you all again!"

"I... I see," Nami said softly. She turned to Luffy, suspicion entering her mind. "She sounds... Nice."

"Oh yeah, she was!" Luffy said. He then scratched his cheek. "She was really weird though."

Boa turned to look at the _Thousand Sunny,_ smiled, and waved with a blush visible through the telescope. Nami's eyes narrowed.

"Weird?" Nami asked, the question coming out as a growl. "Weird _how?"_

* * *

Over on her flagship, Boa blushed as she caught sight of the _Thousand Sunny._ "The scope, if you please," she ordered a nearby Amazon. Upon receiving it, Boa took the telescope and focused on the _Sunny._

_Ah, there is Luffy,_ she thought happily. Her face darkened. _And that wife of his... _She frowned and adjusted the focus. _But who is that small child in... Her... Arms..._

The telescope broke in Boa's hands as she wailed.

**"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"** Boa wailed. **"LUFFY! I WANTED TO HAVE YOUR BABIIIIEEESSS!"**

* * *

On the Thousand Sunny, Nami's jaw dropped. Luffy sighed.

"I tell her all the time that I'm married and she keeps saying she wants to marry me!"

"LUFFY!" Sanji snarled. "You bastard! HOW DARE YOU SHACK UP WITH A PIRATE EMPRESS WHILE NAMI-SWAN CARRIES YOUR CHILD!"

"What? I didn't!" Luffy said quickly. He looked at Nami. "I really didn't Nami!"

Nami huffed, and looked to the side. "Hmph... Away for two years, with most beautiful woman in the world..."

"With?" Luffy hugged her tightly and grinned. "I was trying to get _back_ to _her_!"

Nami blushed furiously, as Ace squirmed out of her arms. "Good answer," she admitted.

**"YOU! HAG!" **Boa shrieked. Nami's head jerked up as she looked over at the Kufa ship.

"Eh?"

"Funny she knows who she's talking about," Zoro grunted.

**"I CHALLENGE YOU! YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM WITHOUT A FIGHT! I'LL HAVE TWO-NO-TEN-No-TWENTY-No-FIFTY OF HIS BABIES!" **Boa shouted.

A blue shade descended over Nami's face. "Wh... What a strange person...!"

"Luffyyyy..." Sanji growled, even as Chopper prepared a sedative.

"I told you, she's weird." Luffy said with a shrug. "Nice, but weird."

"The passions of women will burn all but the greatest of men!" Franky declared dramatically.

"I'M VERY SORRY BUT I'M HIS WIFE!" Nami shouted back, not sounding sorry at all.

**"LET ME BE HIS MISTRESS THEN!"**

Dead silence from the entire crew followed, but didn't last long.

Nami gaped. _**"WHAT? NO!"**_

Even from a distance, Boa Hancock's beauty was quite powerful. She pouted with a sensual blush over her cheeks.

**"OH~? ARE YOU SURE~?" **She cried**. **Nami blushed in turn, and poked her fingers together.

"Ah... Well... Um..."

"What's a Mistress?" Luffy asked, as Sanji was restrained by Franky and sedated by Chopper. Ace-chan just laughed at the silly faces Sanji was making.

"A mistress is the woman on the side, Luffy," Robin explained, chuckling softly. "Like a second wife."

"Uwah? I can have _two_ wives?" Luffy gasped. His face was nearly put through the deck by Nami's fist.

"LIKE HELL YOU CAN!"

"You can have as many as you can handle," Robin said with a smile.

"Urgh... I think I'm okay with one," Luffy groaned.

"What's _that_ supposed to mean?" Nami demanded.

**"LUFFY, NOOOO! PLEASE, I'M FINE WITH BEING THE SECOND WOMAN!" **Boa cried.

**"HE'S ALREADY GOT _ONE_!" **Nami screamed back.

**"THE MISTRESS IS SUPPOSED TO BE THE MORE BEAUTIFUL ONE ANYWAY!" **Boa shouted.

"She has a point, yohoho," Brook commented.

**"BURN IN HELL, AMAZON BITCH!"** Nami screamed, waving her Climatact after using it to whack Brook.

"Ow... I would say I was brained, but I don't have one anymore yohohoho SKULL JOKE!"

**"I'LL SEE YOU THERE FIRST, HAG!" **Boa bellowed back.

Zoro sighed and covered his face. "Idiots..."

"The Captain is a good man, to have resisted her charms so well," Robin commented with a smile.

"Boa-swaaan~ I'll marry youuuuu~!" Sanji shouted. He turned to stone in an instant, and Luffy glared.

"BOA! CHANGE HIM BACK!"

"ANYTHING FOR YOU, LUFFY!" Boa cried, and an instant later Sanji was back to normal. "I'VE BEEN TERRIBLE! YOU SHOULD PUNISH ME~!" She covered her cheeks and blushed demurely. Sanji would have kicked Luffy's face in for this, but he passed out from a nosebleed almost immediately after. Ace-chan amused herself poking his body with a stick.

"**I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO PUNISHES ANYONE AROUND HERE!"** Nami screamed back.

"She's under his thumb, regardless," Robin commented with a chuckle.

"Hey! Maybe you should punish her, Nami!" Luffy suggested.

"Ah?" Nami gasped, her skin turning bright red. It wasn't helped by Boa's demure smile. "I... It... That is...!"

Zoro sighed. "Usopp, get us out of here please?"

"Roger that," Usopp said, and the ship began to rapidly descend into the water as the coating expanded around them.

"I'LL SEE YOU SOON, LUFFY DEAR!" Boa shouted, waving her hand. "AND YOUR WIFE!"

"I'M GOING TO KICK THE CRAP OUT OF YOU, BITCH!" Nami screamed back.

"There, see? She can punish Boa just fine!" Luffy said with a smile. Nami again turned bright red.

"L-Luffy...!"

"May I suggest you do so across her backside, where it will do the least damage? Yohohoho~-AHHH!"

"**DIE ALL OVER AGAIN, SKULLHEAD!"**

* * *

_Some time later..._

* * *

"So," Luffy said, looking over his crew as the glided through the depths of the ocean. "Everything's set?"

"Aye aye!" Franky cried. "Coating holding!"

"Course is set!" Nami added with a smile.

Luffy grinned. "Good!" He set Ace-chan down and hugged her with a kiss to the top of her head, to which she giggled. Luffy then stretched out his arm, lassoed his wife around her waist, and yanked her over his shoulder.

"EEP! L-Luffy!" Nami giggled. Luffy looked around at his friends.

"Good! Guys, watch Ace-chan for..." His grin became slightly goofy. "Um... We'll tell you when."

"Certainly," Robin smiled back.

"Grrrrr...!" Sanji growled, but managed to avoid his first instinct to kick Luffy's head off.

"AHHH! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Chopper cried, running around the deck as Ace-chan chased him.

"Kitty!" The little girl giggled.

"I'M A REINDEER! A REINDEER!"

"Ow! Sure thing, Luffy!" Franky said.

"I would be happy to!" Brook said. "I will sing her many a wonderful song~...!"

"BASTARD!" Zoro snarled right in Luffy's face. "DON'T FOIST YOUR PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY OFF ON US-URK!"

Nami had somehow gotten off Luffy's shoulder and in Zoro's face so fast he couldn't follow her movements. Her eyes were narrowed and her face was darkened as though a storm was about to burst forth and consume him. She grabbed him by the front of his shirt and hissed.

"I haven't seen my husband in over two years. I haven't had _any_ in all that time, and neither has _he_. The _only_ reason I haven't torn your head off out of sheer, frustrated _lust_ is because I need you alive to watch my little girl while I screw my husband _into the ground_." She dropped him onto the deck, her eyes burning with an unholy light.

_**"ARE WE CLEAR?"**_

"Yes," Zoro said in a tiny voice. Nami was suddenly all smiles as she turned to her husband.

"As we were~," she said. Luffy threw her back over his shoulder, waved, and carried his wife off into the ship.

"... Do you need a change of pants?" Franky asked, one of his attachments producing a hairdryer.

"SHUT UP!"

* * *

_Yeah, do not mess with Nami when she wants nookie. Not even Whitebeard could stop her._


	13. Chapter 13

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

_And now, a bit of silliness... You might call it filler. This is before the time skip, but most definitely after the wedding, and after Thriller Bark too. Just so you're not wondering where Ace-chan is..._

* * *

"Namiiii...!"

Nami sighed as her husband whined into her ear. She'd just been sketching out her latest map, and here the idiot was bothering her when she'd expressly told him _not_ to.

"Luffy, what is it?" She asked.

"Well," and here Luffy handed her a list. "I got a petition from the crew to give to you since you control the money."

"Wh-Wh-What?" Nami screeched, looking over the requests and tallying the cost up in her head. "This is a hundred thousand berry! That's _way_ over budget!"

"But Nami, they all really, _really_ want this stuff!" Luffy whined. "Also, we need more meat."

"You ALWAYS think we need more meat," Nami sighed. "Why don't you kill a Sea King if you want more meat?"

"I want more variety in meat than just Sea King Meat!" Luffy pouted, looking adorable. Frankly, she was severely tempted to just give in. But she was going to be the brains of this marriage and Luffy couldn't just get his way! He couldn't walk all over her.

"I said no! Besides, we need to save as much as we can," Nami huffed. "We can't go wasting money recklessly!"

Luffy pouted for a bit longer... Before his face gained a devious grin. He wrapped his arms around her shoulders, and began kissing and licking at her neck. Nami trembled as her skin flushed.

"L-Luffy!" She gasped. "Stop that!"

"Tell you what I'm gonna do, shihihihi," Luffy whispered hotly into her ear as his hands began to roam. "We're gonna find a pirate ship, loaded to the brim with gold..."

Nami felt a rush of heat go through her. "Ah... Gold...?"

"And jewels," Luffy went on, licking up her shoulder to her throat. Nami let out a moan.

"J-Jewels... What kinds of jewels?"

"Emeralds, diamonds, pearls, rubies, anything else we can find," Luffy murmured, lightly nibbling her ear. She trembled and gripped his roaming arms... But she didn't let them stop.

"Uh... Uh huh...?"

"And dials, and money, and clothes," Luffy went on, "and I'll kick the asses of the entire crew..." He grinned devilishly at her. "And we'll pillage and plunder every. Single. Bit. Of it."

"All... All... All of it?" Nami asked huskily.

"Mmhm~," Luffy practically purred. "And we'll sell it so we'll have enough money to make a pile so that I can make love to you on it." He smirked as he saw Nami's eyes darken. "How's that sound-Ulp!"

Nami had siezed Luffy by the shirt, and pounced on him right to the floor. Luffy wasn't entirely sure, but he thought he could definitely translate her actions into a "yes".

It helped when she said that word later... And _repeatedly_.

* * *

"I've taken your budgetary requests into consideration," Nami said later to the crew, her hair disheveled, her clothing awry, her skin glowing and a wide relaxed smile on her face, "and have decided to accept most of them."

"My panty proposal included?" Brook asked.

"I'm not feeling that generous," Nami said flatly. Brook sighed. Ah well, there was always next time.

Chopper chatted happily about the new medical books he was going to buy with his raised allowance, Usopp laughed to himself about his new tools, Franky was quite pleased with his new magazine subscriptions, Zoro pleased he was getting new weights, and Sanji fairly happy about new ingredients.

He still shot Luffy a dirty look on the way out, but the strawhat-wearing Captain could not care less.

Robin stopped at the hatch outside, looked back at Luffy, and winked. She nodded and left. Nami frowned at this.

"What was that all about?" She asked. Luffy grinned.

"Nothing... There were some things we missed in the budget, Nami~," Luffy growled. Nami giggled and tried to escape her husband's arms.

She didn't try very hard though.

* * *

"My God," Usopp gasped when they got out onto the deck, "marriage has done the impossible, and made our stingy navigator _generous!"_

"I would not have thought it possible! Her cold heart has been melted by Strawhat's passion!" Franky said. He threw a fist into the air. "TRULY THIS IS A SHIP OF MIRACLES! LIKE IT HAD BEEN BUILT THAT WAY!"

"You'd know, right?" Usopp asked.

"I AM ON A ROLL! OW!"

"She is generous, true... To a point," Brook sighed. His panties...!

"I know! She's never raised my allowance before!" Chopper said cheerfully. "Maybe she'll do it again next year!"

"One can always hope," Usopp sighed. He rubbed his chin. "Maybe if we could get her and the captain to do it even more...?"

"I don't think they'll need much incentive," Robin said with a smile.

"OW! Nico Robin! Must you torment us with your voyeur abilities?" Franky cried.

"Mm... Love is truly a wonderful thing," Robin chuckled. Franky sighed.

"So... You going to let us know when Luffy's gotten Nami into a good mood for the next budget meeting?" Zoro asked Robin flatly. The archaeologist smiled demurely.

"I'll consider it... For some... Incentive~?" She raised an eyebrow. Zoro stared at her.

"Like what?" He asked. Robin just chuckled.

"I'll think of something~..."

"Damnit," Sanji moaned. "On one hand, I want to wring that rubber bastard's neck... On the other hand," he sniffled, "Nami-swan is so generous and lovely in marriage!" He threw his arms up. "WAAHHHH! I AM SO CONFLICTED!"

"Then would you at least be quiet about your conflict?" Zoro grumbled.

"Bite me, Mosshead!" He sighed.

* * *

_Poor Sanji. But he really does bring this on himself..._


	14. Chapter 14

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

_ On the way to Fishmen Island..._

* * *

Sanji had begun work on lunch, when he sensed her. He looked to his right and down to see Ace sitting on the floor nearby, staring at him. He stared back.

"Shouldn't you be chasing after Chopper?" He asked.

"Kitty said he had to go be a doctor," Ace said. She looked up at him plaintively. "And I'm hungry..."

Oh no, Sanji groaned. Of course she'd be hungry: She was Monkey D. Luffy's child too.

"Can I have some food please?" She asked.

... And also Nami's child, he was painfully reminded as he looked into her amber eyes, so much like her mother's...

_Damnit,_Sanji thought. On one hand, before him was the child of the man he hated more than any other in the world for taking his Nami-swan, and yet would do anything for at the same time. And on the other, she was the daughter of the woman he would do anything in the world for, no questions asked.

... And she was incredibly adorable to boot.

"You can starve," Sanji said with a growl, before he smiled and pulled out a few cookies he'd stocked the ship with. "After having a few of these."

"Yay!" Ace cheered, taking the cookies and eating them messily. "Thank you Sanji!"

"You're welcome kid," Sanji sighed, "you're welcome..."

Wouldn't be so bad. After all, half of her was Nami, and given the foxy lady she'd turned out to be, her daughter might turn out just as well. Even with Luffy's genes.

I hope I'm around to see that, he thought with a grin.

* * *

Luffy frowned. "For some reason I feel like killing Sanji."

"Kill him later, focus on ME!" Nami screamed.

"Sorry dear," Luffy said with a grin, and Nami was soon screaming other things...

* * *

Robin's heart stood no chance against Ace-chan, and she took to playing with the adorable little girl every day over the course of their journey to Fishmen island when Luffy or Nami were indisposed. Ace giggled and ran about the grassy deck, chasing Robin's waving hands as they appeared and disappeared. Robin smiled, and the hands ceased their game to grab Ace and tickle her.

"Heheheheeheh! Hahaahahaha!" The little girl giggled as Robin slowly walked up to her. She stretched her arms up and whined as Robin stood in front of her, and Robin reached down to pull the little girl into her real arms. Ace-chan laughed and snuggled against her, and Robin's smile turned wistful.

"Ace-chan! Where are you?" Luffy cried. "Come on, let's go play!"

"Yay!" Ace cried, jumping out of Robin's arms and running to her father. She jumped into his arms and they both laughed as he spun his daughter around. Nami came up from the lower decks, and with a shake of her head and warm smile she caught her daughter from the other side and kissed the top of her head. The wistful smile remained on Robin's face, and she held her shoulders.

"Ah, Robin-swan, you are looking radiant today," Sanji complimented, at her side almost in an instant. Robin smiled at Sanji.

"Thank you..." She looked back at the happy family, and she sighed as her smile became sad.

"Mm?" Sanji asked, tilting his head curiously. "Robin-swan? What's wrong?"

"Hm... just a bit of selfish longing, I suppose," Robin said wryly. Sanji clutched his chest with both hands.

"The pangs of maternal instinct blossoming in a young woman! Ahhh..."

"Flattering of you," Robin chuckled.

Sanji gave her a roguish wink. "Honestly, any man would be proud to make a woman like you a mother."

Robin smiled back. "You proudest of all," she said.

Sanji's nose exploded with blood, and he bounced off the mast and into the forward hatch to the gunner's nest. Robin sighed, and looked over at Zoro who was sleeping peacefully nearby.

"Oh well," she said. "Plenty of fish in the sea..."

* * *

___New Marineford...?_

This was it. The last adventure had been had, and the dream was over. Luffy was led out to the execution platform, a million people crowded around from every nation and state around the world. Within that crowd Luffy knew were his crew, helpless to do anything.

And Nami, his wife... And Ace, his daughter... And maybe even his grandpa, somewhere...

Admiral Akainu, the man who had killed his brother, stood nearby with a look of immense satisfaction on his face. Luffy, not determined to give the bastard any enjoyment, just grinned at him as he was locked to the chopping block. Even as he faced his death, dream unfulfilled, a kind of peace settled over him as the swords were raised.

If he was going to die... He was going to die with a smile.

_VWORP... VWORP... VWORP..._ Bizarre sounds filled the air, and a figure appeared. From the figure, she appeared to be a woman clad in tight fitting, heavy duty blue armor. Her hair was black and in short pigtails just like Nami's had been back in Skypeia, and her face was cast in a determined expression.

"Who are you?" Luffy gasped.

And most importantly, atop her head she wore a straw hat while across her chest was emblazoned the Jolly Roger of the same pirate group.

"I'm Monkey D. Ace!" She cried. "I'm your time travelling super cyborg warrior daughter..." Her eyes shined in determination. "_FROM THE FUTURE!"_

And really, there was only one thing to say to that:

"COOOOOL!"

"_SUPER BEAM CANNON!"_ She bellowed, firing energy blasts from her hands. The executioners were blasted away, and Luffy's chains melted. Luffy, while surprised, was nevertheless not one to let a chance for escape by and so he wrenched his hands free and unleashed his _Haki_ (and Gear Second powered) fists upon the shocked Admiral Akainu.

The girl fought alongside him, punching with megaton super fists, blasting with super beam cannons, and generally awesoming up the place._ Every _Marine there got his ass kicked nine ways from Sunday, leaving only Akainu (who was now a zombie cyborg for some reason).

"FATHER..." Luffy began.

"DAUGHTER..." Ace-chan continued.

"**SUPER COMBO EXPLOSION!"** They bellowed, firing off energy blasts and rubber-powered fists and feet in all directions.

"ARRRGGHHH!" Akainu cried. "NOOOO! I HAVE BEEN DEFEATED!"

"I love you Luffy!" Nami cried, hugging her husband from the side. Little Ace-chan squealed happily and hugged him too. Luffy grinned at his future daughter.

"That was awesome, Future Ace-chan!"

"Yes it was! And now the future is saved!" She said, brandishing a sword she had not used once in the whole fight.

"How'd you get here anyway?" Nami asked.

"Oh, I ate the Vworp Vworp Fruit," Future Ace-chan replied. "It lets you travel through time and makes you bigger on the inside, so I can eat and never get full!"

"Aw man, I wish I had that ability," Luffy sighed. "What else can you tell us about the future?"

Future Ace-chan blushed and smiled. "You'll never guess who I'm married to."

"Married?" Luffy asked, feeling a strange sensation in his chest. It was kind of like anger, and friendship, and a desire to protect his nakama yet far more... Primal.

"LUFFYYYY!" Franky shouted, appearing with a nametag that said "FUTURE FRANKY" on his chest. "She's MY wife! Hello Father in law! OW!"

"This is my husband from the future, Daddy! Franky!" Future Ace-chan giggled, now suddenly wearing what appeared to be a thing strip of rubber... And nothing else. "I work with him at Water 7 and I wear nothing but this!"

"NO WAY!" Usopp cried, appearing with explosions behind him. "I'M Ace-chan's husband! The Great Captain Usopp! Conquerer of the Seas and King of the Pirates!"

"Oh Usopp, you're so manly!" Ace-chan sighed, now wearing a leopard print bikini and kissing his feet. "Tell me again how you defeated Arlong!"

"Well, since you asked," Usopp laughed.

"ACE-CHWAN!" Sanji cried, appearing in futuristic robot armor (which Future Ace-chan was now wearing again). He kissed Ace-chan deeply, and gave Luffy a thumbs up.

"Don't worry Luffy! I'll take good care of your daughter! And some other daughters too, on the side, but don't let it get around huh?" Sanji asked, elbowing Luffy gently.

"Luffy? Luffy? Luffy?"

"AH!" Luffy shot awake, looking around. He was on the _Thousand Sunny's_ deck, and his wife had been trying to wake him. "Huh...?"

"Hey, you nearly slept through the lunch call," Nami said with a teasing look. "You feeling okay?"

Luffy looked over at Sanji, standing in the doorway to the aquarium lounge. His daughter was happily munching on some snacks while Sanji smiled down on her.

"Good, huh?" Sanji asked.

"Yeah!" Ace-chan said. She giggled. "Can Sanji cook for me forever?"

"The way you eat kid?" Sanji said with a short laugh, "we'd probably have to get married."

"**GUM GUM PISTOL!"**

Sanji was sent flying back into the aquarium with a crash. He soon emerged, eyes narrowed in fury.

"The hell was that for, Luffy?" He demanded.

"Luffy, what the heck did you do that for?" Nami growled. Luffy adjusted his hat as he walked over to his daughter, and took her into his arms. She smiled up at him, innocence personified.

"Nothing Sanji," Luffy finally said. "Just a bad dream. Sorry about that."

"You should be," Sanji said. "What? Afraid your daughter might like me better than you?"

Luffy thought about it for a moment.

"Nope! Just that she might like you," he said, entering the lounge. Sanji stared after him, blinking.

"... The hell does that mean?"

Nami sighed. "I can just tell he is going to be fun when she hits her teens..."

* * *

_Royal Haki + Father Stare = Ace-chan is never getting married. Ever._


	15. Chapter 15

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

_And now, a bit of silliness... You might call it filler. This is during the time skip.  
_

* * *

_Kuraigana Island_

"Please, train me!" Zoro begged, pressing his forehead to the cold stone floor below.

Dracule Mihawk contemplated Zoro's request. He then laughed out loud. "You ask me, your enemy, for training? Are you that weak? Someone who could not beat the Humandrills?"

Zoro looked up. "I beat _all_of the Humandrills!" Zoro said earnestly. Mihawk raised his eyebrows. He looked to the side.

"I see... You fight for someone else, then Zoro?" Mihawk asked. Zoro grimaced. Perona looked on in interest. Mihawk nodded.

"Very well... I will train you," Mihawk said. "On one condition."

"Name it," Zoro said.

"I will not have you two living under my house in sin," Mihawk said gravely. "Therefore, you will have to get married for me to train you."

"WHAT?" Perona shrieked. Zoro considered his options, grimaced...

"... Fine!"

"DON'T AGREE SO QUICKLY, BASTARD!" Perona screamed. "LIKE HELL I'M MARRYING HIM!"

"Then you may go," Mihawk said, sipping his wine. "You must leave."

"Wh-What?" Perona gasped. "But... I can't leave! I don't have any way of getting anywhere!"

"Not my problem," said Mihawk.

"You were fine with us living in sin _before_that idiot asked for training!" Perona cried.

"Because you will need to help him and you will need to be close to him to do that," Mihawk said. "I am staving off the sin before it occurs."

"But you're here to chaperone!"

"Not all the time."

"Fine, I'll move out!"

"I couldn't do that to you Perona. You're welcome to stay here... just not living in sin with Zoro."

"We're not living in sin!"

"But it may happen," Mihawk said, "and you will need to tend him, mend his clothing, and feed him."

"WHAT THE HELL MAKES YOU THINK I'LL DO ANY OF THAT EITHER?" Perona demanded. Mihawk pointed to Zoro, who had fallen unconscious. Perona growled.

"Tend his wounds please, then we can get this done."

"Graaahhh...!"

The ceremony was brief, and intensely awkward. Especially the last part.

"You may kiss the bride."

The two glared at eachother, fidgeting. Zoro slowly, inch by inch, leaned in. Perona, blushing furiously, inched her way closer to him with her chin held up defiantly. Mihawk sighed, and slammed their heads (and lips) together.

"Mmph?" They both cried. Mihawk released them.

"Enjoy your wedding night," he said, "the training begins tomorrow." He turned and left as Perona coughed and choked.

"Gwah! I can't believe he did that! Bweh, I can still _taste_you! Eww!" Perona moaned.

"Huh..." Zoro said aloud, thoughtfully. "Not bad."

"WHAT?" Perona screeched. "NOT BAD?"

"Never done it before, never knew what the fuss was about. Not bad," Zoro repeated. Perona growled, bright red.

"WELL I DIDN'T LIKE IT AT ALL!"

"Whatever," Zoro said. "I'm going to bed."

"NEGATIVE HOLLOW!"

"I am the lowest scum-DAMNIT I DIDN'T MEAN YOU TOO!"

"So you're rejecting me? I knew you'd make a terrible servant but I didn't know you'd make an even lousier husband!"

"WELL YOU'RE A HORRIBLE WIFE!"

"ASSHOLE!"

"HARPY!"

Mihawk allowed himself to smile as he listened to the fighting going on. His priesthood aside, he was terribly bored and this whim of his was already proving entertaining.

Besides, they would either screw each other or kill each other eventually. This at least made it appropriate for them to do _one_ of these things...

* * *

_Mihawk trolls like no other troll before...  
_


	16. Chapter 16

_One Piece: Strawhat Theater_

"Our Mrs. Monkey"

Disclaimer: This is a non-profit fan-based work of prose. One Piece is the property of Toei Animation, Funimation, and Eiichiro Oda. Please support the official release.

_And now, the moment you've all been waiting for..._

* * *

The _Thousand Sunny _had been flagged by a passing ship, and so they'd changed course to rendezvous with them. Nami frowned as she scrutinized the ship through her scope.

"Huh... Well, it doesn't look like a pirate ship," Nami said.

"Does look like ex-Marine though," Franky advised. "Just check out the construction! Designed to make it through the Grand Line, ow!"

"So... Marines pretending to not be Marines?" Luffy asked. He grinned and pounded his fist into his palm. "This isn't going to be any fun at all!"

"Yet you say that with a smile," Ussop sighed. The ship pulled alongside, and a tall figure in a cloak rose.

"Ahoy there!" He called. "Which one of you is Monkey D. Ace?"

Nami froze, and then cordially smiled. "I'm sorry, I don't think I know of anyone by that-"

"Hi!" Ace-chan shouted, waving happily from Luffy's arms. "I'm Ace!"

"Yes she is!" Luffy said cheerfully. "Very good-URK!"

"LUFFY!" Nami shrieked, punching her husband repeatedly. "YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO TELL THEM SHE WAS HERE!"

"Urk! B-But she is-!"

"MAY I COME ABOARD?" Boomed the man... Now standing on the railing around the deck. The Strawhats gasped and prepared for battle.

"What do you want with Ace-chan?" Chopper growled, ready to pop a Rumble Ball if necessary. Robin stood with her arms crossed, Zoro his swords drawn, Sanji his feet ready, Usopp packing his slingshot, Franky his cannons armed and arms cannons, Brook poised for a sword strike and Luffy and Nami both ready to storm Hell itself, their daughter behind their legs and peeking out behind them.

The man laughed, in a familiar way.

"Bwahahahaha... I only want..." He pulled his cloak off and tossed it aside, revealing a broad Monkey family smile,"to meet my great-grand-daughter!"

"Grandpa!" Luffy gasped. Ace-chan peeked out between her parent's legs and grinned.

"Great-Grandpa?" She asked, as though tasting the word. Garp nodded. Nami sighed, and rubbed her forehead.

"Yes Ace-chan, this is your great-grandpa," she said. She scowled at him. "Did you have to be creepy and dramatic?"

"My other thought was to kidnap her, given you didn't bother telling me about her-OW! OOH! ARGH! YAH!" Garp, Former Hero of the Marines, cried as Nami furiously beat him over the head with her staff.

"**BASTARD! MORON! ASSHOLE!"**

"See? This is why Daddy is very happy he's made of rubber," Luffy said, as Ace-chan watched her mother beat the living hell out of Garp in fascination. The rest of the Strawhats just sighed.

Yep. Situation as usual for them...

* * *

"Nami, you shouldn't be so paranoid," Luffy said, rubbing his wife's back as they sat on the main deck. Nami's eyes were firmly locked onto Garp, who was talking with his great-granddaughter in his lap. It made for a cute scene, and was made even cuter when Ace caught Chopper and cuddled him.

"Kitty!" Ace-chan insisted.

"Ack! I'm a reindeer! A _reindeer!"_Chopper insisted. "L-let me go-ahahahaha! D-Don't tickle me, ahahahahaha!"

Ace-chan giggled with Chopper, as Garp laughed deep in his throat. Nami sighed... And then squeaked as her cheeks turned red. She elbowed Luffy hard in the stomach.

"Luffy!" She hissed. Luffy laughed through the pain.

"Aw c'mon! He just wants to get to know her!" Luffy insisted. "And you know he loves us!"

"Yeah, but he loved you. That's what I'm afraid of," Nami admitted. Luffy huffed.

"Come on, I turned out great being raised by Grandpa!" Luffy said. He grinned and stretched his arms out, flexing them. "See?"

Nami stared at her husband for a long, silent moment. Luffy blinked, and waved his hand in front of her face.

"Nami? Nami...?" He groped her breasts, and Nami squeaked.

"Luffy!" She snarled, punching him.

"Ow! What? You were zoning out, it was scary! Too much thinking!" Luffy protested. "It's not good for you!"

"I just don't want her to have _either_of our childhoods, all right?" Nami explained with a sigh. "I want her surrounded by love and friends and smiles... And money. Lots of money. Never too early to teach her how to be responsible with it."

"You mean stingy," Usopp suggested.

"And greedy," Zoro added.

"And covetous, yo ho ho!" Brook laughed.

"NOBODY ASKED YOU IDIOTS!" Nami snarled. Luffy scratched his head.

"So... You want her to be like you? What about me?" Luffy complained. "I want her to be like me! So we'll eat meat together and have fun and adventure!"

"She can still do all that!" Nami insisted. "I just want her to have a good foundation and education, that's all!"

"Well, it would be nice if she had a good sense of direction," Luffy said with a nod. "That way we wouldn't get lost on adventures."

"There, see?" Nami said brightly. "You're contributing already!"

"I am?"

"Sure! Exactly why you should let me handle her education," Nami said firmly. "And not your grandpa."

"But Grandpa taught me all sorts of great things!" Luffy said.

"Luffy? He dropped you into the ocean tied to weights," Nami said flatly. Luffy nodded.

"Yeah! I learned how to fight sharks!"

"He dropped you into a chasm filled with hungry wolves while you were tied to steaks," Nami continued, growing angrier.

Luffy nodded again.

"Yup! That taught me I had to fight hard and win to get meat! Also that wolves will respect you if you beat them up!"

"HE TIED YOU TO BALLOONS AND SENT YOU FLYING IN THE SKY!" Nami exploded angrily. Luffy shrugged.

"Well from that I learned I can't fly so I should plan accordingly when I fall off of stuff."

"And you would put _our child_ through that same _crap?!"_Nami snarled. Luffy held his hands up.

"No! No! Well maybe, if she wanted to," Luffy said. "I mean, I know you don't want her to do that. We can train her to be tough and strong other ways! But, this is a dangerous world so maybe we should make sure she's tough enough to handle it."

Nami raised her fist to strike her husband... And sighed as she lowered it. "Yeah... yeah, I guess so," Nami said softly. Luffy grinned at her and hugged her tightly.

"Don't worry. I'll look after you both. I promise," he said. Nami blushed and nuzzled her husband back.

"I really should take you at your word, huh?"

"Well, you're like that. It's good, you're always thinking and stuff," Luffy said earnestly. "I couldn't think of all that stuff. That's why we're married!"

"We're married because Usopp signed fraudulent papers your grandfather made legal," Nami pointed out with a huff, though she was smiling. Luffy laughed.

"That's how we got married! Not why we're married!" Luffy nodded. "Also you're really sexy and I like doing sexy stuff with you-"

"Luffy!"

"What?" Luffy asked. "Is that something I shouldn't talk about?"

"Not in front of... Everyone!"

"Navigator-san, you and the captain are essentially exhibitionists," Robin pointed out with a gentle smile. "There's very little you can say to surprise us, or shock us."

"And we're also voyeurs," Franky said.

"Why would you say that?!" Usopp demanded.

"Ow! You think I go around in this banana hammock for my health?" Franky asked.

Nami facepalmed while Luffy laughed.

* * *

"You are adorable, yes you are, yes you are," Garp cooed, tickling Ace-chan under her chin. The little girl giggled and squirmed in his lap, as Chopper caught his breath nearby.

"Huff... Huff..."

"Not too strong for you, is she, Kitty?" Garp asked. Chopper growled.

"I'm-I'm a reindeer! A _reindeer!"_

"Hmmm?" Garp leaned over and glared at Chopper, an ominous expression on his face. "I eat reindeer, but I don't eat cats." Chopper trembled as Garp growled. "Which are you?"

"Kitty!" Insisted Ace-chan.

"... Kitty," Chopper groused.

"Yay!" Ace giggled, grabbing Chopper again and hugging him.

"Hurk!"

"Seriously, they're just playing," Zoro said flatly as he watched Nami fret with Luffy nearby. "She's working herself up over nothing."

"Hey, don't discount Nami-swan's worries over her child," Sanji said, taking a drag off his cigarette. "I mean, that's the guy who raised Luffy."

"So? Luffy turned out fine," Zoro said.

"You _did_hear how he raised him, right?" Sanji asked flatly. Zoro shrugged.

"No worse than my upbringing. Or yours."

"THAT WASN'T MY CHOICE!" Sanji growled. Zoro shrugged again.

"Little late to complain about it. How you were raised. And she wouldn't get to complain anyway."

Sanji stared at Zoro. Zoro looked back and scowled.

"What?"

"... Is there anyone onboard whose childhood _wasn't_screwed up?" Sanji sighed. Usopp shook his head.

"Looks like Ace-chan is going to be nuttier than all of us combined."

"On the downside... She'll be screwed up," Sanji said thoughtfully. "On the plus side, the broken bird will invite the truest of men to win her heart..."

"Stop perving on her, she's _two,"_Zoro growled.

"Yeah! Besides, by the time she's old enough you'll be fat, bald and with lungs full of cancer," Usopp snickered. Sanji brought his foot down onto Usopp's head, making the sniper yelp. "ACK! HEY!"

"I _wasn't_ perving! I was just speculating!" Sanji growled at Zoro. He glared death at Usopp. "And I will _not be bald!"_

"That you object to that among the other options says _so much_ about your priorities," Usopp said dryly.

* * *

Lunch on the _Thousand Sunny_was always a boisterous affair, and Garp was struck by how much like his own family dinners it was. It did his old heart proud to see the people his grandson had gathered together, a true family. Pirates maybe, but decent people to his eyes.

"Awww! Mama!" Ace-chan whined as her mother pulled her into her lap. Nami huffed.

"You don't steal food, young lady! Not at lunchtime, anyway," she admonished. Ace-chan pouted.

"Daddy steals food!"

"And he knows what he won't get later if he keeps doing it," Nami said dryly, as Luffy yanked food from various plates into his mouth. He immediately stopped, and slowly gulped. He looked over at Nami, tears in his eyes.

"Namiiii! That's sooo mean!" Luffy whined. Nami huffed.

"You have to have a good influence on your daughter. She can't just gobble everything down like you do!"

"Sure she can! She just can't get caught!" Luffy said cheerfully. Ace-chan giggled as Nami sighed.

"Sooo messed up," Usopp said, nodding gravely. Sanji was weeping.

"Ohhh... The maternal air Nami-swan exudes is just sooo breathtaking!" He cried. He looked to Robin with a sigh. "So mature... It's like having two Robin-swans aboard!"

"Mm? Well, I have been considering having a child myself," Robin said, casting her eyes at Sanji. The blonde cook suffered a spectacular nosebleed and slammed into the bulkhead, a broad smile on his face. "Though I would need a father who would be reliable, steadfast, caring, strong..."

Robin was suddenly by Garp, leaning against the former vice-admiral. "Tell me, Garp-san, are you single?"

"WHAAAAAT?!" Everyone cried. Sanji sobbed and fell to his knees, throwing his arms up.

"WHYYYYY?!"

"Baby," Zoro sniffed.

"BASTARD!" Sanji snarled.

"Yes, I am," Garp said, coughing slightly. "But I might be a bit too old for you..."

On the other hand, Sengoku would probably have a heart attack. That was something to consider...

"Yay! Great-Grandma!" Ace-chan said happily. Luffy cried and held his head.

"Ah?! Robin would be my great-grandma?! But-But-I'd get confused!"

"Well I could marry your father, Luffy," Robin said with a smile. "I was rather impressed with him when he rescued me from the World Nation's slavers."

"MY MOTHER?!" Luffy cried. "THEN I'D BE EVEN MORE CONFUSED!"

"Yay Grandma!" Ace-chan said. Robin turned her smile to Nami.

"And I'd be your mother in law, Navigator-san~..."

Nami gulped at the ominous expression on Robin's face. "Th-That'd be... Nice...?" _Why this sudden chill?_

"Ow! I want to be Robin's husband!" Franky cried, flexing his arms.

"Hey, she asked me first," Garp said.

"SHE HASN'T ASKED YOU YET!" Snarled Sanji, brandishing every weapon he could find. "I WILL FIGHT YOU IN THE STREETS, GARP!"

Garp grinned ominously. "Bring it on, Cook!" His Haki stirred and lashed the air, leaving Sanji unaffected. "Love is one of the things a man should fight hardest for!"

"I COULDN'T AGREE MORE!" Sanji bellowed. "It will be a shame to kill you, Garp-san! In another world, we might have been friends!"

"Yes!" Garp cried, flexing his muscles. "Let us die as comrades for the love of a beautiful woman!"

"AS IT SHOULD BE!" Sanji snarled.

Zoro sighed and pinched the bridge of his forehead. "There's another one," he sighed.

"Maybe Sanji and Luffy are distantly related," Usopp suggested.

"That's one messed up family tree..."

* * *

"Er... Luffy," Nami began, finally having caught her breath after round... Ten? Definitely ten of her reunion with her husband. Luffy was nibbling at her shoulder, and looked up with a curious pout.

"Yes Nami?" He asked.

"Um... I am really sorry about what happened to Ace," Nami said. Luffy froze for a moment, and sighed. He kissed her, quite sweetly. Luffy's kisses had improved by leaps and bounds since they were together, but even their first had an innocence to it that made her feel simultaneously comforted and sad.

"Thanks Nami," Luffy said, breaking the kiss and nuzzling her. He grinned. "And thanks for naming Ace-chan Ace!"

"Ah... No problem," Nami said. She laughed a little. "I was a little worried that..."

"That what? I wouldn't like the name?" Luffy asked, confused. "Why wouldn't I?"

Nami sighed, her fears slipping away. She nuzzled him and laughed softly. "You're right... Why wouldn't you?"

"Now! I wanna break my record from before!" Luffy said cheerfully.

"Luffy, that was our honeymoon and we did it fifty seven times in one day," Nami said flatly.

"Yeah, so?"

"So you're not just going to break your record, you are going to make it a distant, dim memory," Nami growled, flipping him onto his back. "Round Eleven! Come on Luffy, let's go!"

"Yes ma'am!"

* * *

"Yohoho... Soon he'll be just like me, all bones! But what a way to go!" Brooke laughed as he listened from outside the cabin.

"This is so wrong," Usopp opined with a sigh. "... Think they'll use any ice this time?"

"You always bet that they'll use ice and you always lose, Usopp," Zoro said flatly. "So try another bet."

"Just saying! My Climatact lets her make ice but does she ever use that option? Noooo!"  
_  
_

* * *

_Short, but fun to write. Hope you enjoyed._


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